Hopelessly Devoted....

I am hopelessly devoted to a child that I haven't got.

Driving through the country lanes to work I heard the latest Cheryl Crow song featuring sting, for some reason it started me off grizzling, (yes, most likely hormones I am sure!) I couldn't help it, I feel so hopeless at the moment, I just have this feeling that it hasn't worked, it's so hard doing this, fighting to get pregnant. I even woke up this morning and grizzled as soon as I opened my eye's. G didn't know what was wrong with me but hugged me anyway, he did know really, he just can't understand why I am so negative about it all.

I work with a lovely lady who told me she has had four miscarriages in her life, I disclosed my situation to her, explaining that they were two blobs in Spain and that was all I knew.

She said 'if it's succesful it will be such a long pregnancy!'

She's right, that is the other thing that worries me, if it has been successful it will be 3 months of sheer hell and worry before I can relax and tell yet more people!!

(Why can't I keep it to myself and save myself possible pain and a feeling of abnormality). It is such a big thing in my life, infact it is my life at the moment, it is all I can think about, so I guess I just need to talk about it.

I know I am lucky to of been given a chance, but I can't believe I can be that fortunate to carry a baby full term.

Anyway, I must try and get my life back and my brain. My work is suffering I need to focus.

I treated myself to a large bottle of wine which I am keeping in the cupboard for any negative outcome next week.

There is always a silver lining.