Mi Historia

2008-12-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

Well my little P is now one whole year old !!!! It has been a magical year and I love her more than ever.

I am enjoying every minute of being a mum. I do still think about the donation but it doesn't hurt or anything as she is my girl and she loves me as much as I love her, she holds out her arms to me when she is in pain with her teeth, she craves me as I crave her. In some ways I do think it would be nice to meet the donor to thank her but in other ways it doesn't really matter, she sort of glows in my mind like a little spirit that helped us to have our P.

She is showing the signs of the beginning of her first steps and I watch her smiling as she grows and develops into her own personality staggering on her little feet that I want to kiss every second.

I never knew I could love anybody this much, next year we shall begin plans for little miracle number two if we are lucky enough.

This time last year............

2008-02-11T09:05:00.000-08:00

It is the 11th Feb, this time last year I was popping oestrogen and praying that a bleed would come to an end as I awaited the journey that lay out ahead of me, like a carpet of sunrise on a new day preping my uterus like an olympic athlete, giving it pep talks and praying that it would win the race in becoming a parent against all the post childhood cancer odds.

Tickets in hand waiting to get our flight to Spain.

Little did I know how wonderful the ending to that day would be.

As baby P sits in her bouncer exercising her lungs in preperation for her next feed. I cannot believe that my luck has been so great in this last year. I had no idea how cheesily glorious life could be (albeit a little hazy through sleep deprivation).

The only blip that is on my current horizon.....a raised white cell count,so I am being investigated and re tested, probably nothing but something that brings back bad memories, but also enhances the joy I feel about being alive and having the baby I have always wanted and how I am thankful for every moment with her.

Special Delivery 39+5

2007-11-16T10:48:00.000-08:00

Our baby P was born 7.11.07 after a pretty text book labour on gas and air. Unfortunately while in the pool my temperature went up and I had no urge to push while fully dilated, I pushed regardless willing baby out into the world but it just wasn't happening, so the midwife put me on syntocin to encourage stronger contractions but in the end it was decided to go for an emergency c section as she was getting distressed I was losing blood and she was back to back, and then in the ealry hours of the morning our little P was born, her big eyes stared up at me as I lay in theatre, she stared at me wrapped in a towel clutched in my shaking arms I stared at her I look back at this moment as the most amazing of my life. G and P were whisked off to have skin to skin as I got stitched back up. I was then wheeled back for my time with P, straight to the breast our daughter suckled and so she has remained since.

She is undoubtedly our daughter and the strange thing is all the nurses said how she looked like me and she even has a birthmark in exactly the same place as I do. I love her with all of my heart, and I love G more than ever for his support during a long labour. All of this amazing journey has been worth every magical moment. I still hold part of me that casts my mind to the genetics, I do however have the deepest gratitude and overwhelming feeling of sisterhood for the woman who donated her eggs to us so that baby P can be with us today. Everything feels so right and hotel uterus deserves a medal, I am alomst ashamed of my doubts that it would come shining through bringing our baby into the world, it is hard to describe the amazing love feeling that has engulfed me like a tidal wave, a love I have never felt before and can only put it down to that of a mother for her child.

Our beautiful P.

The next chapter to having baby P continues in a seperate blog 'Viva la Madre' Life after having an ED child.

www.beinganedmother.blogspot.com

Ultra snuggly! 39 weeks

2007-11-03T09:13:00.000-07:00

She is still hanging in there, obviously too snuggly in hotel uterus. I really want to get things moving now. I have enjoyed every moment of this magical pregnancy and I am sure I will miss it when she is finally here and I am bleary eyed and hormonal, but I want to go for it now. I hope I don't run over due.

Knowing my luck could be the case, having said that my mother had me on the dot so maybe I will be the same, all the naughty business and hot thai curries won't shift her if she doesn't want to come out, she is one comfy baby.

I have been thinking alot about what she is going to look like, I even crazily googled 'Spanish Donors' in the google image search, why? What did I think I would find, a complete write up of the donors family history and a big picture of her! Weirdly enough there was a link to my blog, perhaps some kind of divine message.

I pawed over the email sent to me from spain when they found me the donor, brown eyes, straight medium/light brown hair, fair/medium complexion, likes theatre, art and food. The theatre, the art and food appealed to me as I enjoy these things ( I realise it all runs alot deeper than this in many ways, nature nurture etc), but that is all I have, it's not that I am cut up about it, but I guess the reality is always there, that we will never know, but I know for us that is the best way ultimately. There is an empty space at the front of the baby's journal I have been keeping, the bit where it is the babies family tree, I have been very honest in the journal, and have included pictures of where we stayed in spain, the hospital and everything, but the family tree makes me feel alittle bit sad, and I did allow myself a little cry the other day, my mother and father are both keen on family history and have delved into the depths of their pasts with great vigour and enjoyment, visited landmarks of ancestors and relatives from yesteryear.

The joy of having our baby vastly outweighs the sadness and I will honestly fill in the family tree with facts, but I do wish they could completely be part of my gene pool so that I can share the past as my mother does with me. We will visit Spain though and will visit my family's history regardless, she feels like she is part of me and my love will be the same, but I feel sad for her in away too, I hope she will be happy about how she came to be. That is all I want for her future really.

final countdown - 38th week.

2007-10-23T07:23:00.000-07:00

The time has almost come, and I can't stop spending, my credit card is going to burst into flames at any moment.

The babies room has become mummies den, poor g is just expected to bang nails in and do heavy work as and when required while I totter about the internet spending money on 'finishing touches', money I haven't got!

The baby has been moving alot in the evening and have had quite a few braxton hicks, it is so surreal to think we are so close to holding our little one in our arms (fingers crossed).

All in all this ED pregnancy has been fantastic apart from the blips in the first 4 months. I feel so humble to of been given this opportunity to be a mum. Next hurdle will be explaining to our child the whole story, but when they are ready, this blog may help, along with child friendly books early on.

I do have fear like a dull flicker in the back of a corner in the tiniest bit of my little mind. Hoping that baby and I will come through the birth alright, I am sure it is natural to have such fears, but it's the old cliche of worrying about my past and how it effected my body, will my rickety old frame stand up to it, will my sensitive bits bleed abit too much. Will baby get distressed.

For now I just want to be serene and hope that I get my floaty birth in water with no probs, although I am sure things will not go as planned as they rarely do with birth, so I am told, but I am finally beginning to feel ready, there is a big space for our baby waiting like another uterus outside, cosy, soft lights, and loads of comfy things for mummy and daddy to sit and be with her, to sleep with her and to love her so very much.

She will have a spanish middle name and there will be lots of spanish to learn about and to enjoy, the buggy is even spanish! We won't forget where and how our baby was given to us, but she will be our baby and we can't wait to see her.

The amazing disappearing person.

2007-09-28T09:07:00.000-07:00

Finished work yesterday, what a weird day that was, I just feel totally like I am living in like a tube stop between independent life and motherhood, I am sitting twiddling my thumbs watching these people I spent every working day with drift off down a tunnel merrily chatting and getting on with life, and here I am kicking my heels, sitting on a scummy metal tube stop bench, wondering what on earth the world has in store for me next. (the house is a tip at the moment)

So today I went to my NCT class, an all day intensive, having been to the last two with my other half this one was a chance for the 'ladies' to have a chat over lunch. Everyone has always said how wonderful the NCT are and they truly are, I am just not very good at selling myself to people and making new friends and so it is a real tester for me to be thrown together with ladies all in a similar situation to me (apart from the egg donation, how I wish there was an NCT class for egg donation recipients). So everyone gets on and chats about the emails that have been forwarded I haven't received one email yet and obviously there is a technical error but my natural insecurity and hormones convince me that noone is interested in being my NCT buddy. I feel so low today and felt I was on a seperate planet to everybody else, I am sure it is the change in lifestyle, my work consumed my every breath and here I am at this tube stop with all these people, who are setting up coffee mornings and yoga sessions together, making homemade tartlet things with Basil and Sundried tomatoe and here am a buy one get one free taste the difference quiche (beacuse quite frankly I couldn't be arsed to faff around with culinary stuff) which never got touched apart from the NCT teacher who took a slice out of sympathy for me. Boooo Hoooo I am low today. Felt like everything I contributed was negative or boring or selfish and so decided to keep quiet, letting everyone talk around me. birth pools, perineums, doulas. I just have no confidence at the moment, control seems to be out of reach as things are moving on but my head is still somewhere else.

Anyway we are meeting up, week after next I am sure I will feel better next time, it is just the finishing work thing, I emailed everyone (NCT) to tell them my email address and to apologise for not responding to anything as I hadn't received it. Felt better and more grown up after doing that. Is it because I am different to everyone that I feel this way? Is it because they are all quite well healed with giant conservatories and aga's to make basil and sundried tomatoe tarts, or is it because my baby wasn't born from my egg, that I am a fake NCT member. I am sure it is just my hormones. (Randomly and talking of hormones breast feeding hormones are different to oestrogen and progesteron hence me being able to breast feed when the babies born, could be the oxytocin that is realeased but can't remember.....what a surprise) DG kindly reminded me it is prolactin that triggers the milk supply here is a link www.kellymom.com/bf/supply/milkproduction.html for those of you who like me are devoid of oestrogen and progesterone and worry about breast feeding.

Today I just blend into the wallpaper and disappear. Just me and the baby bump away from the maddening crowds, problem is, without the maddening crowds I will go mad.

Engaged for lift off at 32 weeks

2007-09-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

Had my 32 week scan and A/C appt today, finally saw the doctor that I am under and she didn't feel concerned about anything. Scan was all good and baby growing well all doing well. I am slightly aneamic so prescribed iron, forgot to mention that I am already taking pregnancy vitamins so will check to see if it is ok to take with it if not I will just take the iron and folic acid.

Apparently the head is engaged, she didn't seem worried and said that it doesn't mean anything is underway. I did wake with reptitive abdominal pain the other night, which I mentioned and she told me to call if the pain came back and was more consistent. Am excited although concerned if it does mean things are underway as I am still only 32 weeks and GOSH did say I was at risk of pre term labour, but I wasn't going to bring that up with the doctor, she had read my notes anyway. She even suggested that perhaps I didn't need to see them again. I did say I had one more scan and appt at 36weeks and she said that was fine.

