Princess reigns again.....

Feel a tad embarassed at being such a horrendous princess over my precious pregnancy.

Went to the doctors today to check the bleeding out.

She felt my abdomen and did a doppler and listened to me droning on about my history etc etc....( I am sure I caught her yawning) we both came to the conclusion a scan would at least tell us if the placenta was low lying which could cause a bleed.

Spain emailed me back Ruth said 'progesterone should most definately not be needed in this stage of pregnancy'

ooooooooops

So won't be doing that again (although did stop the bleed so perhaps in emergencies I would). (so only for the first 12 weeks should progesterone bullets be used to stop bleeding.)

Must make a conscious effort not to be a Princess and try and be as normal pregnancy as possible, try not to worry at every single sight of red (although is hard). My dodgy old uterus has done well so far, I just hope it can last the distance which is why I jump at every opportune moment, grabbing the phone like a pyscho, desperate to stop the possible radiation damage from shattering all my dreams. (Even though it saved my life, and I would not have dreams if I hadn't been nuked all those years ago).

Anyway throughout all of my panic Baby was chilling out and things were peachy in floaty baby world according to doppler.

Am booked in for scan tomorrow at 9 am anyway, I hope sound waves don't damage the baby, as the poor thing has been blasted with them on a regular basis recently due to their panic stricken mother.

Can't wait to have the little one out of there in some ways, I am sure hotel Uterus will prove me to be a paranoid wreck.

I hope so anyway.

Helping your self.

The red did not re appear over night, but in the morning I went to the loo, pink.......wipe....pink.....wipe a sudden rush of red....I suddenly became overwhelmed with worry that something was definately wrong.


I had been going through my maternity records, half of which I had to fill in myself as the midwife had forgotten to fill them in and had put the wrong patient number on.


Anyway I knew what number to call when I needed to ask for help, as it was stuck on the front of the notes, labelled pregnancy queries.

I phoned the hospital.

'Yes maternity ward' Cripes I wasn't expecting an answer, it was the number for pregnancy queries.

I explained my concern and my history, she told me to phone the on call GP for a referral. my voice was wobbling, I was beginning to well up.

I phoned the GP and broke down, G had to take the phone from me and try and translate through my tears. A doctor would call me in 30 minutes.

I lay down and G went to make me some herbal tea. I got out the doppler, heart beat was fine, THANK GOD FOR DOPPLERS. I felt the biggest kick of all which made me jump too.

GP called
'So whats been happening with you then' he said as if talking to a small child.

I went through my history, the blood clot the blood today. The climax of the call resulted in me agreeing there was nothing they could do, if I am going to bleed I am going to bleed. I acknowledged that a scan wouldn't help although would enlighten perhaps the reason for the bleed.


In my head I was weighing up the reasons, and summised it could be a drop in hormones or something, I told the GP I still had some progesterone pessaries and was considering putting one in.

'Well I don't see how that could help' he said in a mumbled sort of I-don't-really-undertand- egg-donation-IVF-and-why-you-would-do-that kind of way.


The problem is with my situation is it is all so up in the air, there is no reason why egg donation can't be a normal pregnancy unless you have a radioactive uterus which you are not sure will stretch that far, radioactive heart and damaged kidneys and no naturally produced hormones.(although hopefully placenta is doing alright)

I thanked the GP for his time, he told me to call straight away if it got worse and so I knew it was down to me to look after myself and do what I felt would be the right thing to do to stop the bleeding, like a little mantra Ruths voice was in my head 'Just pop in a progesterone pessary and see if that helps' I asked G what he thought and he agreed we should do it. So I did.

Guilt ridden for going against the doctor we drove down to the coast to get a blast of sea air. I hoped the pessary would'nt overdose me with progesterone and upset the baby or something.


The bleeding stopped, perhaps it was a drop in progesterone, who knows, I shant do another one unless the bleed comes back, may email Spain if this is the case to see what Ruth thinks, sometimes I feel so lonely in the NHS like abit of a misfit where noone really knows how to help me when things like this happen. Ruth is great though and I know she won't mind me emailing her for advice, she has really been my sanctuary in times of need as well as Great Ormond Street. Having to go through your entire back catalogue of illness and possible problems everytime you phone for help is really hard sometimes, makes you feel like you are wasting peoples time and being a drama queen.


