Spanish Transfer -The diary from 10th -14th

Hola, I have managed to get myself wifi access to bring you the story so far.......

Saturday the 10th Feb

I woke early and drove into work determind to get some done, noone was there when I arrived the school was locked. I was secretly pleased that I could concentrate rather selfishly, on me and my naughty uterus and whether we were going to be going to Spain.
I refreshed my email as many times as I took an intake of breath, wondering whether Spain were going to enlighten me about the bleeding and cramps, instead I was invited to try Viagra and Cialis and meet my perfect love match online but no word from Spain.
G got busy packing and being organised, my energy levels were low (probably due to the immense lack of iron currently parting with my body).

‘Er hello yes I am phoning about some oestradiol results, my name is H’ I left my number on the answer machine, it was midday, I should have had the results, 15 minutes later, Fiona called, a chirpy voiced fertility lab person.
‘Hiya, yes it is 925 pmol-L’
‘Is that good?’
‘You’re a receipient aren’t you, I am afraid I don’t know I am used to stimulating follicles, sorry.’
‘oh ok then’
‘It would be about mid cycle if that is any help’
‘Ok thank you so much bye’
I email Spain and spend the rest of the day either clutching my abdomen or refreshing my inbox.
No word from them, we just have to go, we pack and I fall asleep infront of the tv after a couple of glasses of wine. The next day is going to come regardless.

Sunday 11th February 2007

I can’t sleep, I am awake pretty much most of the few hours before we have to get up. First thing I do is check the ‘under carriage’. Lighter, definitely lighter but the pain is still there. We rise, I am willing myself to be calm and for G to be calm, he panics more then I do, bless him, slightest potential problem and he goes into over drive. I manage to steer him away today by keeping myself serene but strong and cutting him off mid flap.Outside the dark, still night, is refreshing, both the beginning and the end of a long story in our lives. I pop cards in the neighbours’ door, announcing a number to call should our house be invaded by wilder beast while we are away (or something similar).

I stand and wait for G by the car, he, rather chivalrously, (and completely out of character) has offered to bring down my bags. I stand taking in the 4 am air, the sounds of the bird song lilting on the branches of trees. All are aleep, the world goes round and we are off to Spain with hopes and monumentos fears. I love this world though no matter what, the magic of early mornings, the splattering of light upstairs in houses, the routine for people and their lives, (hang on a minute it is Sunday, why are there still people getting up at 4 am)!!

My father drives us to Gatwick, South. The skiiers are out in force and there is a stampede of Ugg Boots. I give my Dad a lingering hug, he is an emotional stick and says in slightly wavering voice ‘We’ll be thinking of you’.

We slip through the terminal in what has to be the quickest check in, in the history of mind numbing check in ques, we swooped straight in and swooped out with some rather dandy seats to ourselves at the back of the plane.

A few arbitary glances at accesorize and a muffin with fruit smoothie later and we are boarding the Monarch flight to Malaga. I have read articles on people who have done exactly what we are doing so many times, re-read the text until my eyes went blurry and now here we are doing exactly what so many before us have done, we are living the dream (sounds awfully american does it not!)
In the airport I had a quick peek ‘downstairs’, suddenly it had stopped, I start to feel myself allowing the relief to creep in. I walk out of the toilets beaming, they must of wondered what on earth I had been doing in there.

‘Simon?’ I have spotted our travel co-ordinator (husband to the nurse at the IVF clinic conveniently enough).‘H’ we shook hands at Malaga arrivals lounge after so many conversations on the phone, ‘G’ he said extending his hand to my better half.

We weaved in and out of mostly Spanish travellers (relief) and hopped into the waiting carriage, which happened to be a very nice Jag. And RELAX.

The clinic are thinking of flying over english donors for IVF, paying them and giving them subsidised flights and hotel costs according to Simon. Seems mad doesn’t it, don’t think he appreciated my tale of the winking doctor and his summary of what is going on in the NHS and the fact he has a clinic down the road from us, famous case of my mouth talks and my brain switches off but I think Simon got the jist, all tha same, that we think the UK stinks at egg donation IVF through the NHS (fortunately for him and his Mrs I guess).