Better order that travel system then just in case!

The breast I can do apparently. 29 weeks.

2007-08-26T08:34:00.000-07:00

So the UCLH replied to my letter asking about breast feeding after the pregnancy. I thought perhaps that once the pregnancy was over and the baby was born my hormones would go back to nothing and I may not be able to breast feed and the baby blues would be a tidal wave of despair.

Apparently according to the consultant I liase with, she advised that perhaps after 6 weeks once breast feeding has been established that I could have a hormone patch for HRT and that I could arrange an appointment for this if I wanted, which was very re assuring. Apparently cancer survivors/menopausal women who have had egg donation IVF still can breast feed. Although she did say that it is not particularly easy the first time round for anyone! At least I could give it a shot though.

Totally irrelevant but baby has been quite quiet today, thank goodness for my doppler, could reccomend to anyone who may feel that they might worry through a pregnancy to get one off ebay!

May drink some coffee later and some ice cream apparently that can get baby shifting about.

Is it me?

2007-08-24T07:06:00.000-07:00

Just got a phone call from my midwife asking me how my hospital appointment went and whether I had an appointment to see her. (the surgery had lost my appointment I made for the 30th Aug).

The appointment sorted she went on to ask me if the hospital had discussed the birth with me.

'Er no'

'Oh this is ridiculous, they should of discussed this with you at 28 weeks' she said

'Well I have to say I did have a bit of a moan at them about the way things are being done, or not being done and he just said that 'everyone does things differently''

'Who did you see?'

'Sorry can't remember his name, it's a different person everytime I go there'

'Did they take your 28 week bloods?'

'No, they gave me a form to take to you to do at our next appointment'

'When your 30 weeks?'

'Yes, he said 28 weeks, 30 weeks it doesn't matter'

'They should of done it at the clinic, this is crazy'

I must admit I looked at my maternity notes and noticed I should have had discussions with my midwife regarding breast feeding at 28 weeks and discussions of the birth and alsorts, I should of filled in a form saying what meds I want at the birth etc etc.

So it actually appears I am not even getting the care a normal run of the mill pregnancy gets.

'Did they take your 24hr urine collection'

'Yes but the doctor said I didn't need to do that anymore unless my U and E's are high'

'So who implemented the 24 hr urine collecton?'

'The consultant I should of seen from the beginning who was going on GOSH's concerns over my renal impairment'

'Oh right well she is on leave until next week hopefully you will see her next time'

In the front of my maternity notes there is a note from the NHS stipulating the quality their maternity services offer, one of which is 'consistency of care'.

I just keep asking myself if it is me? Am I the one who is not doing what they should be doing, I begin to get paranoid that I am becoming a paranoid moaning pain in the backside for the people who do such good work, but it appears the midwife is now getting concerned at what should be happening, which sort of re assures me that a) she is on the case and b)I am not a paranoid hyper condriact.

The midwife seemed very apologetic and I feel re assured that she is on the case at least, none the less, it does rock my otherwise calm steady boat that was just sailing out of the dock of NHS despair into NHS appreciation.

Lets just hope my boat doesn't sink!

Nice Hospital Staff - 28 weeks (+3 days)

2007-08-19T10:18:00.000-07:00

Well it is definately there and growing and looking like a baby bump as oppose to looking like I have just consumed my body weight in pies, although my body weight in drumsticks and refreshers could be consumed without any problem at the moment but my teeth are suffering ( not to mention the e numbers for the baby) and I have to try and restrain myself and draw a line to the 'going with what my body cries out for' excuse.

Went for 28 week scan on Friday, everything fine, enough fluid, heart pumping away everything where it should be, baby definately not conforming, back to us, legs crossed in typical fetal position and feet hiding the crucial piece of evidence, they are trying to tell us something and so is everyone we talk to when we say we want to know the sex, 'Well we just wanted a healthy baby, that didn't matter to us'

(let me just go into a corner and hide my head in shame how dare I be so callous, of course the babies health matters more than anything else in the world and we really don't care whether it is a boy or a girl, but we would like to know if possible......she says coyly feeling immense guilt and beating herself several times on the back with a rolled up copy of mother and baby, 'bad mummy, bad mummy')

Perhaps the baby has tuned into my credit card frequency(?) and has sensed my desire to use it in Monsoon in the sale for the little dresses teasingly hanging in all of their netted pretty glory ( yes from 0 - 3 months!) begging me to buy them and has decided, for my own good, that knowing their sex would open up a whole pandoras box of spending one way or the other. Once baby comes I will be too knackered and will not care what the cuteness factor of the clothes are and whether it was bought by mummy or not (although I am buying the first cuddly toy come hell or high water, just won't be the pretty rag dolls I have seen I guess) (but how sexist....more guilt) so baby is wise and knows it's mummy too well already.

At the antenatal clinic appointment I saw another doctor I had never seen before and who hadn't read my notes and when he asked me whether I had any questions I got everything off my chest, my concerns at not seeing the person I am under since being pregnant (he told me she was on leave, but I heard her talking to another couple in the lobby), having to explain to everyone that I do see, why I am having certain checks etc etc, felt better afterwards but also felt like I have to let go, leeeeeeeeeeet go.

They after all are ALL professionals, probably dealing with real problem pregnancies, looking after people who haven't had it easy, who are in real danger. i have to dismount the soap box and trust in the NHS, and trust that my body can do this, that if it's going to be natural then they must think my body can cope with it, I have got to stop living my pregnancy through my past medical history, stop harping back to concerns GOSH made years ago, things have changed and they are checking me, that is the main thing they are monitoring me, I have to be nice and appreciate all that is being done and not give them a hard time, their jobs are demanding enough without me rattling off my paranoia.

There is also a consideration that there is an element of guilt that I had egg donation IVF and perhaps they look upon this as taking the place of a 'normal' pregnancy, eating up funds that someone else could use, I am sure this is not the case but it is there in the depths of the back of my mind, but I guess if they don't read my notes then perhaps they may not even pick up on this.

Anyway, so far all has been fine, kidneys, ticker (paranoia - not quite so good). So I have a new resolve, let the poor bastards just get on with their job, lets face it, they do a great one really given what they have to put up with.

A leap of faith into the hands of those who mean to do well. I shall just continue doing my bit, eating healthy (ok maybe the refreshers aren't included in that bit) doing exercise, drinking water (when I remember) and trying not to freak out about my body and it's ability to give birth naturally.

Breathe in Love for the NHS breathe out a desire to refer them to my exhaustive notes everytime I see them.

x

(I am nice and do think happy thoughts)!

On the red stuff

2007-07-27T11:24:00.000-07:00

So I have a kidney infection.

Hopefully my, not so efficient kidneys, will get rid of it but unfortunately I have been put on antibiotics.

Am exceedingly worried about the state of the NHS though, I know my mind should be on my haggered old kidneys but the consultant I saw right at the beginning of my pregnancy said I should, as requested by GOSH, have a cardiogram at 28 weeks, I have not had anything from a hospital to say that this referral has been made, on top of that my notes haven't been filled in proparly and the wrong patient number has been put on everything, so I had to phone the local hospital to find out what has happened to my 28 week cardio check today.

'oh where were you having that?'

'I don't know! Surely that is what I should be told by you'

'Oh well, I shall have to look into it, we have two midwives off with personal problems at the moment and noone seems to know what is going on'.

'Well I realise it must be tricky, but I am always having to sort this stuff out myself and end up chasing you, surely these referrals should be made automatically after the decision to make a referral has been made'

'So why do you need a echocardiogram?'

And so the sorry story is retold again, my history, my radioactive bits, the risks...........all of it, all over again.

She assures me she will follow it up, I ask to see the person I should of seen at the beginning of my pregnancy at the next appointment I have on 17th August, the person I saw before struggled with English (not that thats a big deal) but wasn't sure on what he was doing and kept having to to leave the room to check with the person that I should of seen who was obviously busy with someone else.

It is very worrying I do hope the birth is going to be alright, having watched the 'Desptaches' program on telly 'Undercover mother' showing the understaffing and lack of funds in the maternity sector, 2 midwives between 18 females on a maternity ward or something and one woman being left to give birth on her own, while the midwife raced around all the other patients, she intermittently checked on the woman but failed to notice the baby was breech because she was so busy, the baby died. That was just one example.......bloody hell.

I know I am scaring myself, and these programs are always dramatised, I am sure the local hospital is fine and all these hiccups will now be resolved, infact the appt came through today after my phone call and a few phone calls while we were on holiday, I have a cardio booked for the 13th August, and my midwife is seeing me every 3 weeks now, sometimes less.

I have developed terrible chest pains since we came back from Wales, got it checked out and apparently it's muscular, they checked all my vitals and things are fine I just have to sit it out, just a normal pregnancy pain thing I think, having never really had indigestion I thought it might be that but apparently not, bloody painful though whatever it is, maybe the babies on a nerve or something. Anyway, feel like such a princess worry pants, wish I wasn't.

Midwife appointment tomorrow to see if the infections gone and to ease my paranoid mind.

Yes sir thats my baby

2007-07-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

I took a good friend out for lunch yesterday, or rather attempted to. She ended up paying as the place we went to didn't take cards and my uslessness had prevented me from being organised and getting cash.

She had just split up with her live in boyfriend and we were catching up on everything. She is fine, woman power, she has in abundance.
On the way home she asked me in the car.
'So will your baby have spanish blood?'
I paused for a moment to think the romantiscism of having an anonymous spanish donor wasn't enough, for the first time, I felt a little uncomfortable.
'Yes, I suppose it will, it is sad to think that it won't have my genes, but yes it will, and I will celebrate the childs origins as it gets older, will teach it Spanish from age 4, play spanish music, spanish childrens songs....'
Suddenly I felt sad, almost as if my baby belonged to someone else, I had never felt that before it was confusing, I was almost cross with my friend for bringing this up. I felt that this was all private between us as a family.

