The breast I can do apparently. 29 weeks.

So the UCLH replied to my letter asking about breast feeding after the pregnancy. I thought perhaps that once the pregnancy was over and the baby was born my hormones would go back to nothing and I may not be able to breast feed and the baby blues would be a tidal wave of despair.

Apparently according to the consultant I liase with, she advised that perhaps after 6 weeks once breast feeding has been established that I could have a hormone patch for HRT and that I could arrange an appointment for this if I wanted, which was very re assuring. Apparently cancer survivors/menopausal women who have had egg donation IVF still can breast feed. Although she did say that it is not particularly easy the first time round for anyone! At least I could give it a shot though.

Totally irrelevant but baby has been quite quiet today, thank goodness for my doppler, could reccomend to anyone who may feel that they might worry through a pregnancy to get one off ebay!

May drink some coffee later and some ice cream apparently that can get baby shifting about.

x

Is it me?

Just got a phone call from my midwife asking me how my hospital appointment went and whether I had an appointment to see her. (the surgery had lost my appointment I made for the 30th Aug).

The appointment sorted she went on to ask me if the hospital had discussed the birth with me.

'Er no'

'Oh this is ridiculous, they should of discussed this with you at 28 weeks' she said

'Well I have to say I did have a bit of a moan at them about the way things are being done, or not being done and he just said that 'everyone does things differently''

'Who did you see?'

'Sorry can't remember his name, it's a different person everytime I go there'

'Did they take your 28 week bloods?'

'No, they gave me a form to take to you to do at our next appointment'

'When your 30 weeks?'

'Yes, he said 28 weeks, 30 weeks it doesn't matter'

'They should of done it at the clinic, this is crazy'

I must admit I looked at my maternity notes and noticed I should have had discussions with my midwife regarding breast feeding at 28 weeks and discussions of the birth and alsorts, I should of filled in a form saying what meds I want at the birth etc etc.

So it actually appears I am not even getting the care a normal run of the mill pregnancy gets.

'Did they take your 24hr urine collection'

'Yes but the doctor said I didn't need to do that anymore unless my U and E's are high'

'So who implemented the 24 hr urine collecton?'

'The consultant I should of seen from the beginning who was going on GOSH's concerns over my renal impairment'

'Oh right well she is on leave until next week hopefully you will see her next time'

In the front of my maternity notes there is a note from the NHS stipulating the quality their maternity services offer, one of which is 'consistency of care'.

I just keep asking myself if it is me? Am I the one who is not doing what they should be doing, I begin to get paranoid that I am becoming a paranoid moaning pain in the backside for the people who do such good work, but it appears the midwife is now getting concerned at what should be happening, which sort of re assures me that a) she is on the case and b)I am not a paranoid hyper condriact.

The midwife seemed very apologetic and I feel re assured that she is on the case at least, none the less, it does rock my otherwise calm steady boat that was just sailing out of the dock of NHS despair into NHS appreciation.

Lets just hope my boat doesn't sink!

Nice Hospital Staff - 28 weeks (+3 days)

Well it is definately there and growing and looking like a baby bump as oppose to looking like I have just consumed my body weight in pies, although my body weight in drumsticks and refreshers could be consumed without any problem at the moment but my teeth are suffering ( not to mention the e numbers for the baby) and I have to try and restrain myself and draw a line to the 'going with what my body cries out for' excuse.

Went for 28 week scan on Friday, everything fine, enough fluid, heart pumping away everything where it should be, baby definately not conforming, back to us, legs crossed in typical fetal position and feet hiding the crucial piece of evidence, they are trying to tell us something and so is everyone we talk to when we say we want to know the sex, 'Well we just wanted a healthy baby, that didn't matter to us'

(let me just go into a corner and hide my head in shame how dare I be so callous, of course the babies health matters more than anything else in the world and we really don't care whether it is a boy or a girl, but we would like to know if possible......she says coyly feeling immense guilt and beating herself several times on the back with a rolled up copy of mother and baby, 'bad mummy, bad mummy')

Perhaps the baby has tuned into my credit card frequency(?) and has sensed my desire to use it in Monsoon in the sale for the little dresses teasingly hanging in all of their netted pretty glory ( yes from 0 - 3 months!) begging me to buy them and has decided, for my own good, that knowing their sex would open up a whole pandoras box of spending one way or the other. Once baby comes I will be too knackered and will not care what the cuteness factor of the clothes are and whether it was bought by mummy or not (although I am buying the first cuddly toy come hell or high water, just won't be the pretty rag dolls I have seen I guess) (but how sexist....more guilt) so baby is wise and knows it's mummy too well already.

At the antenatal clinic appointment I saw another doctor I had never seen before and who hadn't read my notes and when he asked me whether I had any questions I got everything off my chest, my concerns at not seeing the person I am under since being pregnant (he told me she was on leave, but I heard her talking to another couple in the lobby), having to explain to everyone that I do see, why I am having certain checks etc etc, felt better afterwards but also felt like I have to let go, leeeeeeeeeeet go.

They after all are ALL professionals, probably dealing with real problem pregnancies, looking after people who haven't had it easy, who are in real danger. i have to dismount the soap box and trust in the NHS, and trust that my body can do this, that if it's going to be natural then they must think my body can cope with it, I have got to stop living my pregnancy through my past medical history, stop harping back to concerns GOSH made years ago, things have changed and they are checking me, that is the main thing they are monitoring me, I have to be nice and appreciate all that is being done and not give them a hard time, their jobs are demanding enough without me rattling off my paranoia.

There is also a consideration that there is an element of guilt that I had egg donation IVF and perhaps they look upon this as taking the place of a 'normal' pregnancy, eating up funds that someone else could use, I am sure this is not the case but it is there in the depths of the back of my mind, but I guess if they don't read my notes then perhaps they may not even pick up on this.

Anyway, so far all has been fine, kidneys, ticker (paranoia - not quite so good). So I have a new resolve, let the poor bastards just get on with their job, lets face it, they do a great one really given what they have to put up with.

A leap of faith into the hands of those who mean to do well. I shall just continue doing my bit, eating healthy (ok maybe the refreshers aren't included in that bit) doing exercise, drinking water (when I remember) and trying not to freak out about my body and it's ability to give birth naturally.

Breathe in Love for the NHS breathe out a desire to refer them to my exhaustive notes everytime I see them.


x

(I am nice and do think happy thoughts)!