The only thing that worries me is I do have a slight back pain on my left side, I just hope maybe I am growing and that is what caused it, who knows, as long as the little one is alright that is all that matters.


My advice to those venturing on the ED IVF. When you order your prescripton for the cyclogest pessaries do it online for your surgery if you can and always order more than you need so you have a small stash when you finish your first trimester, for red blips.


I do hope this is a blip, I can't let this little one go.


H x

The dreaded red is back.

Went to the loo and there it was the red I have been dreading to see, a tiny little, clot of red. No pain, although have had weird sudden little things going on today.

I am in a house full of friends we have had a lovely lazy day. crazy thoughts like I had a glass of wine with my lunch go through my mind, threading a wire of guilt. I know it is mad, I know and hope this is a blip, but equally my luck could run out. I am 16 weeks and I guess after disappearing upstairs to frantically look on the net for answers I see that perhaps it could be linked to the monthly cycle or something, or could be a clot behind the placenta. The other more sinister concern is the fact my uterus maybe stretching too much, perhaps it is going to snap like an elastic band, I just don't know.

Whatever it is I hope it is going to be ok, I have had visions of me waking in the night having to call an ambulance or something. I am being dramatic I am sure but shall get out all relevant numbers just in case.

The thought of a miscarriage happening now more than before is frightening, I am trying to stay calm, G is very laid back and says he is sure it is nothing to worry about, but I just think it could be the beginning of something..................my luck running out perhaps. Used the doppler and the babys heart is normal which is re assuring, just concerned by the clotty spotting.

Oh please please please let the red go away.

Full of organic goodness (hmmmmm) 16 wks.

Anyone that knows me, knows that I love my healthy food and try to be as organic as possible.

Now I thought, with bumpette, I would be even more so.......eager for the healthy option.

Instead I find myself buying 'Vesta Paella'...... in bulk..... of course I work in a school and so I thought, treat the kids to a sweetie each for half term so bought bumper pack of hideously unhealthy lollipops, I nearly leant forward at the checkout to whisper to the man, 'It's not all for me you know'. Riddled with guilt, bought equally large pack of strawberries and a large 'Superfoods' smoothie for me after my processed paella consumption.......yes ironic it is paella.....indulged in delicious tapas the other day too....hmmmmmmm.

Mind you I think Bumpette likes red thai curry actually, I make a mean red thai curry, tastes just like the real thing, and I reeeeeeally fancied it last night, it was the most movement I have felt so far in one hit, squirming around doing a little dance, at least I hope it was a dance of pleasure and not a frantic 'bare foot on hot coals moment'.

Bless.

Grateful

The world can be so cruel to so many.

Reading blogs of miscarriages and hoplesness I feel sad for those who are going through that and am angry for myself for getting so aggreivated over such meaningless things like my work, getting caught up in the small stuff and letting the bigger picture get blurry through the lack of focus on what is important.

I have been so caught up in the politics of work and the silliness of it all that I forget to be thankful for what has happened to me, I should be smiling every minute of the day letting the absurdity of work wash over me like a dredge of dirty water, avoiding contact and allowing myself to bask in the sunshine of the pregnancy I have wanted for so long.

I love my little 4.5 inch being already, and I need to keep acknowledging the thanks and love I feel. Perhaps I think it is too good to be true and something will happen that will change it all and then it will be too late. My mind still wonders everytime I go to the loo 'is it going to happen....am I going to see that red on the tissue'.

I have a lump on my wrist that I can't move, on the bone, I instantly think, 'thats it I have bone cancer.....' it has happened since I have been pregnant, so I think it's because of all those hormones that I took or something equally as crazy.

I need to remember I am lucky, I am so so lucky, and while I feel a little sad about the lack of true genetic siblings for the little one, I am lucky to of got this far, I am going to give them everything I have got and more.

8 Things about me -Been tagged by DG

8 Things about me

1. 8 is my lucky number!

2. I travelled the world for a year and spent all the money I made when I sold my house at 21. Have never been able to save since, but have some wicked photo's of the world and a tattoo just above my bikini line which is a reminder of the wonderful times spent gallavanting, being free and getting up to mischief.

