Power to the people.

When I started this blog I had no idea where it was going to take me, so far it has taken me all over the place emotionally, like a blind London Cab driver with no sat nav.

The purpose of the blog was to reach people like me who didn't know what to expect with egg donation IVF. It is not something I wanted to share with all of my friends as it is a personal choice, and while I have my family I have discovered a whole load of ladies who extend their support and well wishes most of which are in a similar situation 'fertility wise' as me, others just interested in what goes on. It has been very humbling to read all of your well wishes and to enter this very fragile world of infertility together.

Girl Power around the world!

Thank you!

You are all very kind and I hope you all have the success you deserve.

As far as my naughty, unpredictable uterus goes, it is being subdued with progesterone pessaries at the moment and I have had no more bleeding since the Sainsburys outburst, I still have sore boobs and feel tired and queezy but know that this doesn't mean anything really. A midwife at my local surgery is trying to pull strings for me and has given me a number to call on Monday to try and arrange something. So I am sitting tight, trying to relax at every opportune moment, 'the slob' again, no doubt I shall start balancing crystals on my navel to try every single thing to hope for the best. If my other half didn't think I was a princess before, he certainly does now!

My plan B, I have two of them so far, which always makes you feel more in control.

If things don't get better I shall heed the advice of Thalia and get on to GOSH to try and sort a referral out.

Spain have been great too, Ruth phoned me and advised the increase in progesterone and told me to call her on her mobile anytime.

Sometimes that's all you need isn't it.

Feels like I am so ME me me at the moment I appreciate all who read my crazy rants!

X

Notoriously Hopeless System

After being pampered and reasured by my mother yesterday. I faced the fact I would now have to fight the system again to try and get scanned.

A doctor phoned me at 3.30 yesterday and she was very caring and said she would do her best to book me in on the early pregnancy clinic at the hospital.

She phoned again to tell me the earliest appointment would be next Thursday before Easter Friday.....

What do people have to do to get seen? arrive at the door losing pints of blood, crawling hopelessly towards the reception desk.

She sympathised with me, and appreciated how worried I must be, she did a wonderful listening doctor, saying how frustrating it must be after the IVF etc etc etc. She told me she would try and beat the system and get my 'actual' doctor to try and squeeze me in early tomorrow (today) and will get him to call me. She however mentioned how it was her day off tomorrow (today) so I would just have to wait for my 'actual' doctor to call me in the morning as this would be the best time to see if they can squeeeze me in for a scan......

And here I am ........lunchtime...3 phone calls to my doctors surgery later and no word.....I phone the Ultra sound department myself. They put me through to the ward that deals with 'womens bits' who basically make me feel like a paranoid time waster, I stop myself from getting wound up and I am sure there are people worse off then me which gives them a right to be so devoid of compassion or pleasant bedside manner . At the end of a very brief conversation she suggests I phone on Monday.

'High risk pregnancy' 'radioactive ueterus' 'cancer survivor' are all words I want to throw at this person as well as £5000 and a years worth of tears.

My visits to GOSH are so far removed from the local PCT's, you go to GOSH there is no messing around, the latest technology at your disposal to be used at the slightest whiff of a possible problem, no quetions asked, health and well being after all is high on the agenda.

I am sure there are a few teenagers getting their quota of scanning time at the local hospital this morning before they go and sign on in the dole que pushing their other 5 kids as they leave the building.

Yes I know, an unfair comment. I should be thankful that I am not crawling along on my hands and knees bleeding from every orifice really.


Buying my own scanning machine off ebay for $5,000 is becoming more appealing as the days go by........

This could be the end

I am using my blog cathartically again.

Something has happened and I fear the worst, just as I reach my 8 week mark I feel a pain, inside, as I drive to Sainsburys, an ache, I wonder about this ache as it feels worrying. A rush of dampness and I abandon my trolley and head for the loos.

It's bad, not sure whether to go into detail or not but there is blood and a clot, and suddenly I am faced with what I think is a miscarriage, I try not to panic thinking of all the places, it would have to be Sainsburys toilets.

I chant 'No, no, no,' like a mantra as I frantically unwrap a cyclogest pessary.

I tense my abdomen in a vein attempt to stop any other debris from coming away. I leave sainsburys and get to my car talking to myself like a mad person,

'You are strong, just get in the car and drive home and phone mum, you're alright stay calm, this happens to lots of ladies, stay calm'

I have so much school work todo, piled in my car, I have shopping to do, but life has stopped for this moment. I must focus on me and my uterus once again, GOSH were right, I am high risk, perhaps I shouldn't of been working, perhaps I should of been in bed for the whole first trimester. The pain has gone but I am too scared to go to the loo, I am trying to ignore the slight back pain I can feel.

I phoned my mum, no answer.

I phoned my boyfriend no answer.

I email Spain.

I phone the doctors and burst into tears as the words ' I think I am having a miscarriage leave my lips' I feel silly as the receptionist asks me the best number to get the doctor to call on, I squeak out my number trying not to cry but unable to help it.

All feels abit sudden and can't quite get my head round it.

Mums phoned and she is on her way.

