SOMEBODY PLEEEEASE!

I have never experienced such worry and frustration. I am left aghast at the lack of help I am getting from my local surgery and hospital it is like I am on some kind of blacklist. 'Don't want her sort round 'ere swanning in with her IVF sob stories and tales of Spain, expecting us to drop everything, who does she think she is eh?'

I phone the Midwife Liason person at the Local hospital who assures me she will help and will call me back. I feel relieved and await her call.

'listen, I am so sorry but there are no appointments for a scan whatsoever'

What about the appointment the lady doctor made me on Thursday for Thursday this week?

'there is no record of that, I am afraid'

I feel my voice go shakey, thinking now that I almost certainly had a miscarriage last week and have still got a host of debris that could become an infection or something but I don't want to stop taking the hormones incase there is a slim chance a fetus is still there.

She can't help me.

I feel so hopeless, I phone my doctor leaving messages with the receptionist. They say they are putting it on his screen but he is so busy.

I can't stop crying, it is madness noone is helping me.

I email GOSH desperate, saying I will come up to London, anything, I just need help.

I phone the WD's private clinic, they give me an appointment for an early scan on Thursday, I say nothing about the miscarriage at this stage just feeling relieved to get an appointment. Also not as expensive as I thought either £50.

At least I have that.

The Doctor calls, tells me he will phone the gynae ward he says he will phone me back, he is trying to sort something for tomorrow.

GOSH phones me, Susan, she says she has tried to ring but the phone was engaged, the angels have flown in.

'H I have spoken to the UCLH they can see you today or tomorrow, obviously the best is for you to be seen locally, I can't believe you are having this trouble, I shall phone your GP, if he can't sort something out then go to the UCLH tomorrow. So do you think it was a miscarriage?'

I explain the detail, the cartillage the clot.

'Well we thought it might happen didn't we, it doesn't make it any easier though does it' she says with a sympathetic tone, I burst into tears losing control of my composure. Turning into a squeaking mess again.

She has helped me though and at least I can start a fresh when this is all over. Which is what I need to come to terms with.

I put down the phone and let myself lose it for a moment.

Then Susan phones me back.

'Hi I've spoken to your GP and he has suggested we go down my route as it may well be quicker, he has been trying really hard to get you seen but he's not sure how quickly he can do it'

I know, it's not his fault, but it seems so mad!

So I have phoned UCLH who know me instantly when I call, asking me what time suits me, taking in to consideration where I am travelling from she gives me an appointment at midday, her voice is chirpy and helpful and I feel like I have finally got home. my mother is coming with me, I almost certainly know what the result of the scan will be, so I think I will need her there, knowing before you go doesn't make it any less difficult and there is always a niggling refusal to give up the hope that is shining in a corner of the back of my mind like a little candle, until I see the screen that extinguishes it.

Susan said that my Gp will be working on the Gynae ward for the aftercare. I think they all know like I do, that, that will be the next step no matter how much shining is going on.

I just have to say every cancer survivor is different and I am sure there are plenty of success stories too for those of you embarking on the egg donation IVF route!

My uterus is showing the damage it sustained back in 1988 rebelling against me after teasing me for a couple of months, so while I have a couple of plan B's it may well be that I may have to come to terms with a few of these early losses if we are going to try again, we are not going to give up yet. So maybe the zimmer frame and incontinence pants may come first after all.....

This could be the end

I am using my blog cathartically again.

Something has happened and I fear the worst, just as I reach my 8 week mark I feel a pain, inside, as I drive to Sainsburys, an ache, I wonder about this ache as it feels worrying. A rush of dampness and I abandon my trolley and head for the loos.

It's bad, not sure whether to go into detail or not but there is blood and a clot, and suddenly I am faced with what I think is a miscarriage, I try not to panic thinking of all the places, it would have to be Sainsburys toilets.

I chant 'No, no, no,' like a mantra as I frantically unwrap a cyclogest pessary.

I tense my abdomen in a vein attempt to stop any other debris from coming away. I leave sainsburys and get to my car talking to myself like a mad person,

'You are strong, just get in the car and drive home and phone mum, you're alright stay calm, this happens to lots of ladies, stay calm'

I have so much school work todo, piled in my car, I have shopping to do, but life has stopped for this moment. I must focus on me and my uterus once again, GOSH were right, I am high risk, perhaps I shouldn't of been working, perhaps I should of been in bed for the whole first trimester. The pain has gone but I am too scared to go to the loo, I am trying to ignore the slight back pain I can feel.

I phoned my mum, no answer.

I phoned my boyfriend no answer.

I email Spain.

I phone the doctors and burst into tears as the words ' I think I am having a miscarriage leave my lips' I feel silly as the receptionist asks me the best number to get the doctor to call on, I squeak out my number trying not to cry but unable to help it.

All feels abit sudden and can't quite get my head round it.

Mums phoned and she is on her way.