3. I have a penchant for all things unexplained and slightly out there....am a bit witchy. 8 embryos, mobile no. 8 from clinic, Had ET day after valentines day (nothing to do with 8 just romantic!), my birthday is on Beltane Eve (fertility festival for May Day)which happened to be when I reached the 12 week mark, am 20 weeks on the summer solstice, baby due few days after bonfire night. (I know abit lame but spooooooooky) Last year I spent the whole year being witchy and attending fertility festivals. Have stopped being witchy so openly now, for fear that people think I may have a screw loose, but I know what I believe and I definately think that nature is a powerful force and still light candles to celebrate the wheel of the year and give my humble thanks to the universe and it's loveliness.

4. I sometimes think I am cleverer than I actually am, which can get me into trouble, my father is the same.

5. Cried at the show 'Wicked' based on the Wizard of OZ surrounded by 9 year old girls who were....not crying.......

6. Nearly died once and had visions of being on a mountain looking out over fields from a log cabin on a clear summers day!

7. Think I think too much

8. I once met Rick Astley

Thanks DG, am sending you lots of 8 stuff through the ether x

160 bpm

Firstly FANTASTIC NEWS RAE www.brokeneggs.wordpress.com

I am so excited for all those embarking on the egg donation IVF and for Rae and her results.

I remember all the feelings so well that are being experienced by so many at the moment and it is great to relive them by reading everyones blogs. I really hope everything goes well for everyone I keep everything firmly crossed.

H X

160 BPM - Diary entry
This morning I attached myself to the doppler as I have done on many occasions since buying it when I was about 10 weeks, off ebay. I have never really heard anything apart from my gurgling digestion and some whooshing noises.

Am now stupidly, seriously running low on the ultrasound jelly.

At the first attempt there it was galloping along at 160 bpm it was there for ages fluctuating between 160 and 156 then 165, then for a while stayed at 162. Finally I had got in touch with bean via doppler so I lay and listened to it for a while just enjoying our time together. Well done bean, well done uterus.

Not at work again today. Will face the music on Monday now.

Life is just too short!

At one, at 14 weeks

Attached to my bed, or rather house today, I have a throat thing and am off sick, lost my voice. Is possibly the busiest day at work today and I did debate to go in just for the morning but thought, well, 'I am pregnant' and lifted the duvet back over my head.

Which is something I use quite alot now as G will tell you!

I am becoming a 'Diva' in a bid to just be with my (slowly forming bump now slightly resembling my blog picture)

Everyone knows, about my pregnancy, there has been no friend left untold, lets hope that does not jinx us.

G is off for a stag do this weekend so there is going to be oodles of 'me' time, I stupidly bought a doppler and no doubt will be attaching myself to it at some point, apparently now is when I may pick up the sound of beans heart. Yesterday I am sure I felt a flutter at work while I was bent over, took me by surprise, tried to feel it again by shifting about like a mad person trying to get in the same position. Was gone as soon as it came.

Am now off to have a drink and bath and meditate with my CD.

kicking back at 13 weeks and 1 whole day!

I left work driving with a niggling worry about the scan fearing that there will be something to burst the pregnancy bubble.

I arrived clutching my little history bundle under my arm, relieved to of recieved a full medical report from GOSH, explaining to whoever read it, in no uncertain terms, that I should be handled with kid gloves as bits of me may stop working or drop off, or out.

(possible later cardiac problems and kidney stuff), oh I am just a bundle of previous health disasters and no doubt the OBs placed his head in his hands and grabbed the nearest pen with the most ink after reading my little back catalogue.

Anyway, we saw bean, lying there with legs crossed in full relaxation mode looking very at home almost expected to see him/her with headphones on tapping a toe to Mika or something I am sure I saw a little wave.

So the old uterus is keeping a cosy hotel going, the pillows are plumped and the hot tubs free ( even saw bean drinking some of the fluid, little open and close of mouth, amazing).

So far so good, the obs said I am to be scanned every month, which is reassuring, apparently when I get to 28 weeks I need to have the old ticker looked at (maybe I could get signed off of work so I can just be with my bump at home)!

Regardless of future things, Obs said that at this point with the scan results etc there is for most, a 90% success, but obviously for me will be slightly less.


But G and I have allowed for some optimism to creep in.

Have begun discussing whose surname bean would have now, sort of thinking after heavy debate we should of had this conversation a while ago!

Fingers continually crossed.