So here I am sitting on a balcony outside our double room, over looking a little mariner, with a collection of boats bobbing on the lazy Spanish waves, Sunshine, (about 21 degrees at some points today), the mountains a backdrop to the brilliant white cubes that disappear into the distance and look like blobs of snow on the hillside. People amble along the tasteful promenade arm in arm, sweater over their shoulders and in the distance I can here a crowd at the stadium, a bull fight (unfortunately but hey ho you can’t have everything). On a brief reccy we spy the clinic nestled opposite our four star hotel above a computer shop.
‘H hi I thought I would give you a ring to make sure you have got here safe and sound’
It’s the call I have been waiting for, Simon very kindly gave us a mobile to be contacted on and for UK people to contact us on which is far cheaper than our one. We need to be contactable at all times for obvious reasons.
Since my elation at Gatwick the cramps returned and I have slipped into blood loss again.
‘Listen I spoke to Dr B and he says the fluid on your scan is the scarring from the polyp removal, your uterine lining is great and your hormone levels are fantastic’
OH MY GOD!
‘But I am still bleeding is that ok?’‘Well it’s not ideal, but Dr B is going to Scan you to see for himself, but it could be that your body is asking for the Progesterone that you are going to start taking on Tuesday anyway’
‘Oh ok’
‘So you are going to be seeing me on Tuesday at 12.00, the eggs would have been taken from the donor and we shall scan you to see what is going, oh yes and bring the money as you will need to pay for the procedure too, any questions call me on the mobile Simon gave you’.
I feel happier, but still concerned we could part with all that money only for my naughty uterus to flush out the little embryos. Anyway in the words of a great risk taker......

‘ he who dares rodders, he who dares’.

Monday 12th February

The night was airless and I excaped to the balcony at 7am, wrapped in a blanket I watched the sunrise over the sea, the waning moon hung crescent shaped, in the sky with saturn and venus at it’s side (I have a nifty calender that tells me what is going on in the sky in the mornings, apparently Saturn and Venus will be buggering off out of view again soon so it was nice to witness their brief appearance). Can’t tell you how wonderful it is to be here (in the words of Otis) watching the boats come in and watch them roll away again. The hotel is fantastic, clean, modern with just enough chic to make you feel special, we were very lucky to get this place, with all it’s facilities, use of gym, spa (at a price), swimming pool etc. It is conveniently placed opposite the clinic too which is great.

I have finally stopped bleeding and all is well (apart from the dull ache I experience every so often).
‘Would madam like a juice?’ A smart looking waiter greeted us at breakfast, there was an array of freshly squeezed smoothie mixtures to welcome us.

As promised by Simon the whole breakfast experience was definitely a winner. The choice was amazing and I got my fresh melon and some juicy sweet fresh pineapple. Champagne was even an option if we wanted it. We were like a couple of cheshire cats, we were drinking in the holiday feeling, purely enjoying being away.We spent the morning by the pool, I did some work, and G slept, then we headed off into the ‘old town’ of Marbella, twisting Andalucian pathways and whitewashed Spanish churches making way to a superb old town square, filled with alfresco cafes and art galleries, we walked and ate and drank and walked and took photo’s we discussed getting a camper van and buggering off round europe in a couple of years time (probably in an attempt to forget what we are here for), 6 months travel, nice dream, maybe, we’ll see, we’ll get home and suddenly the priority will be the Sainsburys delivery.(although somehow I think not).

A great day of holidaying, I sit here on the balcony, tapping away on the laptop, thinking to myself this evening will be a pampering evening, a deep hot bubble bath with my travel candle, fake tan and a razor. Pluck, squeeze and moisturise ready for the IVF day tomorrow. I am being scanned and the eggs are being retrieved, part of me wants to camp outside the clinic to see the donor arrive, see what she looks like, is she like me? But part of me knows it would not be good idea.The romantic idea that we will meet the nurse tomorrow and she announces that the resemblence to the donor is uncanny and she has never before come across two people so similar that aren’t related, is a pretty unrealistic one. I have begun to formalise what will happen to our child if this is successful, they will learn Spanish at Pre-school age and I will go to evening Spanish lessons too, I have tried to pursuade G but that needs work. I realise as I type this it is foolish to even let myself think along such lines at this point, we still have such a long way to go. I do know though, that I won’t keep it from the child, they will be special and will have some roots here in Spain and I want them to have every opportunity to investigate what is part of them and who they are. If, of course, we get past the next million, gigantic mountain like hurdles.

