This could be the end

I am using my blog cathartically again.

Something has happened and I fear the worst, just as I reach my 8 week mark I feel a pain, inside, as I drive to Sainsburys, an ache, I wonder about this ache as it feels worrying. A rush of dampness and I abandon my trolley and head for the loos.

It's bad, not sure whether to go into detail or not but there is blood and a clot, and suddenly I am faced with what I think is a miscarriage, I try not to panic thinking of all the places, it would have to be Sainsburys toilets.

I chant 'No, no, no,' like a mantra as I frantically unwrap a cyclogest pessary.

I tense my abdomen in a vein attempt to stop any other debris from coming away. I leave sainsburys and get to my car talking to myself like a mad person,

'You are strong, just get in the car and drive home and phone mum, you're alright stay calm, this happens to lots of ladies, stay calm'

I have so much school work todo, piled in my car, I have shopping to do, but life has stopped for this moment. I must focus on me and my uterus once again, GOSH were right, I am high risk, perhaps I shouldn't of been working, perhaps I should of been in bed for the whole first trimester. The pain has gone but I am too scared to go to the loo, I am trying to ignore the slight back pain I can feel.

I phoned my mum, no answer.

I phoned my boyfriend no answer.

I email Spain.

I phone the doctors and burst into tears as the words ' I think I am having a miscarriage leave my lips' I feel silly as the receptionist asks me the best number to get the doctor to call on, I squeak out my number trying not to cry but unable to help it.

All feels abit sudden and can't quite get my head round it.

Mums phoned and she is on her way.