Princess Gamma

No matter what I do, where I am in my life, what is happening, I will always be a cancer survivor.

I was in London for my bi annual Great Ormond Street Hospital Appointment. Where I have a general MOT. I was looking forward to this particular appointment. To show my consultant who has been with me since my bone marrow transplant in 1988, the scan picture of the growing little blob inside of me.

As I trod the familiar hallways and passed the familiar bald heads of children attached to monitors and tubes, beeping machines and toys with wheels on. I was reminded of how lucky I am.

After an echocardiogram on my heart which showed a normal beating healthy one. I waited patiently to see Dr L.

My time came and I couldn't wait to blurt out the news, she threw her hands up in joy and was very happy for me.

Then came the reminders.......

'You are a high risk pregnancy' 'You have had radiation and therefore have a higher chance of miscarriage' 'Increased chance of premature birth' 'increased chance of low birth weight' 'Some patients have had succesful pregnancies, some have miscarried early on' 'You need to be monitored carefully by an obstetrician and have regular ultrasound and echocardiograms to check your heart, as you received a certain chemical as part of your treatment which could effect the contractibility of your heart muscle'.............

Oh yes, I forgot, I am not normal, another host of hurdles are thrown in front of me like skittles disappearing off into the horizon.

I am so pleased to get the best care from GOSH, they demand I receive only the best care from other healthcare professionals, I am very lucky, it is like having a whole host of guardian angels flapping around you. It is also however, a reminder that I am always going to be someone who had cancer and as time goes on it seems the likelihood of long term effects can cloud over the blue skies, they don't know, they are still learning themselves how the radiation and chemicals can effect patients as decades go by. (My broken tooth is an indicator that things might start getting a bit crumbly!)

Perhaps by 2010 I shall start glowing green, my friend J said 'I might be like that radioactive strawberry that just never shrivels up and is preserved in redness by radiation' (I wish)

Although I had radiotherapy after I had started my periods and apparently, this is good and outcomes of pregnancies of patients who had started their periods before cancer treatment has been favourable. But I had literally only JUST started, so who knows,(other pregnancies have been succesful and spontaneous too so who knows for sure) it is all in the lap of the gods and I am going to be relaying this all to the poor midwife on Friday who apparently is going to have to treat me with kid gloves.

Perhaps I should arrive at the surgey on a sedan chair carried by four punka wallers two of which are frantically fanning me with ostrich feathers.

It is after all the very least they could do!

'.....and so a life begins'

'My heart goes boom boomy boom boomy, boom boomy boom boomy boom boomy boom boomy boob boob boob boom' That song is in my head in a joyous way.

We saw our fetus today all 9mm from crown to rump! heart racing ( roughly 138bpm), you could see it, it was amazing wibbling on the screen like a tiny tonsil or something.

Amazing isn't it. quite pleased actually that there was just one, although I am sure the HCG seemed quite high when I last had it done. I am hoping that doesn't mean anything untoward. Makes me wonder whether the slight blood was the other one, obviously the accomodation wasn't right for them I guess.

I am just hoping that this one stays the distance and doesn't get bored of the surroundings they have got a very anxious mummy that wants them to stay with her, she's got a lot of cuddles waiting!

Want to tell the world, but am trying to stay rational and will only tell the world at 12 weeks. Nothing is ever for certain is it.

Feel very lucky so far though, fingers crossed for the future.

Tummy Turmoil

Here it goes again, on another cycle of nausea at fast spin.

My stomach has decided to unite with my painful breasts in a bid to get my hopes up. Am feeling decidedly queezy. have not gone off food though but often feel a bit dodgy after eating and before eating????? (how strange, it must be in my head) Am also feeling increasingly tired (although am always tired anyway!) and can't wait for the Easter Holidays. Don't know how I am going to get through the summer term though, will have to be a miracle, sustaining myself on the hope that it may be my last term there for a while.

Must not get caught up with thoughts of such maternity yet, the next BIG ONE is tomorrow. SCAN DAY.

I can't wait to see what is going on in there, if they are alright and have settled nicely, in the right place and are wrapped up in their own little blobby cocoons. Hopefully at least one is.

Apparently I could see the heart(s) tomorrow if all is well. Don't really want to think about if all isn't well.

Talking of cosy cocoons I may go and make myself one now. I am a pathetic pregnant woman and this may be my last chance to play on it.........

Peace (is what I want)

I am finding my inner calm. After a few frantic feels of my breasts this morning and slight panic that they felt normal and not pregnant, I resigned myself to Que ce ra, ce ra.

Spotting has stopped though.

Taking my hands off everything (including my breasts) I got on with my day, and tried to focus on looking after my preschoolers thankfully they kept cuddling me today, and I realised, quite painfully, that my breasts are still definately sore. The poor kids were being shuffled around and moved gently away with a chorus of 'ooh' 'owch' 'Ooooh hang on a minute lets have a look at this over here (a million miles away from my breasts)'

G thinks I am mad I come home and inform him gleefully of how painful my breasts are and how sick I have felt today. It's like winning the lottery everytime I get a nauseous wave or a stabbing breast pain.