My friend had been discussing this with a mutual friend of ours, she started saying how children should be told the truth from the start, and that if my baby wanted to find the spanish genetic connection she would regardless of anonymity. This also made me feel sad, the baby wasn't even born yet and already I was worrying about her/him going off and bumping into their genetic link building a relationship and not thinking of me as their mother anymore. How crazy.

The conversation got on to the lack of open mindedness of egg donation in the UK, the concerns over treatment and the way it is done here and culminated in me saying how I think everyday how lucky I am to have this baby growing inside of me. The other way I look at it is that part of me has almost become part of the baby, that we are intertwined, no matter what people say I know they will be mine, our baby that we are having together, but now I feel frustrated that i didn't say to my friend that my blood has sustained this baby throughout the pregnancy and that they have part of me.

I have decided to let the friends discuss it amongst themselves if they want to I know what I believe and I know how I want to bring my child up and what exposure they will have to their origins, the 'hen' book will be brought and the conversation will happen. It did hurt though, my friend bringing it all up, I guess I will never be able to forget the true roots of how all this occured, but it will be celebrated no matter how sad it feels sometimes.

La Femme Possible

2007-07-03T14:03:00.000-07:00

Heart has four chambers and all looks peachy,

and if it is a she, she is a little minx who doesn't conform for nobody. (Bit like her mother). Firstly she lay on her arm so we couldn't see that, I had to jiggle around the waiting room like some kind of tribal ritual, shimmying as if my life depended on it, G sat down and grabbed at 'Heat' even though he wasn't reading it ( I am sure it was upside down), pretending he had no idea who this weird woman was that was following him around shaking her stuff in a strange sort of mating strutt.

We go back for a second shot, ok, arm has surfaced and so has hand, fingers and everything, spine looking good, brain looking good everything doing as it should. (Apart from the placenta which is looking slightly low but another scan in a month, the big 28 week scan where they will be able to tell whether I am going to be ok birth wise and heart wise and all that palava)

So now the finale, little princess or little prince........

Legs, teasingly not quite far enough apart to allow the scanning lady full confidence in making a sex announcement, although

'I can't see anything so it is likely that, hmm I can't see anything'

I looked

I am sure I saw some girlie bits 'It does look very much like a........'

'Hmm yes I wouldn't like to say 100% but yes it does look that way'

So without saying very much at all our little baby could well be a little girly, which we are obviously very happy with, well we would be happy either way, we are so extreeeeeeemly lucky to be where we are staring at a shadowy figure on a black screen outlining the shape of our little one, slowly getting fatter, looking more and more like a baby, when the scanner first made contact with the freezing jelly the first we saw was the mouth opening up for a gigantic yawn.Well Hotel Uterus never boasted a vast array of entertainment, but so far, I guess it is cosy enough to keep you from walking out in disgust.

Thats my girl.

20 weeks today !

2007-06-21T10:26:00.000-07:00

To Summer
O thou who passest thro' our valleys in Thy strength, curb thy fierce steeds, allay the heat That flames from their large nostrils! thou, O Summer,Oft pitched'st here thy goldent tent, and oft Beneath our oaks hast slept, while we beheld With joy thy ruddy limbs and flourishing hair.
Beneath our thickest shades we oft have heard Thy voice, when noon upon his fervid car

Rode o'er the deep of heaven; beside our springs

Sit down, and in our mossy valleys, on some bank beside a river clear, throw thy Silk draperies off, and rush into the stream:Our valleys love the Summer in his pride.
Our bards are fam'd who strike the silver wire:Our youth are bolder than the southern swains:Our maidens fairer in the sprightly dance:We lack not songs, nor instruments of joy,Nor echoes sweet, nor waters clear as heaven,Nor laurel wreaths against the sultry heat.

by William Blake

The baby boogie 19wks

2007-06-16T06:40:00.000-07:00

Well it may not be as intense as the picture but the baby is certainly shifting around now, it is amazing how it is beginning to reinforce things for me, that perhaps I am having a baby after all!

As I approach my 20 week mark on Thursday, we find out (Tues 3rd July) (fingers crossed) whether I will be buying pink or blue stuff for the room, and more importantly whether the baby is alright in the cramped living quarters. I had my quad test results back and they were negative.

I just can't believe my luck. Am finally beginning to enjoy the prospect of being a mother as the reality draws nearer and nearer and I start to realise that my worrying may just be uneccesary, I yearn for the 25 week day that I can really punch the air with glee that should our baby come early at least they may have a chance to breathe outside of the little red world it has been nestling in.

I guess I will start doing antenatal classes and things, as well soon. Have also started to produce milk which is something I just never thought my little tiny bee stings would ever do, neither did G.

I have begun to look for things to buy and will compile a list to spread costs. Shopping. My favourite past time and now I am shopping for two!

Is there womb to move?

2007-06-09T07:33:00.000-07:00

So a friends wedding yesterday and instead of feeling full of pregnancy vibes I was wishing everyone would stop talking about it, I knew everyone meant well but that is all they would talk about with me. I started to feel like abit of a side show.

'Roll up roll up look how the skinny lady who couldn't have children now parades a little bump of child, come see how ridiculously tiny it is, marvel at her future of medical check ups, come place your bets'

I am blessed to have such wonderfully caring friends but if I told one person I told a MILLION, 'Yes we had IVF, yes I have to have check ups, yes I am happy, yes I am very lucky, yes I am nervous, yes we had to have help'

I was even boring myself talking about it so why anyone else found it interesting. I took myself to the dance floor and went mad, bumping and grinding and leaping about like a mad person, poor baby, although my baby I am sure wouldn't mind me dancing about to a few well known cheesy numbers I expect they were swimming about having a great time.

A friend of mine noted how guilt was the running theme for her from pregnancy onwards, suddenly everything she did she felt guilty that she hadn't done it proparly and wasn't doing enough and all that stuff, I know what she means, I felt guilty for leaping around, guilty for not having any breakfast this morning and guilty for lifting things and these different forms of guilt happen on a daily basis, am I eating enough, putting on enough wieght, stretching enough, big enough, relaxed enough....... Probably more so that I have been longing for a baby for so long I should be dressing in cotton wool and getting in touch with my baby every second of the day.

Princess reigns again.....

2007-05-29T13:34:00.000-07:00

Feel a tad embarassed at being such a horrendous princess over my precious pregnancy.

Went to the doctors today to check the bleeding out.

She felt my abdomen and did a doppler and listened to me droning on about my history etc etc....( I am sure I caught her yawning) we both came to the conclusion a scan would at least tell us if the placenta was low lying which could cause a bleed.

Spain emailed me back Ruth said 'progesterone should most definately not be needed in this stage of pregnancy'

ooooooooops

So won't be doing that again (although did stop the bleed so perhaps in emergencies I would). (so only for the first 12 weeks should progesterone bullets be used to stop bleeding.)

Must make a conscious effort not to be a Princess and try and be as normal pregnancy as possible, try not to worry at every single sight of red (although is hard). My dodgy old uterus has done well so far, I just hope it can last the distance which is why I jump at every opportune moment, grabbing the phone like a pyscho, desperate to stop the possible radiation damage from shattering all my dreams. (Even though it saved my life, and I would not have dreams if I hadn't been nuked all those years ago).

Anyway throughout all of my panic Baby was chilling out and things were peachy in floaty baby world according to doppler.

Am booked in for scan tomorrow at 9 am anyway, I hope sound waves don't damage the baby, as the poor thing has been blasted with them on a regular basis recently due to their panic stricken mother.

Can't wait to have the little one out of there in some ways, I am sure hotel Uterus will prove me to be a paranoid wreck.

I hope so anyway.

Helping your self.

2007-05-28T08:51:00.000-07:00

The red did not re appear over night, but in the morning I went to the loo, pink.......wipe....pink.....wipe a sudden rush of red....I suddenly became overwhelmed with worry that something was definately wrong.

I had been going through my maternity records, half of which I had to fill in myself as the midwife had forgotten to fill them in and had put the wrong patient number on.

Anyway I knew what number to call when I needed to ask for help, as it was stuck on the front of the notes, labelled pregnancy queries.

I phoned the hospital.

'Yes maternity ward' Cripes I wasn't expecting an answer, it was the number for pregnancy queries.

I explained my concern and my history, she told me to phone the on call GP for a referral. my voice was wobbling, I was beginning to well up.

I phoned the GP and broke down, G had to take the phone from me and try and translate through my tears. A doctor would call me in 30 minutes.

I lay down and G went to make me some herbal tea. I got out the doppler, heart beat was fine, THANK GOD FOR DOPPLERS. I felt the biggest kick of all which made me jump too.

GP called
'So whats been happening with you then' he said as if talking to a small child.

I went through my history, the blood clot the blood today. The climax of the call resulted in me agreeing there was nothing they could do, if I am going to bleed I am going to bleed. I acknowledged that a scan wouldn't help although would enlighten perhaps the reason for the bleed.

In my head I was weighing up the reasons, and summised it could be a drop in hormones or something, I told the GP I still had some progesterone pessaries and was considering putting one in.

'Well I don't see how that could help' he said in a mumbled sort of I-don't-really-undertand- egg-donation-IVF-and-why-you-would-do-that kind of way.

The problem is with my situation is it is all so up in the air, there is no reason why egg donation can't be a normal pregnancy unless you have a radioactive uterus which you are not sure will stretch that far, radioactive heart and damaged kidneys and no naturally produced hormones.(although hopefully placenta is doing alright)

I thanked the GP for his time, he told me to call straight away if it got worse and so I knew it was down to me to look after myself and do what I felt would be the right thing to do to stop the bleeding, like a little mantra Ruths voice was in my head 'Just pop in a progesterone pessary and see if that helps' I asked G what he thought and he agreed we should do it. So I did.

Guilt ridden for going against the doctor we drove down to the coast to get a blast of sea air. I hoped the pessary would'nt overdose me with progesterone and upset the baby or something.

The bleeding stopped, perhaps it was a drop in progesterone, who knows, I shant do another one unless the bleed comes back, may email Spain if this is the case to see what Ruth thinks, sometimes I feel so lonely in the NHS like abit of a misfit where noone really knows how to help me when things like this happen. Ruth is great though and I know she won't mind me emailing her for advice, she has really been my sanctuary in times of need as well as Great Ormond Street. Having to go through your entire back catalogue of illness and possible problems everytime you phone for help is really hard sometimes, makes you feel like you are wasting peoples time and being a drama queen.

