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My solar plexus is squiffy annd my chakras are all out of sink....

I wish I could remain balanced and neutral, I just want to be away from work, I want to be able to just be, I can't do it at the moment.

I stupidly got the dates wrong regarding the HCG blood test ( down to my body weight in hormones I am taking) I booked a test for Tuesday when I could of had one on Monday, Bugger. I am going to the WD's clinic £30, but worth it to know it is a propar test.

Today at work I was a mess of tension and hormones, I just can't throw myself into it today. I even was quite brusk with a colleague who is always so nice. I feel out of control and wish I didn't have to think about having to be there and having to function, I feel like I am just getting these next few days out of the way, and the quicker I do it the better.

Sitting bathed in afternoon sun is where I want to be, making necklaces or something arty. I am a manager of a Pre-School and right now I want someone to be telling me what to do so I don't have to think, there is not enough space in my brain at the moment to do a job.

I stupidly did a pregnancy test today knowing full well it would be negative as it is too early, Monday is the earliest for blood, Urine would be Friday next week. I just want to get it over with, so I can get on with my life. I really don't feel pregnant though, my face has been dry with very pink cheeks since we got back from Spain but I think that is down to sitting in the sun and the bloody hormones again!! There is no difference other than that. It is all hormone induced which gives nothing away in my situation.

My friend who had the baby (as yet still unnamed!!) is down this weekend, I am going to handover the much loved Spanish Music box. I am so looking forward to seeing her and their new bundle but part of me is scared of how I might feel at this time. It shouldn't change anything I know that, but I am so emotional and coupled with the hormones I just hope I can be normal and enjoy the friends and the new baby without getting all deep and inside myself.

I had tears fill up in my eyes when I was talking to a colleague today, she is having a tough time with some of her parents (she is a teacher) and out of sheer empathy I could feel I was welling up, I am pathetic. I need more backbone, more oomf.

I am trying to be strong, I feel empty though, I keep trying to feel pregnant but something is telling me, is hasn't worked, I am sure I should feel something, the problem is I do(light headed, hot, all that stuff) but, jeesh, these are all side effects of Oestrogen which I shove down my neck everyday, it means nothing.

I could well be just an empty container with a wobbly jelly brain.

This time next week it could all be over the hormones will stop and that could be it, at least I will know.....