Tuesday 13 February 2007

We indulged in Paella last night but I stupidly wouldn’t eat the crustations I had been looking forward to. I worried about the possibility of being ill, so now I am officially in panic mode, or at least overly worried mode. Despite this I managed to sleep last night and woke at about sunrise again, which is strange as I have an alarm clock at home that is a fake sunrise, it’s supposed to beat the winter blues, maybe I have tuned into being woken up by the chink of orange light coming through the curtains. If anything is going to beat the winter blues it is being here, how I envy the people that spend the winter in their Spanish apartments.Another feast of fresh melon this morning and a refreshing array of pleasant looking Spanish waiters, which is nice.G and I had very healthy options this morning, perhaps thinking it would make a difference to the day ahead, but in reality, was neither here nor there, what was going to be, was going to be, G’s little swimmers would have been manufactured 3 months ago anyway, just about the time he was getting pissed almost on a daily basis, eating copious amounts of rich food and smoking himself into oblivion over the festive season. So the lazy gits will probably be in a drunken heap at the bottom of his loins, desperately reaching for the alka seltzer, and suffering from hacking coughs, the idea of fighting to get into an egg is the last thing on their minds.

We mooch about in the morning, I plug into G’s PDA and listen to my relaxtion hypnosis MP3 while sitting in a comfy chair in the sunshine on the balcony . It makes me laugh at the beginning, the blokes voice sounds like a wide boy shouting across a bar, then all of sudden he goes all hypno, and before you know it you are melting into his soothing words, thinking of alsorts but in a nice way.
I am sure I had a visualisation meditation type thing, it was very soothing whatever it was.

After suitably forcing relaxtion on myself via the words of ‘Gordon’ Whatshisface, I shower. Then G showers, then we kiss and look at each other, ‘Lets get this show on the road’, and we amble over the road to the clinic, to meet our destiny.

‘You have 8 eggs and Dr B will be scanning you to make sure your lining is still ok and to find out where the bleeding is coming from’ She was a friendly faced nurse with a great reassuring light heartedness, she hugged me when we met, which was sort of what I needed although took me by surprise.
‘I have stopped’‘Fantastic, well he will scan you anyway to see how things are going, and I will take your blood to check the hormone levels again. G needs to do his bit today and then we will see how the development of the cell division is going and ascertain which are the strongest and haven’t fragmented, we are looking for transfer to be Thursday if we have definate strong ones if they are all strong then we will give them another day in which case it could be Friday’

8 eggs, that’s amazing, we are sharing eggs with another couple so the donor has done very well, weirdly enough 8 is my numerology number (I know I shall try and stop talking bollocks, but I believe in all that crap, or at least I try and cling to positives……. also we have the number 8 mobile for them to reach us on....spooky).

She talked for a while about what would be happening, but my brain is turning to jelly and I can’t for the life of me remember every detail(she says it is the hormones making my brain do this, I tell this to G every month so now I can get away with it officially)!, her mouth was moving but my mind was two steps behind.

Basically Thursday is Embryo Tranfer day, THE BIG ONE! As from tonight I will be shoving little bullets of Progesterone into my front bottom twice a day swallowing 2mg of Progynova 3 times a day and keeping myself as relaxed as possible which is not easy for me!

After the transfer I am to do nothing for 24 hours, literally, bed rest, while G becomes my Slave and I become his Slob as the nurse put it, I just hope it takes place on Thursday which means we can take the going home slowly, already I am worried about work and kids bashing into my precious cargo, will have to tell my colleague I had an operation or something and she will have to do heavy stuff.

Then the next hurdle is pregnancy test, blood test, to see what lies ahead, there are 4 types of pregnancy result (of course, how could we expect it to be straight forward), high – ‘Oh mama, you are going to be a BIG mama multiple birth type scenario’, positive – Yep, you are officially up the duff, medium – mmm well yes you are but perhaps have another test abit later on to make sure it is not an early miscarriage and negative. So what nail biting joy we have awaiting us in roughly 15 days time. Of course if I have the test done on the NHS we could be waiting 4 years for the result and so I wonder whether to go private again at the WD’s clinic for that bit. 15 days, will feel like 15 years.
‘Anything above 8mm is good’ said Dr B as he shoved his probe into my lady area. I had my first taste of the stirrups, legs a kimbo, not the most flattering pose. I look at the screening always expecting to see something but never understand what I am looking at. He highlighted my uterus and pointed out the lining to me.‘So, we go from there, to there’ and he drew a dotty line on the screen indicating the thickness of the lining.‘9mm’ ‘Oh good,’‘Yes that is good and now I will look at the ovaries……oh they are very small, yes the right is very small….and the left……oooh yes very small, they are tiny’(alright don’t rub it in)
‘That’s radiation for you’ I said sort of forgetting I was talking to a Dr, ‘and chemotherapy’
‘Yes, right’
He mentioned them no more, I always sort of hope that one day I will be scanned and they will say that there are some eggs and they are normal, or even ‘My god you are pregnant, well looks like you have healed yourself so you won’t be needing us anymore, congratulations’.