The only thing that worries me is I do have a slight back pain on my left side, I just hope maybe I am growing and that is what caused it, who knows, as long as the little one is alright that is all that matters.

My advice to those venturing on the ED IVF. When you order your prescripton for the cyclogest pessaries do it online for your surgery if you can and always order more than you need so you have a small stash when you finish your first trimester, for red blips.

I do hope this is a blip, I can't let this little one go.

H x

The dreaded red is back.

2007-05-27T12:55:00.000-07:00

Went to the loo and there it was the red I have been dreading to see, a tiny little, clot of red. No pain, although have had weird sudden little things going on today.

I am in a house full of friends we have had a lovely lazy day. crazy thoughts like I had a glass of wine with my lunch go through my mind, threading a wire of guilt. I know it is mad, I know and hope this is a blip, but equally my luck could run out. I am 16 weeks and I guess after disappearing upstairs to frantically look on the net for answers I see that perhaps it could be linked to the monthly cycle or something, or could be a clot behind the placenta. The other more sinister concern is the fact my uterus maybe stretching too much, perhaps it is going to snap like an elastic band, I just don't know.

Whatever it is I hope it is going to be ok, I have had visions of me waking in the night having to call an ambulance or something. I am being dramatic I am sure but shall get out all relevant numbers just in case.

The thought of a miscarriage happening now more than before is frightening, I am trying to stay calm, G is very laid back and says he is sure it is nothing to worry about, but I just think it could be the beginning of something..................my luck running out perhaps. Used the doppler and the babys heart is normal which is re assuring, just concerned by the clotty spotting.

Oh please please please let the red go away.

Full of organic goodness (hmmmmm) 16 wks.

2007-05-24T10:25:00.000-07:00

Anyone that knows me, knows that I love my healthy food and try to be as organic as possible.

Now I thought, with bumpette, I would be even more so.......eager for the healthy option.

Instead I find myself buying 'Vesta Paella'...... in bulk..... of course I work in a school and so I thought, treat the kids to a sweetie each for half term so bought bumper pack of hideously unhealthy lollipops, I nearly leant forward at the checkout to whisper to the man, 'It's not all for me you know'. Riddled with guilt, bought equally large pack of strawberries and a large 'Superfoods' smoothie for me after my processed paella consumption.......yes ironic it is paella.....indulged in delicious tapas the other day too....hmmmmmmm.

Mind you I think Bumpette likes red thai curry actually, I make a mean red thai curry, tastes just like the real thing, and I reeeeeeally fancied it last night, it was the most movement I have felt so far in one hit, squirming around doing a little dance, at least I hope it was a dance of pleasure and not a frantic 'bare foot on hot coals moment'.

Bless.

Grateful

2007-05-19T08:12:00.000-07:00

The world can be so cruel to so many.

Reading blogs of miscarriages and hoplesness I feel sad for those who are going through that and am angry for myself for getting so aggreivated over such meaningless things like my work, getting caught up in the small stuff and letting the bigger picture get blurry through the lack of focus on what is important.

I have been so caught up in the politics of work and the silliness of it all that I forget to be thankful for what has happened to me, I should be smiling every minute of the day letting the absurdity of work wash over me like a dredge of dirty water, avoiding contact and allowing myself to bask in the sunshine of the pregnancy I have wanted for so long.

I love my little 4.5 inch being already, and I need to keep acknowledging the thanks and love I feel. Perhaps I think it is too good to be true and something will happen that will change it all and then it will be too late. My mind still wonders everytime I go to the loo 'is it going to happen....am I going to see that red on the tissue'.

I have a lump on my wrist that I can't move, on the bone, I instantly think, 'thats it I have bone cancer.....' it has happened since I have been pregnant, so I think it's because of all those hormones that I took or something equally as crazy.

I need to remember I am lucky, I am so so lucky, and while I feel a little sad about the lack of true genetic siblings for the little one, I am lucky to of got this far, I am going to give them everything I have got and more.

8 Things about me -Been tagged by DG

2007-05-18T10:09:00.000-07:00

8 Things about me

1. 8 is my lucky number!

2. I travelled the world for a year and spent all the money I made when I sold my house at 21. Have never been able to save since, but have some wicked photo's of the world and a tattoo just above my bikini line which is a reminder of the wonderful times spent gallavanting, being free and getting up to mischief.

3. I have a penchant for all things unexplained and slightly out there....am a bit witchy. 8 embryos, mobile no. 8 from clinic, Had ET day after valentines day (nothing to do with 8 just romantic!), my birthday is on Beltane Eve (fertility festival for May Day)which happened to be when I reached the 12 week mark, am 20 weeks on the summer solstice, baby due few days after bonfire night. (I know abit lame but spooooooooky) Last year I spent the whole year being witchy and attending fertility festivals. Have stopped being witchy so openly now, for fear that people think I may have a screw loose, but I know what I believe and I definately think that nature is a powerful force and still light candles to celebrate the wheel of the year and give my humble thanks to the universe and it's loveliness.

4. I sometimes think I am cleverer than I actually am, which can get me into trouble, my father is the same.

5. Cried at the show 'Wicked' based on the Wizard of OZ surrounded by 9 year old girls who were....not crying.......

6. Nearly died once and had visions of being on a mountain looking out over fields from a log cabin on a clear summers day!

7. Think I think too much

8. I once met Rick Astley

Thanks DG, am sending you lots of 8 stuff through the ether x

160 bpm

2007-05-11T04:40:00.000-07:00

Firstly FANTASTIC NEWS RAE www.brokeneggs.wordpress.com

I am so excited for all those embarking on the egg donation IVF and for Rae and her results.

I remember all the feelings so well that are being experienced by so many at the moment and it is great to relive them by reading everyones blogs. I really hope everything goes well for everyone I keep everything firmly crossed.

H X

160 BPM - Diary entry
This morning I attached myself to the doppler as I have done on many occasions since buying it when I was about 10 weeks, off ebay. I have never really heard anything apart from my gurgling digestion and some whooshing noises.

Am now stupidly, seriously running low on the ultrasound jelly.

At the first attempt there it was galloping along at 160 bpm it was there for ages fluctuating between 160 and 156 then 165, then for a while stayed at 162. Finally I had got in touch with bean via doppler so I lay and listened to it for a while just enjoying our time together. Well done bean, well done uterus.

Not at work again today. Will face the music on Monday now.

Life is just too short!

At one, at 14 weeks

2007-05-10T02:07:00.000-07:00

Attached to my bed, or rather house today, I have a throat thing and am off sick, lost my voice. Is possibly the busiest day at work today and I did debate to go in just for the morning but thought, well, 'I am pregnant' and lifted the duvet back over my head.

Which is something I use quite alot now as G will tell you!

I am becoming a 'Diva' in a bid to just be with my (slowly forming bump now slightly resembling my blog picture)

Everyone knows, about my pregnancy, there has been no friend left untold, lets hope that does not jinx us.

G is off for a stag do this weekend so there is going to be oodles of 'me' time, I stupidly bought a doppler and no doubt will be attaching myself to it at some point, apparently now is when I may pick up the sound of beans heart. Yesterday I am sure I felt a flutter at work while I was bent over, took me by surprise, tried to feel it again by shifting about like a mad person trying to get in the same position. Was gone as soon as it came.

Am now off to have a drink and bath and meditate with my CD.

kicking back at 13 weeks and 1 whole day!

2007-05-04T12:56:00.000-07:00

I left work driving with a niggling worry about the scan fearing that there will be something to burst the pregnancy bubble.

I arrived clutching my little history bundle under my arm, relieved to of recieved a full medical report from GOSH, explaining to whoever read it, in no uncertain terms, that I should be handled with kid gloves as bits of me may stop working or drop off, or out.

(possible later cardiac problems and kidney stuff), oh I am just a bundle of previous health disasters and no doubt the OBs placed his head in his hands and grabbed the nearest pen with the most ink after reading my little back catalogue.

Anyway, we saw bean, lying there with legs crossed in full relaxation mode looking very at home almost expected to see him/her with headphones on tapping a toe to Mika or something I am sure I saw a little wave.

So the old uterus is keeping a cosy hotel going, the pillows are plumped and the hot tubs free ( even saw bean drinking some of the fluid, little open and close of mouth, amazing).

So far so good, the obs said I am to be scanned every month, which is reassuring, apparently when I get to 28 weeks I need to have the old ticker looked at (maybe I could get signed off of work so I can just be with my bump at home)!

Regardless of future things, Obs said that at this point with the scan results etc there is for most, a 90% success, but obviously for me will be slightly less.

But G and I have allowed for some optimism to creep in.

Have begun discussing whose surname bean would have now, sort of thinking after heavy debate we should of had this conversation a while ago!

Fingers continually crossed.

Off the Drugs.........

2007-04-30T09:39:00.000-07:00

It's official, I am 32 today and off the hormones that have been maintaining my pregnancy thus far. Never thought I would get to this point, pondered today about being pregnant, the amount of years I thought about how much I wanted it and now I am here with a pregnancy, and I still can't believe it. Perhaps the best birthday present ever and not being maintained by horse urine anymore, me and bean are hopefully making our own hormones via the placenta, really is amazing isn't it. The will of nature to maintain a pregnancy despite the mother being a baron landscape regarding female hormones, a little bump start from a pack of pills and pessaries and a fully working pregnancy is in progress.

Unbelievable, really, unbelievable.

I am not going to get too comfy though, although it is hard when you have passed the 12 week mark, you allow yourself that extra bit of hope and pleasure. I told my friends, they were all very happy for us and one friend was very shocked as he knows full well all of my medical history. The nice thing is I feel so much that the baby is ours, despite the donor eggs, I truly feel the baby is part of me.

I was worried I wouldn't feel like that.

I had some spotting yesterday but that was after a late night out with friends so wonder whether that had something to do with it? (not sure about that but you never know, maybe bean was protesting).

Had little weird feelings in stomach area, not really pain but aches and strange things going on.