I can, like so many, only wait for the scan now. Like all the people before me who have had to endure what I am going through, I will be doing the same, staring at the calender as if the days are going to suddenly gather pace and canter into next week, it is out of my control and in the hands of fate.

I got an email from my friend who offered to donate her eggs for me a couple of years ago, she is getting married and wanted to know how things were going, I told her where I am at but still worry the more people I tell that the law of sod will come creeping in to turn things pear shaped. It has already stepped in slightly to give me a twinge of a sore throat this evening after I had, had a couple of nervous days of work last week.( I feel so guilty now).

I do allow myself to worry abit, I mean anyone would wouldn't they, £5,000 and 3 years of emotional turmoil, fighting against the tide, I want to keep the blobs in not go through that again.

Roll on Easter Holidays, I can collapse on my bed then and not think of anything!

I am worried again!

I have had more spotting, red and well, it's worrying it went and came back again.

I am beginning to get a bad feeling again, I have read so many conflicting stories about spotting, 'nothing to worry about' 'the start of a miscarriage' 'Had this just before a torrent of blood came out of me.....'

This is almost as bad as waiting for the treatment. I am going into work tomorrow and I am beginning to concern myself with the fact I may start bleeding or something awful.

Just the thought of having to go through what the last year has been for us all again, paying off the loan, getting back into the que, begging for favours off the NHS, it really scares me.

The nurse in Spain Ruth, doesn't seem to be too worried she thinks I may have an irritation and said if it continues to increase my dose of progesterone as it could be my body needing more (if there is two, I suppose it would need more). I don't know what to believe, I am going to try and forget about it, and just live my life without being consumed by whats going on inside my uterus.

We saw G's family today, they are talking as if it is a done deal the babies coming and stuff, even suggesting that November is a good time for them to be born for schools. I am scared to think further than tomorrow at the moment.

They aren't babies yet, they are still blobs or one blob....or none.

Scared to even go to the toilet.

I want my sanity back, I have been brain washed by my self.

Just got to ride it through I guess.

x

Good day sunshine.

HCG 17155.0

So erm, yes still pregnant and feeling slightly mad at my mild panic over a tiny little dot. Could well still be two little elongated blobs in there judging by what google has to say about HCG levels. (where would I be without Google, having a life probably!!!!).

Dr called to inform me of my scan that has been booked for the 19th at 2.40pm. Will have to see if G can get the afternoon off.

The levels may explain my sudden lack of inclination to do anything and just sleep. lunchtime seems to be the worst time for me, where I need 20 minutes nap to rejuvenate. I promise I will try not to be a slacker next week, I did do all my planning this morning! Then slept.

So once again I thank everything, the world, the universe, my lucky stars, and have also stocked up on disgustingly healthy snacks to take into work next week including some dodgey over priced seed bar thing by Gillian Mackeith (The pooh inspector)dread to think what it tastes like, particularly as I associate her and her smiling face on the packet with pooh, but I must think of the blobs.

Smuggly beginning to think that things may.....no I am not going to say it.......

I refuse to let this all become one big obsession, yes I am temporarily smug, and yes I have ordered a book from Amazon about 'the all Natural Pregnancy' (all things herby and holistic) yes I am one step away from prancing around like a demented hippy on my lawn singing 'all things bright and beautiful'.

X

Lethargic worry

Today I could sleep for England if it wasn't for the fact I was worried this morning.

Mild brown spotting at the beginning of the 5th week. Google has a lot to say about that, most of which consists of, 'normal in the first trimester'.

Doesn't stop you from having a twinge of panic, coupled with the fact I really couldn't face work today. I decided I could not leave my bed and phoned in sick.

Bed felt so good, the duvet was my nirvana albeit a naughty skivey one.

I discussed with G the spotting and wound myself up again and decided to get a pregnancy test to see how strong the line was.

Jeans on over pyjamas I sluggishly make my way to the chemist.

They flashed me a look over their bi focals that resembled a 'are you living on the streets?' look. I don't blame them, in a woollen hat and jumper in ill fitting lumpy jeans on a spring day, I would of thought the same.

A line struggles to appear but eventually does.

So now I officially worry and email Spain.

The HCG should of risen thus giving way for a pink beacon of a pink line to be captured by hubble surely?

Ruth advises me to have another HCG blood test just to make sure everything is progressing as it should. 'To hopefully reassure me'.

The 'oh so familiar' lime green sofas have been moved around the waiting room as if to trick me or make it seem that a greater length of time has passed rather than just a week.

'Oooooh hello hows things going?' the beaming blood lady has now upgraded herself to some blue pyjamas. Confessing as she tournequayed my arm, that she was a white witch and had a good feeling about me as she drained me of a little more blood.....

'yes you had good veins didn't you' 'You'll make a lovely mummy' she quipped.

I do feel so dreadfully tired and boobs are still very sore so am hoping this is a good sign, although you never know if fate as a wake up call lined up for you. A little reminder that life can also be exceedingly crap at times.

XXX

PS thanks for messages can you (broken) send me you blog address if you have one. Hope all is on the move for you I replied to you through my comments link, still haven't worked out how to use blogging things yet.