Well my little P is now one whole year old !!!! It has been a magical year and I love her more than ever.

I am enjoying every minute of being a mum. I do still think about the donation but it doesn't hurt or anything as she is my girl and she loves me as much as I love her, she holds out her arms to me when she is in pain with her teeth, she craves me as I crave her. In some ways I do think it would be nice to meet the donor to thank her but in other ways it doesn't really matter, she sort of glows in my mind like a little spirit that helped us to have our P.

She is showing the signs of the beginning of her first steps and I watch her smiling as she grows and develops into her own personality staggering on her little feet that I want to kiss every second.

I never knew I could love anybody this much, next year we shall begin plans for little miracle number two if we are lucky enough.

This time last year............

It is the 11th Feb, this time last year I was popping oestrogen and praying that a bleed would come to an end as I awaited the journey that lay out ahead of me, like a carpet of sunrise on a new day preping my uterus like an olympic athlete, giving it pep talks and praying that it would win the race in becoming a parent against all the post childhood cancer odds.

Tickets in hand waiting to get our flight to Spain.

Little did I know how wonderful the ending to that day would be.

As baby P sits in her bouncer exercising her lungs in preperation for her next feed. I cannot believe that my luck has been so great in this last year. I had no idea how cheesily glorious life could be (albeit a little hazy through sleep deprivation).

The only blip that is on my current horizon.....a raised white cell count,so I am being investigated and re tested, probably nothing but something that brings back bad memories, but also enhances the joy I feel about being alive and having the baby I have always wanted and how I am thankful for every moment with her.

Special Delivery 39+5

Our baby P was born 7.11.07 after a pretty text book labour on gas and air. Unfortunately while in the pool my temperature went up and I had no urge to push while fully dilated, I pushed regardless willing baby out into the world but it just wasn't happening, so the midwife put me on syntocin to encourage stronger contractions but in the end it was decided to go for an emergency c section as she was getting distressed I was losing blood and she was back to back, and then in the ealry hours of the morning our little P was born, her big eyes stared up at me as I lay in theatre, she stared at me wrapped in a towel clutched in my shaking arms I stared at her I look back at this moment as the most amazing of my life. G and P were whisked off to have skin to skin as I got stitched back up. I was then wheeled back for my time with P, straight to the breast our daughter suckled and so she has remained since.

She is undoubtedly our daughter and the strange thing is all the nurses said how she looked like me and she even has a birthmark in exactly the same place as I do. I love her with all of my heart, and I love G more than ever for his support during a long labour. All of this amazing journey has been worth every magical moment. I still hold part of me that casts my mind to the genetics, I do however have the deepest gratitude and overwhelming feeling of sisterhood for the woman who donated her eggs to us so that baby P can be with us today. Everything feels so right and hotel uterus deserves a medal, I am alomst ashamed of my doubts that it would come shining through bringing our baby into the world, it is hard to describe the amazing love feeling that has engulfed me like a tidal wave, a love I have never felt before and can only put it down to that of a mother for her child.


Our beautiful P.

The next chapter to having baby P continues in a seperate blog 'Viva la Madre' Life after having an ED child.

www.beinganedmother.blogspot.com

Ultra snuggly! 39 weeks

She is still hanging in there, obviously too snuggly in hotel uterus. I really want to get things moving now. I have enjoyed every moment of this magical pregnancy and I am sure I will miss it when she is finally here and I am bleary eyed and hormonal, but I want to go for it now. I hope I don't run over due.

Knowing my luck could be the case, having said that my mother had me on the dot so maybe I will be the same, all the naughty business and hot thai curries won't shift her if she doesn't want to come out, she is one comfy baby.

I have been thinking alot about what she is going to look like, I even crazily googled 'Spanish Donors' in the google image search, why? What did I think I would find, a complete write up of the donors family history and a big picture of her! Weirdly enough there was a link to my blog, perhaps some kind of divine message.

I pawed over the email sent to me from spain when they found me the donor, brown eyes, straight medium/light brown hair, fair/medium complexion, likes theatre, art and food. The theatre, the art and food appealed to me as I enjoy these things ( I realise it all runs alot deeper than this in many ways, nature nurture etc), but that is all I have, it's not that I am cut up about it, but I guess the reality is always there, that we will never know, but I know for us that is the best way ultimately. There is an empty space at the front of the baby's journal I have been keeping, the bit where it is the babies family tree, I have been very honest in the journal, and have included pictures of where we stayed in spain, the hospital and everything, but the family tree makes me feel alittle bit sad, and I did allow myself a little cry the other day, my mother and father are both keen on family history and have delved into the depths of their pasts with great vigour and enjoyment, visited landmarks of ancestors and relatives from yesteryear.

The joy of having our baby vastly outweighs the sadness and I will honestly fill in the family tree with facts, but I do wish they could completely be part of my gene pool so that I can share the past as my mother does with me. We will visit Spain though and will visit my family's history regardless, she feels like she is part of me and my love will be the same, but I feel sad for her in away too, I hope she will be happy about how she came to be. That is all I want for her future really.

final countdown - 38th week.