Can't wait until Friday and the scan and the meeting with the Obs.

Hopefully bean will hang on in there.

x

Foot in Mouth

2007-04-27T08:46:00.000-07:00

Oh dear everything I say or do recently seems to involve me putting my foot in it or saying something stupid that appears to offend people or if it doesn't I think I have.

Am certainly not blaming it on the pregnancy I think it is just me and my lack of thought to what I am actually saying, sometimes I feel like I am making a joke when actually it is very poor timing! So have decided to selfishly concentrate on me as am having a hard time concentrating on much these days, work is busier than ever and I need to look after G myself and the bean.

Just the other day I was giving a friend a lift to work and started banging on in a complete rant about G not giving up smoking but doing exercises in a vein attempt to get fit, forgetting entirly that said friend, also smokes and does copious amounts of exercises to try and get fit.

Definately think I should leave opinions and advice locked away as am plainly no good at it!

So am keeping them firmly reigned in my blog and just hope I don't manage to piss anyone off in the process.

Said friend obviously wasn't bothered, perhaps made her think abit though.

ANYWAY I WAS 12 weeks yesterday 2nd trimester is on it's way and have a scan on 4th May and obs appointment and will book my nuchal test, hope to see a healthy bean, hope I have been supporting it enough with my appalling diet at the moment ( although am loving salads dripping in oil and vinegar....ooh yes).

Was hormone replacement free all yesterday and today, just having one dose tonight (1 x 2mg Progynova 1x Cyclogest Pessary) another Sunday then on my birthday I finish completely!!

Fingers crossed the placenta behaves itself.

I have also met someone at work who is in their second trimester, it has been so nice to chat to her, unfortunately she is having to have an amnio sentisis as it appears her baby may have downs after having some suspicious blood tests, she decided not to have the nuchal test which is a scan and can apparently tell if the child is potentially a down sysndrome baby (www.mums.me.uk/nuchal.htm), it is usually done around 13 weeks or something, she advised me to do it, which I I am booked in for anyway, it could happen to anyone. I made a conscious decision not to advise or give an opinion and just listened to how she felt, it must be such a worrying time for her my heart goes out to her and I just keep everything crossed for next week I know it is 1% chance but still it's a risk of miscarriage isn't it. She is 27 and thought that she was infertile and so was over the moon about the pregnancy she still is but obviously is in limbo emotionally at the moment.

X

Muddle Brain

2007-04-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

Work, I am worrying about, infact everything I am worrying about.

Have cut right down on hormones and stop completely tomorrow, have had little twinges in the tummy area, and felt a flutter today while I was at work but know it is too early to feel any movement. Oh here we go, I am worrying about the pregnancy too. Phew, thought I was going mad for a minute!

Maybe the hormone change is mucking me about and making me a paranoid worrying wreck.

Have begun to tell more friends about the bean today, and got my first tummy pat from my employer saying that she could see a bump coming.

Is the only fat on me at the moment, completely lost my appetite and so have lost weight, am hoping the bean is getting enough nutrients. Wish I could just be IV fed at the moment and be lying on a desert Island somewhere while it happened.

I think perhaps some retail therapy is in order soon, either that or a frontal labotomy.

Only 3 days to go

2007-04-23T11:42:00.000-07:00

Well nearly two now........until 12 week mark.

Still along way to trapse, and the path has been rocky in places, couple of pot holes, but in the distance I can see a vision of hope lighting the way like a silent runway, flickering by candle light.

Read DG's blog www.thedrownedgirl.wordpress.com where there are comments made (Waiting for Daisy) about egg donation and the ethics behind the altruistic donor and the 'commercial' option. I can see both sides of the story, positive and negative, my personal choice was to go to Spain, having read article upon article, forum upon forum, eventually it comes down to how, what is available as options, makes you feel.

I personally felt that altruistic donation is the deepest gift available for a woman to do for another woman, for me, a couple of friends had offered (the first of which changed her mind) but something in my being didn't feel right and my instinct had to lead the way, which took me to an article by the observer. www.observer.guardian.co.uk/woman/story/0,,1684149,00.html Makes me feel shallow slightly as the appeal for me was to be away, like on a spa holiday, out of this country, a country that I hadn't had much success in regarding the egg donation process, mainly because the altruistic policy here wasn't for me, I also felt that women who donated anonymously although there was a financial incentive had made a very brave decision and should be financially rewarded for the ordeal which would cover more than a few bus rides to the hospital and back.

This particular clinic came reccomended by a counsellor at Guys Hospital who knew the Nurse Ruth who ran the donation programs which set my mind at rest as to the way that the clinic would work following guidelines, ensuring the wellbeing of all parties involved.

It is a shame but understandable that the whole process is shrouded in such an ethical and moral sludge. Obviously I can say this as I didn't have any eggs, and I guess like the woman in the waiting for Daisy book, felt slightly selfish at wanting to have a child through donor eggs, asking my younger cousin (although 25 not 20) in a desperate attempt to have one tiny gene from my family, but once that option was taken away, whether I had the process done or not in England wasn't important to me, and on reflection I don't think I would of felt happy with the situation eventually should we have gone down that path.

What was important for me was the reputation of the clinic, the success rate, whether the donor was paid ( this in all honesty was important for me, I felt that the women deserved a reward, although I understand and take the commodity issue) I also felt that going abroad, in my mind, seperated me from the donor, selfish again, I suppose, but is what I felt comfortable with.

In all honesty (again) when we first ventured on the DE IVF path my first priority was getting a free go(sounds terrible doesn't it, having had cancer I was entitled to it by the local PCT) but I never felt completely happy with the conditions to my 'free go', as soon as we made the decision to go to Spain, it really felt right, and I could finally feel I was getting somewhere, we had to pay but the process suited us and the feeling for me was good. (although the egg share thing, I am not completely happy about, for a number of reasons, slightly commodity tinged)

It is complicated the more I look at the whole process, anaylise it, pick it to bits, I start to feel alsorts of concerns or guilt as to what is humanly right etc, but why do womens wombs carry other womens donated eggs? why are they not rejcted? (thinking here in my hippy spiritual mode), is it yet another way that nature in some bazaar way compensates for the growing number of infertile people,(yes I know, abit wacky and with no statistics to back up what I just said, and possibly far removed from nature regarding the procedure but it happens.........the process actually works)!(hope I don't regret saying that as could get into a spiralling thought of genetic engineering and alsorts)

The decision I made was right for us, the clinic who work very hard at making peoples lives better by helping them have a child benefitted from our money. The donor was rewarded for their wonderful gift, G and I had a 5 star holiday and came away with a bean in the oven. While we were away we had never been so happy, like we were free from all the stress and anxiety caused by the 3 years of getting nowhere (which I know is nothing compared to many peoples situations and efforts to get pregnant).

Nothing is for certain, and everyone has different feelings about what is right for them, and I think that is the priority, and I am so happy that people like DG and KF have made their decisions which is most definately right for them and to of helped the donation cause by supplying info on their blogs of useful resources to help those on the same road, I think that too is something that lacks in the DE world, decent help and information, even the hospitals here don't really know what to provide their patients regarding what they want to know. Unfortunately I am crap with websites and can't workout how to do the blogroll thing otherwise I would of put everyones on my site too.

Having said all that about Spain, if things go pear shaped we couldn't afford to do it there again, it would be a 'free go' and no doubt I would go for it, and eat all of my words, and if that didn't work we would of paid off the first Spanish loan and then gone for the £10,000 Barcelona 'as many goes as you want in a year' package and when you get to 13 weeks they have fulfilled their contract....... because my desire to be a mother is so strong...................... and that most definately is part of me.

blog move

2007-04-22T01:45:00.000-07:00

I was going to delete this site but decided to change it's location instead.

Yes am mad and suffering from hormonal stuff 'well that's my excuse'!

I have become the scarlet Pimpernel of blogs.

Happiness

2007-04-20T10:24:00.000-07:00

Anyway, I just wanted to say how lucky I feel today, I know how things can go pear shaped (Scared the pants off myself by doing my tarot cards the other night) (I know I should give up all that bollocks but I have been doing it too long to give it up completely!) I got the tower....Loads of people flinging themselves out of a burning building. So I did them another 5 times until I got a nice card and felt happy again. Tarots, schmarots.

So, yes, happy is what I am, I am feeling content that I am pregnant, that I can stroke my tummy and know that my little bean is floating in there doing somersaults (hopefully anyway).

I am cutting down the hormones slowly in the run up to my 12 week mark on April 26th ( 4 days before my birthday). I am scared but excited too, 12 weeks can be a dodgy time placenta wise, but I am keeping everything crossed that I will be able to sustain it myself, only then will it begin to feel natural, like it is part of me, so this part, I am excited about, as it is probably glaringly obvious, I really do want to be a mother more than anything in the universe and I am sure there are a zilion women who feel the same, but for me to of got this far is sooo amazing, I have wanted this for so long, I really am so happy for me and G, and so proud of my uterus, it has done a stirling job so far I just hope it will be happy with stretching a little more.....

I have a scan and obs appointment at my local hospital (I know! wonders will never cease), on May 4th, so will see what the Obs have to say, I emailed GOSH to send me details of their concerns to take with me, just so that they don't think I am expecting silver service for no reason.

Work are giving me time for my appointments ( by law they should anyway) but I feel sorry for the Headmistress, she has such a lot of hassle recently and me having a bean in the bakery is probably another twig for the donkeys back. ( I am sure she would love that analogy). I could tell by her face, she is not feeling the joy over it all.

I wish all those ladies who are embarking on egg donation all the happiness and smugness I feel at the moment, I know for some of you your journey was after you had your own children and so is a brave and difficult choice for you to make, but I am sure you will feel as happy and serene as I do and that your bean is as much part of you as the uterus in your belly.

Back to work......

2007-04-12T13:31:00.000-07:00

I should be happy, I am 10 weeks today! and yes I am happy, although hideously hormonal and almost laughed in mid tantrum at my own ridiculousness. Poor G he really puts up with a lot, I am such a bitch. I think I was having a go at him for stuttering and not getting his words out quick enough. Poor poor G.

