Grateful

The world can be so cruel to so many.

Reading blogs of miscarriages and hoplesness I feel sad for those who are going through that and am angry for myself for getting so aggreivated over such meaningless things like my work, getting caught up in the small stuff and letting the bigger picture get blurry through the lack of focus on what is important.

I have been so caught up in the politics of work and the silliness of it all that I forget to be thankful for what has happened to me, I should be smiling every minute of the day letting the absurdity of work wash over me like a dredge of dirty water, avoiding contact and allowing myself to bask in the sunshine of the pregnancy I have wanted for so long.

I love my little 4.5 inch being already, and I need to keep acknowledging the thanks and love I feel. Perhaps I think it is too good to be true and something will happen that will change it all and then it will be too late. My mind still wonders everytime I go to the loo 'is it going to happen....am I going to see that red on the tissue'.

I have a lump on my wrist that I can't move, on the bone, I instantly think, 'thats it I have bone cancer.....' it has happened since I have been pregnant, so I think it's because of all those hormones that I took or something equally as crazy.

I need to remember I am lucky, I am so so lucky, and while I feel a little sad about the lack of true genetic siblings for the little one, I am lucky to of got this far, I am going to give them everything I have got and more.