The Complex

I am not sure I am being the receipient I am supposed to be, drinking 3 glasses of wine and not really paying attention to my uterus and the vibes I should be sending it.




Today, the day after the night before, I topped up on hair of the dog, (not in a bad way) I just had a couple of glasses. I was so good last night and only drank guiness, for the iron content, it has lots, and so that is what I drank, I am sure it is good for you, my mum drank guiness a couple of times when she was actually pregnant with my brother. I am not obviously, pregnant, I am just preparing a little nook for something to start growing in. Should I be drinking?


Perhaps I should email Spain........again.


I am sure it is fine as long as I am looking after myself in every other way, ok, now I feel guilty.


I have one shot at this (for the time being) we have spent time and money getting to this point and I still can't give up the booze.


I have been drinking herbal tea like there is no tomorrow though too, eating all organic food. Surely the hospital should be advising me on what I should and shouldn't be doing, surely they should give out a little 'pack' explaining the do's and don'ts of looking after yourself in the run up to implantation. Sounds like something from 'Lost' doesn't it!



We told my closest best friend last night, what was going on, he was banging on at me to book a trip away to see a mutual friend in Lyon, and a trip to the Lake District. I had to tell him, to get him off my case, why we couldn't be tied to anything, he was trying not to be excited and assured us it would go no further. I just feel the more people know the less chance it will happen, how bloody weird is that, although I feel good he knows in a way then I can cry and be mad quite openly if things don't work out.



Another friend was up the pub for my partners birthday, she is about to give birth within the next few days, we grew up together, she is the same size as me, same age, we did drama together, she has a gorgeous neat bump, and her baby will be beautiful. I feel no jealousy when I am with her I just feel that I am behaving weirdly and everyone knows about what we are doing and are expecting me to act like a mad woman or something. I can't explain that I just don't feel like that, I feel as happy for her as I would do if I could have kids myself. When she announced her (publicly unplanned but secretly planned) pregnancy, I did have a twinge, a little pang of 'My god, it is happening they are all having babies, my girlfriends I grew up with, they have finally succombed and are doing it how am I supposed to behave' I knew the day would come, I knew it was inevitable, I did get a little upset initially, don't know why, well I do, but, it was because it was her, someone who was a bit like me, someone who fancied my boyfriends and was never allowed out too late and who's mum picked us up at 3am from night clubs, her who came on holiday with us to Cornwall, drank copious amounts of gin and always had a good tale, her who played a role with me at an Edinburgh Fringe Production when we were at school. She was having a baby and I blatently wasn't.



Time has proven a healer, and the more exposure I have to her bump the easier I find it. I stroke it, probably manically, when I see her, probably abit disconcerting if you are attached to the bump.


I probably have a weird grimace smile on my face the whole time, she probably can't wait to get away from me. She looks great, she is great, I hope she doesn't think I am weird!



Anyway, I came up to do some work on the computer after a day of eating pheasant and drinking wine. I feel relaxed, the woodburner is ....burning, and I want to get infront of it but I need to do work and instead I am blogging.



Well I am going to blog off now, 4mg now, I won't drink for the rest of the week I am on the middle layer of uterine lining I guess, I visualise it in my mind as a velvet layer in a little red lit silky chamber, like an exclusive lounge bar for the rich and famous, and because of my drinking this layer is going to be laced with alcohol so if anything bounces of it, it would have a little whoosh of 'Chablis'. Tuesday I will be working on the final layer, the top and so I make a promise to myself to provide nothing but good for that one so a visualisation of a bed of folic acid cushions and a stream of purified water, tibetan meditation bells ringing in the distance, red silk sheets and yoga.


Hey, you crazy uterus, I love you.

H x