Had to go to dentist today too to have broken tooth fixed, had to face receptionist that I had a hormonal tantrum at a few weeks previous. Am soon going to be ashamed to show my face at many places I fear!

My pile of stuff is in the corner of the room, ready to be taken into work tomorrow. I wish it would go away, work I mean, I really have too much relaxation to be doing these days. Work was something I used to do, I don't want to do it any more.

Concentration was a power I used to posses, pre hormones. These days I am lucky to finish a sentence.....

Yes I am sure work will get better after a couple of weeks, when I finally come off of the mountain of hormones I am on. The placenta kicks in at 12 weeks running the show on it's own apparently. Scary thought though, coming off of the pills that have maintained my pregnancy thus far.

Was actually sick the other afternoon too, although I think that was down to the dodgy pub lunch I had although nausea has seemed to worsen lately and I am never more than a grasp away from some bloody ginger nuts.

Am getting increasingly uncomfortable in jeans too, although I just look like I have had a few beers at the moment, in some ways I can't wait to be the size of a house because at least I can rest easy that I have made it to the size of a house, with my radioactive uterus expanding as it should, this is the next hurdle, the expanding issue. 12 weeks will be celebrated and friends will be told but I won't tell the children at school until 14 - 16 weeks. Incase the little bean is expelled from my stubborn unstretchy womb.

I don't think people understand this stretchy issue, I think 12 weeks for most is the point you can relax abit, but for me in some ways the fun will just be beginning!

I stupidly bought some maternity cargo trousers for work, for comfort value, how mad, I feel like I am tempting some sort of jinx or something. Won't wear them until I really have to though, just nice to know they are there to put on while slobbing about the house or something.

Oh how I yearn to be slobbing about, infact I shall do just that, and take myself to bed and will wake refreshed and ready to be a working girl again..........

hmmmmmmmm.

Can you take anymore?

2007-04-03T08:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know whether I can take anymore myself!

I feel I have had more white knuckle experiences in the last two days than a whole year of Alton Tower rides.

Finally got to the UCLH today, what a wonderful hospital, brand new, I felt like I was abroad!

OK, cut to the chase.

Doctor, wonderful woman, discusses my past medical history takes time to give some TLC and tactfully places the monitor so that only she can see it after hearing my miscarriage story.

I lie in the familiar stirrups heart pounding, I look at the ceiling, she asks me about previous scans and I start to tell her about the one at 6 weeks and seeing the heartbeat.

'Well' she says 'You still have a baby with a heartbeat' and she turns the screen round, it still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it (hormones probably!)

I started to cry, quite alot, more than I thought I would if it was bad news.

'Look it's sucking it's thumb, ' sure enough the baby was sucking a limb bud or whatever they call it.

The doctor prints out a picture, I am beside myself in disbelief,

'Oooh look you can see the face,' the baby turns round and faces me.

I just can't believe it.

'Lets print another one out for mummy shall we' the doctor says ( thinking they were talking about my mother waiting in the waiting room but realising it was ME she was referring to!).

I am beside myself but eventually calm down.

I cannot believe the extremes we have been through in the last couple of days. Now I amm looking at a little bean bobbing around, resembling a baby, flinging it's arms and legs about, doing back flips. I still can't believe it. It was like it was saying 'Woopee mummy look what I can do'!

The doctor checked my ovaries too and said they are small but she found one egg in there.

fetus is measured at 9 weeks and 1 day ! (not sure how that happens as not 9 weeks until Thursday, maybe it is the hormones turning it into 'Super Fetus' or something.

Doctor summises it could have been a bit of the vaginal plug coming away. (How lovely) she explains that this can sometimes be gritty and cartillage like, or it was the other embryo that didn't form. We will never know.

Oh the relief, oh the joy, Oh the disbelief! It is like it was someones elses scan I was looking at.

Am exhausted from all the ups and downs, I just hope it isn't always going to be so worrying, but unfortunately my bets are on me losing faith at least another twenty million times.

I did my tarot cards yesterday and they said 'I must learn not to be fearful and should trust what the universe has in store for me'

So I bought the universe a bunch of flowers today!

Good on yer universe.....

Here's one of those ticker things that I never thought I would be using.......

SOMEBODY PLEEEEASE!

2007-04-02T02:48:00.000-07:00

I have never experienced such worry and frustration. I am left aghast at the lack of help I am getting from my local surgery and hospital it is like I am on some kind of blacklist. 'Don't want her sort round 'ere swanning in with her IVF sob stories and tales of Spain, expecting us to drop everything, who does she think she is eh?'

I phone the Midwife Liason person at the Local hospital who assures me she will help and will call me back. I feel relieved and await her call.

'listen, I am so sorry but there are no appointments for a scan whatsoever'

What about the appointment the lady doctor made me on Thursday for Thursday this week?

'there is no record of that, I am afraid'

I feel my voice go shakey, thinking now that I almost certainly had a miscarriage last week and have still got a host of debris that could become an infection or something but I don't want to stop taking the hormones incase there is a slim chance a fetus is still there.

She can't help me.

I feel so hopeless, I phone my doctor leaving messages with the receptionist. They say they are putting it on his screen but he is so busy.

I can't stop crying, it is madness noone is helping me.

I email GOSH desperate, saying I will come up to London, anything, I just need help.

I phone the WD's private clinic, they give me an appointment for an early scan on Thursday, I say nothing about the miscarriage at this stage just feeling relieved to get an appointment. Also not as expensive as I thought either £50.

At least I have that.

The Doctor calls, tells me he will phone the gynae ward he says he will phone me back, he is trying to sort something for tomorrow.

GOSH phones me, Susan, she says she has tried to ring but the phone was engaged, the angels have flown in.

'H I have spoken to the UCLH they can see you today or tomorrow, obviously the best is for you to be seen locally, I can't believe you are having this trouble, I shall phone your GP, if he can't sort something out then go to the UCLH tomorrow. So do you think it was a miscarriage?'

I explain the detail, the cartillage the clot.

'Well we thought it might happen didn't we, it doesn't make it any easier though does it' she says with a sympathetic tone, I burst into tears losing control of my composure. Turning into a squeaking mess again.

She has helped me though and at least I can start a fresh when this is all over. Which is what I need to come to terms with.

I put down the phone and let myself lose it for a moment.

Then Susan phones me back.

'Hi I've spoken to your GP and he has suggested we go down my route as it may well be quicker, he has been trying really hard to get you seen but he's not sure how quickly he can do it'

I know, it's not his fault, but it seems so mad!

So I have phoned UCLH who know me instantly when I call, asking me what time suits me, taking in to consideration where I am travelling from she gives me an appointment at midday, her voice is chirpy and helpful and I feel like I have finally got home. my mother is coming with me, I almost certainly know what the result of the scan will be, so I think I will need her there, knowing before you go doesn't make it any less difficult and there is always a niggling refusal to give up the hope that is shining in a corner of the back of my mind like a little candle, until I see the screen that extinguishes it.

Susan said that my Gp will be working on the Gynae ward for the aftercare. I think they all know like I do, that, that will be the next step no matter how much shining is going on.

I just have to say every cancer survivor is different and I am sure there are plenty of success stories too for those of you embarking on the egg donation IVF route!

My uterus is showing the damage it sustained back in 1988 rebelling against me after teasing me for a couple of months, so while I have a couple of plan B's it may well be that I may have to come to terms with a few of these early losses if we are going to try again, we are not going to give up yet. So maybe the zimmer frame and incontinence pants may come first after all.....

Power to the people.

2007-03-31T06:07:00.000-07:00

When I started this blog I had no idea where it was going to take me, so far it has taken me all over the place emotionally, like a blind London Cab driver with no sat nav.

The purpose of the blog was to reach people like me who didn't know what to expect with egg donation IVF. It is not something I wanted to share with all of my friends as it is a personal choice, and while I have my family I have discovered a whole load of ladies who extend their support and well wishes most of which are in a similar situation 'fertility wise' as me, others just interested in what goes on. It has been very humbling to read all of your well wishes and to enter this very fragile world of infertility together.

Girl Power around the world!

Thank you!

You are all very kind and I hope you all have the success you deserve.

As far as my naughty, unpredictable uterus goes, it is being subdued with progesterone pessaries at the moment and I have had no more bleeding since the Sainsburys outburst, I still have sore boobs and feel tired and queezy but know that this doesn't mean anything really. A midwife at my local surgery is trying to pull strings for me and has given me a number to call on Monday to try and arrange something. So I am sitting tight, trying to relax at every opportune moment, 'the slob' again, no doubt I shall start balancing crystals on my navel to try every single thing to hope for the best. If my other half didn't think I was a princess before, he certainly does now!

My plan B, I have two of them so far, which always makes you feel more in control.

If things don't get better I shall heed the advice of Thalia and get on to GOSH to try and sort a referral out.

Spain have been great too, Ruth phoned me and advised the increase in progesterone and told me to call her on her mobile anytime.

Sometimes that's all you need isn't it.

Feels like I am so ME me me at the moment I appreciate all who read my crazy rants!

Notoriously Hopeless System

2007-03-30T03:32:00.000-07:00

After being pampered and reasured by my mother yesterday. I faced the fact I would now have to fight the system again to try and get scanned.

A doctor phoned me at 3.30 yesterday and she was very caring and said she would do her best to book me in on the early pregnancy clinic at the hospital.

She phoned again to tell me the earliest appointment would be next Thursday before Easter Friday.....

What do people have to do to get seen? arrive at the door losing pints of blood, crawling hopelessly towards the reception desk.

She sympathised with me, and appreciated how worried I must be, she did a wonderful listening doctor, saying how frustrating it must be after the IVF etc etc etc. She told me she would try and beat the system and get my 'actual' doctor to try and squeeze me in early tomorrow (today) and will get him to call me. She however mentioned how it was her day off tomorrow (today) so I would just have to wait for my 'actual' doctor to call me in the morning as this would be the best time to see if they can squeeeze me in for a scan......

And here I am ........lunchtime...3 phone calls to my doctors surgery later and no word.....I phone the Ultra sound department myself. They put me through to the ward that deals with 'womens bits' who basically make me feel like a paranoid time waster, I stop myself from getting wound up and I am sure there are people worse off then me which gives them a right to be so devoid of compassion or pleasant bedside manner . At the end of a very brief conversation she suggests I phone on Monday.