Maybe I should start wishing for world peace instead, there is more chance of that………

OK so I allow myself to feel slightly pleased, G on the other hand is not quite as pleased, apparently his sample was not great, he felt it wasn’t what it could be (too busy with their hangovers deep down in the depths of his dangly bits). Well we are having ICSI so the lazy gits don’t have to swim they just have to be good at fertilising. Fingers crossed, it is all in the lap of the gods or whatever now.

We part with the cash 4,770 euros, just like that, no wonder they are having new 3d 4d scanning machines delivered the day we arrive, oh well the money is going to a good place and to good people.

G said as we walked up the stairs he saw a young couple waiting to go home, he wondered if it was the donor, I wish I had seen, he said the girl was very pretty, I am sure he said it to make me feel good, who knows I doubt it could of been her in the same place as us at the same time who knows, best we don’t.

We left on a high, feeling like a honeymooning couple we don’t let go of each other for most of the day. Even if we are just slightly touching.
The mobile is charged waiting to hear the news of the cells and what they are up to, we should hear tomorrow.

We bought a token gift for the donor, a bracelet, with silver circles and crosses on, hugs and kisses, I put it in a heart shaped chocolate box and will take it to the clinic tomorrow or Thursday when we go in. The woman we bought it from had her baby in the shop (well she didn’t HAVE her baby in the shop, that would have been slightly unexpected), I couldn’t help but look at the little mite, fast asleep on it’s back in the pram, part of me wondering, well you know. Still a long road ahead, must remain strong and open minded.

Is it me or are there babies everywhere at the moment?

Wednesday 14th February 'Valentines Day' aaaaaaah

Awoke to a rosey fingered sunrise this morning, the pink and orange light was streaming through the open balcony door and the net curtain was idolly lolloping on the gentle breeze. I slipped in and out of consciousness and had a rather delicious dream about Jamie Oliver, how lovely he visits me in my dreams on valentines day.

I feel smug, so far things have surprised me in a good way, I am now on progesterone as well as oestrogen as well as folic acid, I am surprised I don't rattle.

Perhaps it is the hormones making me feel so good and so cheesily honeymoonish..... So what if I forget who I am sometimes.

We enjoyed another glorious breakfast although, my hunger was not as ferocoius as previous visits. We decided to shop for my friend who recently had a baby boy and Gs' friend who recently had a baby girl. We venture to the old town carrying the all important mobile that would tell us the embryonic score, which we got in the middle of a purchase in a beautiful shop selling colourful wooden toys which had a Spanish chic. (I purchased a rather lovely wooden music box that played Spanish music as two magnetic clowns clumsily bobbed in little dancing circles infront of a circus tent, the hormones are really kicking in I was besotted with it's cuteness I hope her baby likes it as much as me!)

'Well you have 4 good ones unfortunately 2 eggs were not mature enough to do ICSI, and 2 failed to meet the grade but it looks like we will be transferring tomorrow, the embryologists are pleased with the 4, but to be doubley sure we will leave them overnight and I will phone you first thing in the morning'.

I am extremely pleased initially but then ask about freezing two remaining,She tells me to just wait until tomorrow where we should get and idea of which two ae the best.

After my first feeling of elation I discuss with G and we suddenly realise we may not have a second chance with the frozen ones, they always put two back and the likely hood of two surviving the thawing process is unlikely. I like the idea of my donor now, the fact she is Spanish is interesting to me, I feel sad that we may have just one shot with this ladies eggs. I also wonder what happened to the immature eggs? I shall have to ask tomorrow. You really are in complete trust with the clinic.

So tomorrow is D day.

Tonight we shall drink champagne and go to a lovely seafood restaurant on the sea front, over looking the sea, still with hope in our hearts on valentines day, for the four little transformers eagerly multiplying in the petry dish, I just hope two of them will like their new environment!

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