The time has almost come, and I can't stop spending, my credit card is going to burst into flames at any moment.

The babies room has become mummies den, poor g is just expected to bang nails in and do heavy work as and when required while I totter about the internet spending money on 'finishing touches', money I haven't got!

The baby has been moving alot in the evening and have had quite a few braxton hicks, it is so surreal to think we are so close to holding our little one in our arms (fingers crossed).

All in all this ED pregnancy has been fantastic apart from the blips in the first 4 months. I feel so humble to of been given this opportunity to be a mum. Next hurdle will be explaining to our child the whole story, but when they are ready, this blog may help, along with child friendly books early on.

I do have fear like a dull flicker in the back of a corner in the tiniest bit of my little mind. Hoping that baby and I will come through the birth alright, I am sure it is natural to have such fears, but it's the old cliche of worrying about my past and how it effected my body, will my rickety old frame stand up to it, will my sensitive bits bleed abit too much. Will baby get distressed.

For now I just want to be serene and hope that I get my floaty birth in water with no probs, although I am sure things will not go as planned as they rarely do with birth, so I am told, but I am finally beginning to feel ready, there is a big space for our baby waiting like another uterus outside, cosy, soft lights, and loads of comfy things for mummy and daddy to sit and be with her, to sleep with her and to love her so very much.

She will have a spanish middle name and there will be lots of spanish to learn about and to enjoy, the buggy is even spanish! We won't forget where and how our baby was given to us, but she will be our baby and we can't wait to see her.

The amazing disappearing person.

Finished work yesterday, what a weird day that was, I just feel totally like I am living in like a tube stop between independent life and motherhood, I am sitting twiddling my thumbs watching these people I spent every working day with drift off down a tunnel merrily chatting and getting on with life, and here I am kicking my heels, sitting on a scummy metal tube stop bench, wondering what on earth the world has in store for me next. (the house is a tip at the moment)

So today I went to my NCT class, an all day intensive, having been to the last two with my other half this one was a chance for the 'ladies' to have a chat over lunch. Everyone has always said how wonderful the NCT are and they truly are, I am just not very good at selling myself to people and making new friends and so it is a real tester for me to be thrown together with ladies all in a similar situation to me (apart from the egg donation, how I wish there was an NCT class for egg donation recipients). So everyone gets on and chats about the emails that have been forwarded I haven't received one email yet and obviously there is a technical error but my natural insecurity and hormones convince me that noone is interested in being my NCT buddy. I feel so low today and felt I was on a seperate planet to everybody else, I am sure it is the change in lifestyle, my work consumed my every breath and here I am at this tube stop with all these people, who are setting up coffee mornings and yoga sessions together, making homemade tartlet things with Basil and Sundried tomatoe and here am a buy one get one free taste the difference quiche (beacuse quite frankly I couldn't be arsed to faff around with culinary stuff) which never got touched apart from the NCT teacher who took a slice out of sympathy for me. Boooo Hoooo I am low today. Felt like everything I contributed was negative or boring or selfish and so decided to keep quiet, letting everyone talk around me. birth pools, perineums, doulas. I just have no confidence at the moment, control seems to be out of reach as things are moving on but my head is still somewhere else.

Anyway we are meeting up, week after next I am sure I will feel better next time, it is just the finishing work thing, I emailed everyone (NCT) to tell them my email address and to apologise for not responding to anything as I hadn't received it. Felt better and more grown up after doing that. Is it because I am different to everyone that I feel this way? Is it because they are all quite well healed with giant conservatories and aga's to make basil and sundried tomatoe tarts, or is it because my baby wasn't born from my egg, that I am a fake NCT member. I am sure it is just my hormones. (Randomly and talking of hormones breast feeding hormones are different to oestrogen and progesteron hence me being able to breast feed when the babies born, could be the oxytocin that is realeased but can't remember.....what a surprise) DG kindly reminded me it is prolactin that triggers the milk supply here is a link www.kellymom.com/bf/supply/milkproduction.html for those of you who like me are devoid of oestrogen and progesterone and worry about breast feeding.

Today I just blend into the wallpaper and disappear. Just me and the baby bump away from the maddening crowds, problem is, without the maddening crowds I will go mad.

Engaged for lift off at 32 weeks

Had my 32 week scan and A/C appt today, finally saw the doctor that I am under and she didn't feel concerned about anything. Scan was all good and baby growing well all doing well. I am slightly aneamic so prescribed iron, forgot to mention that I am already taking pregnancy vitamins so will check to see if it is ok to take with it if not I will just take the iron and folic acid.

Apparently the head is engaged, she didn't seem worried and said that it doesn't mean anything is underway. I did wake with reptitive abdominal pain the other night, which I mentioned and she told me to call if the pain came back and was more consistent. Am excited although concerned if it does mean things are underway as I am still only 32 weeks and GOSH did say I was at risk of pre term labour, but I wasn't going to bring that up with the doctor, she had read my notes anyway. She even suggested that perhaps I didn't need to see them again. I did say I had one more scan and appt at 36weeks and she said that was fine.

Better order that travel system then just in case!