'High risk pregnancy' 'radioactive ueterus' 'cancer survivor' are all words I want to throw at this person as well as £5000 and a years worth of tears.

My visits to GOSH are so far removed from the local PCT's, you go to GOSH there is no messing around, the latest technology at your disposal to be used at the slightest whiff of a possible problem, no quetions asked, health and well being after all is high on the agenda.

I am sure there are a few teenagers getting their quota of scanning time at the local hospital this morning before they go and sign on in the dole que pushing their other 5 kids as they leave the building.

Yes I know, an unfair comment. I should be thankful that I am not crawling along on my hands and knees bleeding from every orifice really.

Buying my own scanning machine off ebay for $5,000 is becoming more appealing as the days go by........

This could be the end

2007-03-29T07:13:00.000-07:00

I am using my blog cathartically again.

Something has happened and I fear the worst, just as I reach my 8 week mark I feel a pain, inside, as I drive to Sainsburys, an ache, I wonder about this ache as it feels worrying. A rush of dampness and I abandon my trolley and head for the loos.

It's bad, not sure whether to go into detail or not but there is blood and a clot, and suddenly I am faced with what I think is a miscarriage, I try not to panic thinking of all the places, it would have to be Sainsburys toilets.

I chant 'No, no, no,' like a mantra as I frantically unwrap a cyclogest pessary.

I tense my abdomen in a vein attempt to stop any other debris from coming away. I leave sainsburys and get to my car talking to myself like a mad person,

'You are strong, just get in the car and drive home and phone mum, you're alright stay calm, this happens to lots of ladies, stay calm'

I have so much school work todo, piled in my car, I have shopping to do, but life has stopped for this moment. I must focus on me and my uterus once again, GOSH were right, I am high risk, perhaps I shouldn't of been working, perhaps I should of been in bed for the whole first trimester. The pain has gone but I am too scared to go to the loo, I am trying to ignore the slight back pain I can feel.

I phoned my mum, no answer.

I phoned my boyfriend no answer.

I email Spain.

I phone the doctors and burst into tears as the words ' I think I am having a miscarriage leave my lips' I feel silly as the receptionist asks me the best number to get the doctor to call on, I squeak out my number trying not to cry but unable to help it.

All feels abit sudden and can't quite get my head round it.

Mums phoned and she is on her way.

Princess Gamma

2007-03-28T07:43:00.000-07:00

No matter what I do, where I am in my life, what is happening, I will always be a cancer survivor.

I was in London for my bi annual Great Ormond Street Hospital Appointment. Where I have a general MOT. I was looking forward to this particular appointment. To show my consultant who has been with me since my bone marrow transplant in 1988, the scan picture of the growing little blob inside of me.

As I trod the familiar hallways and passed the familiar bald heads of children attached to monitors and tubes, beeping machines and toys with wheels on. I was reminded of how lucky I am.

After an echocardiogram on my heart which showed a normal beating healthy one. I waited patiently to see Dr L.

My time came and I couldn't wait to blurt out the news, she threw her hands up in joy and was very happy for me.

Then came the reminders.......

'You are a high risk pregnancy' 'You have had radiation and therefore have a higher chance of miscarriage' 'Increased chance of premature birth' 'increased chance of low birth weight' 'Some patients have had succesful pregnancies, some have miscarried early on' 'You need to be monitored carefully by an obstetrician and have regular ultrasound and echocardiograms to check your heart, as you received a certain chemical as part of your treatment which could effect the contractibility of your heart muscle'.............

Oh yes, I forgot, I am not normal, another host of hurdles are thrown in front of me like skittles disappearing off into the horizon.

I am so pleased to get the best care from GOSH, they demand I receive only the best care from other healthcare professionals, I am very lucky, it is like having a whole host of guardian angels flapping around you. It is also however, a reminder that I am always going to be someone who had cancer and as time goes on it seems the likelihood of long term effects can cloud over the blue skies, they don't know, they are still learning themselves how the radiation and chemicals can effect patients as decades go by. (My broken tooth is an indicator that things might start getting a bit crumbly!)

Perhaps by 2010 I shall start glowing green, my friend J said 'I might be like that radioactive strawberry that just never shrivels up and is preserved in redness by radiation' (I wish)

Although I had radiotherapy after I had started my periods and apparently, this is good and outcomes of pregnancies of patients who had started their periods before cancer treatment has been favourable. But I had literally only JUST started, so who knows,(other pregnancies have been succesful and spontaneous too so who knows for sure) it is all in the lap of the gods and I am going to be relaying this all to the poor midwife on Friday who apparently is going to have to treat me with kid gloves.

Perhaps I should arrive at the surgey on a sedan chair carried by four punka wallers two of which are frantically fanning me with ostrich feathers.

It is after all the very least they could do!

'.....and so a life begins'

2007-03-19T09:38:00.000-07:00

'My heart goes boom boomy boom boomy, boom boomy boom boomy boom boomy boom boomy boob boob boob boom' That song is in my head in a joyous way.

We saw our fetus today all 9mm from crown to rump! heart racing ( roughly 138bpm), you could see it, it was amazing wibbling on the screen like a tiny tonsil or something.

Amazing isn't it. quite pleased actually that there was just one, although I am sure the HCG seemed quite high when I last had it done. I am hoping that doesn't mean anything untoward. Makes me wonder whether the slight blood was the other one, obviously the accomodation wasn't right for them I guess.

I am just hoping that this one stays the distance and doesn't get bored of the surroundings they have got a very anxious mummy that wants them to stay with her, she's got a lot of cuddles waiting!

Want to tell the world, but am trying to stay rational and will only tell the world at 12 weeks. Nothing is ever for certain is it.

Feel very lucky so far though, fingers crossed for the future.

Tummy Turmoil

2007-03-18T08:56:00.000-07:00

Here it goes again, on another cycle of nausea at fast spin.

My stomach has decided to unite with my painful breasts in a bid to get my hopes up. Am feeling decidedly queezy. have not gone off food though but often feel a bit dodgy after eating and before eating????? (how strange, it must be in my head) Am also feeling increasingly tired (although am always tired anyway!) and can't wait for the Easter Holidays. Don't know how I am going to get through the summer term though, will have to be a miracle, sustaining myself on the hope that it may be my last term there for a while.

Must not get caught up with thoughts of such maternity yet, the next BIG ONE is tomorrow. SCAN DAY.

I can't wait to see what is going on in there, if they are alright and have settled nicely, in the right place and are wrapped up in their own little blobby cocoons. Hopefully at least one is.

Apparently I could see the heart(s) tomorrow if all is well. Don't really want to think about if all isn't well.

Talking of cosy cocoons I may go and make myself one now. I am a pathetic pregnant woman and this may be my last chance to play on it.........

Peace (is what I want)

2007-03-12T13:29:00.000-07:00

I am finding my inner calm. After a few frantic feels of my breasts this morning and slight panic that they felt normal and not pregnant, I resigned myself to Que ce ra, ce ra.

Spotting has stopped though.

Taking my hands off everything (including my breasts) I got on with my day, and tried to focus on looking after my preschoolers thankfully they kept cuddling me today, and I realised, quite painfully, that my breasts are still definately sore. The poor kids were being shuffled around and moved gently away with a chorus of 'ooh' 'owch' 'Ooooh hang on a minute lets have a look at this over here (a million miles away from my breasts)'

G thinks I am mad I come home and inform him gleefully of how painful my breasts are and how sick I have felt today. It's like winning the lottery everytime I get a nauseous wave or a stabbing breast pain.

I can, like so many, only wait for the scan now. Like all the people before me who have had to endure what I am going through, I will be doing the same, staring at the calender as if the days are going to suddenly gather pace and canter into next week, it is out of my control and in the hands of fate.

I got an email from my friend who offered to donate her eggs for me a couple of years ago, she is getting married and wanted to know how things were going, I told her where I am at but still worry the more people I tell that the law of sod will come creeping in to turn things pear shaped. It has already stepped in slightly to give me a twinge of a sore throat this evening after I had, had a couple of nervous days of work last week.( I feel so guilty now).

I do allow myself to worry abit, I mean anyone would wouldn't they, £5,000 and 3 years of emotional turmoil, fighting against the tide, I want to keep the blobs in not go through that again.

Roll on Easter Holidays, I can collapse on my bed then and not think of anything!

I am worried again!

2007-03-11T13:42:00.000-07:00

I have had more spotting, red and well, it's worrying it went and came back again.

I am beginning to get a bad feeling again, I have read so many conflicting stories about spotting, 'nothing to worry about' 'the start of a miscarriage' 'Had this just before a torrent of blood came out of me.....'

This is almost as bad as waiting for the treatment. I am going into work tomorrow and I am beginning to concern myself with the fact I may start bleeding or something awful.

Just the thought of having to go through what the last year has been for us all again, paying off the loan, getting back into the que, begging for favours off the NHS, it really scares me.

The nurse in Spain Ruth, doesn't seem to be too worried she thinks I may have an irritation and said if it continues to increase my dose of progesterone as it could be my body needing more (if there is two, I suppose it would need more). I don't know what to believe, I am going to try and forget about it, and just live my life without being consumed by whats going on inside my uterus.

We saw G's family today, they are talking as if it is a done deal the babies coming and stuff, even suggesting that November is a good time for them to be born for schools. I am scared to think further than tomorrow at the moment.

They aren't babies yet, they are still blobs or one blob....or none.

Scared to even go to the toilet.

I want my sanity back, I have been brain washed by my self.

Just got to ride it through I guess.

Good day sunshine.

2007-03-09T08:01:00.000-08:00

HCG 17155.0

So erm, yes still pregnant and feeling slightly mad at my mild panic over a tiny little dot. Could well still be two little elongated blobs in there judging by what google has to say about HCG levels. (where would I be without Google, having a life probably!!!!).

Dr called to inform me of my scan that has been booked for the 19th at 2.40pm. Will have to see if G can get the afternoon off.

