Peace (is what I want)

I am finding my inner calm. After a few frantic feels of my breasts this morning and slight panic that they felt normal and not pregnant, I resigned myself to Que ce ra, ce ra.

Spotting has stopped though.

Taking my hands off everything (including my breasts) I got on with my day, and tried to focus on looking after my preschoolers thankfully they kept cuddling me today, and I realised, quite painfully, that my breasts are still definately sore. The poor kids were being shuffled around and moved gently away with a chorus of 'ooh' 'owch' 'Ooooh hang on a minute lets have a look at this over here (a million miles away from my breasts)'

G thinks I am mad I come home and inform him gleefully of how painful my breasts are and how sick I have felt today. It's like winning the lottery everytime I get a nauseous wave or a stabbing breast pain.

I can, like so many, only wait for the scan now. Like all the people before me who have had to endure what I am going through, I will be doing the same, staring at the calender as if the days are going to suddenly gather pace and canter into next week, it is out of my control and in the hands of fate.

I got an email from my friend who offered to donate her eggs for me a couple of years ago, she is getting married and wanted to know how things were going, I told her where I am at but still worry the more people I tell that the law of sod will come creeping in to turn things pear shaped. It has already stepped in slightly to give me a twinge of a sore throat this evening after I had, had a couple of nervous days of work last week.( I feel so guilty now).

I do allow myself to worry abit, I mean anyone would wouldn't they, £5,000 and 3 years of emotional turmoil, fighting against the tide, I want to keep the blobs in not go through that again.

Roll on Easter Holidays, I can collapse on my bed then and not think of anything!