The amazing disappearing person.

Finished work yesterday, what a weird day that was, I just feel totally like I am living in like a tube stop between independent life and motherhood, I am sitting twiddling my thumbs watching these people I spent every working day with drift off down a tunnel merrily chatting and getting on with life, and here I am kicking my heels, sitting on a scummy metal tube stop bench, wondering what on earth the world has in store for me next. (the house is a tip at the moment)

So today I went to my NCT class, an all day intensive, having been to the last two with my other half this one was a chance for the 'ladies' to have a chat over lunch. Everyone has always said how wonderful the NCT are and they truly are, I am just not very good at selling myself to people and making new friends and so it is a real tester for me to be thrown together with ladies all in a similar situation to me (apart from the egg donation, how I wish there was an NCT class for egg donation recipients). So everyone gets on and chats about the emails that have been forwarded I haven't received one email yet and obviously there is a technical error but my natural insecurity and hormones convince me that noone is interested in being my NCT buddy. I feel so low today and felt I was on a seperate planet to everybody else, I am sure it is the change in lifestyle, my work consumed my every breath and here I am at this tube stop with all these people, who are setting up coffee mornings and yoga sessions together, making homemade tartlet things with Basil and Sundried tomatoe and here am a buy one get one free taste the difference quiche (beacuse quite frankly I couldn't be arsed to faff around with culinary stuff) which never got touched apart from the NCT teacher who took a slice out of sympathy for me. Boooo Hoooo I am low today. Felt like everything I contributed was negative or boring or selfish and so decided to keep quiet, letting everyone talk around me. birth pools, perineums, doulas. I just have no confidence at the moment, control seems to be out of reach as things are moving on but my head is still somewhere else.

Anyway we are meeting up, week after next I am sure I will feel better next time, it is just the finishing work thing, I emailed everyone (NCT) to tell them my email address and to apologise for not responding to anything as I hadn't received it. Felt better and more grown up after doing that. Is it because I am different to everyone that I feel this way? Is it because they are all quite well healed with giant conservatories and aga's to make basil and sundried tomatoe tarts, or is it because my baby wasn't born from my egg, that I am a fake NCT member. I am sure it is just my hormones. (Randomly and talking of hormones breast feeding hormones are different to oestrogen and progesteron hence me being able to breast feed when the babies born, could be the oxytocin that is realeased but can't remember.....what a surprise) DG kindly reminded me it is prolactin that triggers the milk supply here is a link www.kellymom.com/bf/supply/milkproduction.html for those of you who like me are devoid of oestrogen and progesterone and worry about breast feeding.

Today I just blend into the wallpaper and disappear. Just me and the baby bump away from the maddening crowds, problem is, without the maddening crowds I will go mad.