The levels may explain my sudden lack of inclination to do anything and just sleep. lunchtime seems to be the worst time for me, where I need 20 minutes nap to rejuvenate. I promise I will try not to be a slacker next week, I did do all my planning this morning! Then slept.

So once again I thank everything, the world, the universe, my lucky stars, and have also stocked up on disgustingly healthy snacks to take into work next week including some dodgey over priced seed bar thing by Gillian Mackeith (The pooh inspector)dread to think what it tastes like, particularly as I associate her and her smiling face on the packet with pooh, but I must think of the blobs.

Smuggly beginning to think that things may.....no I am not going to say it.......

I refuse to let this all become one big obsession, yes I am temporarily smug, and yes I have ordered a book from Amazon about 'the all Natural Pregnancy' (all things herby and holistic) yes I am one step away from prancing around like a demented hippy on my lawn singing 'all things bright and beautiful'.

Lethargic worry

2007-03-08T09:21:00.000-08:00

Today I could sleep for England if it wasn't for the fact I was worried this morning.

Mild brown spotting at the beginning of the 5th week. Google has a lot to say about that, most of which consists of, 'normal in the first trimester'.

Doesn't stop you from having a twinge of panic, coupled with the fact I really couldn't face work today. I decided I could not leave my bed and phoned in sick.

Bed felt so good, the duvet was my nirvana albeit a naughty skivey one.

I discussed with G the spotting and wound myself up again and decided to get a pregnancy test to see how strong the line was.

Jeans on over pyjamas I sluggishly make my way to the chemist.

They flashed me a look over their bi focals that resembled a 'are you living on the streets?' look. I don't blame them, in a woollen hat and jumper in ill fitting lumpy jeans on a spring day, I would of thought the same.

A line struggles to appear but eventually does.

So now I officially worry and email Spain.

The HCG should of risen thus giving way for a pink beacon of a pink line to be captured by hubble surely?

Ruth advises me to have another HCG blood test just to make sure everything is progressing as it should. 'To hopefully reassure me'.

The 'oh so familiar' lime green sofas have been moved around the waiting room as if to trick me or make it seem that a greater length of time has passed rather than just a week.

'Oooooh hello hows things going?' the beaming blood lady has now upgraded herself to some blue pyjamas. Confessing as she tournequayed my arm, that she was a white witch and had a good feeling about me as she drained me of a little more blood.....

'yes you had good veins didn't you' 'You'll make a lovely mummy' she quipped.

I do feel so dreadfully tired and boobs are still very sore so am hoping this is a good sign, although you never know if fate as a wake up call lined up for you. A little reminder that life can also be exceedingly crap at times.

XXX

PS thanks for messages can you (broken) send me you blog address if you have one. Hope all is on the move for you I replied to you through my comments link, still haven't worked out how to use blogging things yet.

You'll never guess from the picture............

2007-02-28T11:31:00.000-08:00

HCG 257 'whatever it is'........

I am pregnant !!!!!! Bloody hell!!! It worked!!!

The embryos didn't slip out in the transfer room!

The high level of HGC could also mean that they might of both taken!

Can you believe it?

We can't!!!!

But I am allowing myself a couple of glasses of champers and a smile and then I am off the stuff until I know for sure in a couple of weeks when we see a heart beat (or two?).

As from tomorrow I am officially 4 weeks pregnant, weird how they work it out isn't it.

Am supposed to be planning tonight for work but can't think about anything................work has taken a back seat.

G asked me how long babies take to come out he thought it was a year, (Oh dear, poor man doesn't know what on earth is going to hit him)!

Hooray for everything xxxxx

Just a little prick!

2007-02-27T12:06:00.000-08:00

Work was work and passed suitably quickly today. I raced out of the building casting a smiling glance to the groups of parents waiting outside a few little waves to the kids and I obeyed the 5mph as I drove out of the gates, then put my pedal to the metal and sped towards the WD's clinic.

This is partly IT, I mean really IT!

I got to the clinic and swooped through the iron gates and parked in an offensively bad way across the posh new drive and rang the doorbell trying to catch my breath, desperately trying to look professional and not like I have been crawling around on my hands and knees all day clearing up pooh and wee.

All excitedly I chirp that I am hear for my HCG test not realising the waiting room was full of people. I sat amongst the trendy lime sofas again and barely had a chance to open 'OK' when I was called by an old fashioned looking nurse in a sisters uniform. No blue pyjamas, (how disappointing).

I follow her through to a little ultrasound room.
'so this is exciting isn't it?' she said which I thought was a little odd,
'Well sort of' I replied, 'To be honest I expect the worse'
'Well you never know it could be twins' she smiled
'would be good though wouldn't it, if it was positive'
(what is this woman on?)
'Yes it would yes' OF COURSE IT BLOODY WOULD WE HAVE SPENT £5,000 TO BE UP THE DUFF IT IS NOT GOING TO BE A PROBLEM IF WE ARE PREGNANT!!
'I don't think it is going to happen, but who knows' I sighed,
'How do you feel do you feel any different?'
I really can't believe she is asking me this, on the positive side I would be all of two weeks pregnant, I am hardly going to be puking up my guts just yet, on the negative even if I do have sore breasts and have felt light headed it is more likely the vast quantities of hormones I am shoving in every crevice available.

This only makes me feel that I don't feel pregnant, bless her she didn't mean to confuse me she was probably just making conversation.
Needle went in quite painfully which is always a worry I don't mind needle pain, but this was sore. a couple of seconds later it is out, she pops a plaster on and I get up to go.

Just as I am asking her what happens about the results, I feel a warm trickly feeling and find my right arm is spilling out blood on to the floor (nice)
'Sorry' She said 'I used a rather large needle on you'
I make myself comfortable again and wait for my arm to regain colour.

Lunch time tomorrow 'The Finale' I phone the clinic, they tell me.

Could be curtain down, could be an encore, could be a standing ovation.

I took my prescription to the local pharmacy the girl asked me what the drugs were I said HRT,
'You're abit young for that' she said
I explained the IVF and told her
'I may be in tomorrow, I may not, I find out you see, whether I am pregnant or not, which means I may or may not need them'
'Thats fine' she said softly, 'Just give us a tinkle on the phone if you're not going to be in'................................................................

Baby boom

2007-02-26T11:53:00.000-08:00

We went to see my friend yesterday, who had her baby boy a couple of weeks ago. he is tentatively being referred to as 'Milo' and they think they are going to stick with that.

At first all I could think of was the tweenies and a malt drink from New Zealand, but it has grown on me and it certainly suited the little man, he was absoloutely gorgeous.

Thankfully, I wasn't too weird, I was a little quiet I think and obviously felt a little bit uncomfortable as there wasn't just one baby but quite a few of varying sizes and ages up to 4. I went round hugging them all and cracking jokes about how fortunate I was to be able to have cuddles and hand them back.

Yes of course I am Jealous, but in a nice way.

Milo is beautiful and looks just like my friend.

'Modern British Barbie'

2007-02-24T08:33:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if there is a God what his plan is?

This afternoon I went outside to tell some children ( girl 9 boy 5 or 6) to get off the bonnet of my car.

They apologised for playing round my car and buggered off.

I went back in and carried on chatting to my friend who had come over for coffee.

Later, he leaves, and says he thinks he can see a masssive scratch on the bonnet of my car.

I go down and sure enough a massive scratch is there, gauged into the front of my car. I am seething full of rage and march off into the local DSS Zone, on the otherside of our road.

I see the girl playing with some friends, I ask her who scratched my car,

'My bruvver' she said straight away and pointed down the road, I asked her where she lived and she told me without hesitation, I told her I would speak to her mum. I then found the little boy and asked him if he scratched my car. He said no a big boy did it, 'You know' he said 'the big boy with the yellow T shirt, Kyle'.

(by this time G and my friend had followed me to make sure I wasn't going to get bottled by a 5 year old.)

I went over to the 5 year olds house, broken toys littered the front garden/scrub land, plastic containers, tissue strewn everywhere, broken bottles fag butts , mum could here me coming and opened the window carrying a furrowed expression.

'Yes' she said blowing smoke into my face,

The house contained several children of various ages, a toddler was trying to look out the window saying 'hello' unaware of his siblings crime!

I explained I had spoken to two of her children already and that a child had scratched my car, she told me where this Kyle lived and then yelled for her 5 year old to come in.

'Liam get down here now'

She knows, it was her children that did it.

I march back to my house, life is so unfair, these children are vandalising before they are even in secondary school. You don't have to read papers, or watch the news, it is here on my doorstep, the lack of respect for adults, for property, for themselves. They have a whole wood to play in here and they choose to scratch my car for fun.

I can't stand this country sometimes, it is crumbling away into a pile of fag ends, useless lottery tickets and empty cans of super tenants.

Give me a home in Scandanavia any day.

Hopelessly Devoted....

2007-02-24T04:30:00.000-08:00

I am hopelessly devoted to a child that I haven't got.

Driving through the country lanes to work I heard the latest Cheryl Crow song featuring sting, for some reason it started me off grizzling, (yes, most likely hormones I am sure!) I couldn't help it, I feel so hopeless at the moment, I just have this feeling that it hasn't worked, it's so hard doing this, fighting to get pregnant. I even woke up this morning and grizzled as soon as I opened my eye's. G didn't know what was wrong with me but hugged me anyway, he did know really, he just can't understand why I am so negative about it all.

I work with a lovely lady who told me she has had four miscarriages in her life, I disclosed my situation to her, explaining that they were two blobs in Spain and that was all I knew.

She said 'if it's succesful it will be such a long pregnancy!'

She's right, that is the other thing that worries me, if it has been successful it will be 3 months of sheer hell and worry before I can relax and tell yet more people!!

(Why can't I keep it to myself and save myself possible pain and a feeling of abnormality). It is such a big thing in my life, infact it is my life at the moment, it is all I can think about, so I guess I just need to talk about it.

I know I am lucky to of been given a chance, but I can't believe I can be that fortunate to carry a baby full term.

Anyway, I must try and get my life back and my brain. My work is suffering I need to focus.

I treated myself to a large bottle of wine which I am keeping in the cupboard for any negative outcome next week.

There is always a silver lining.

om

2007-02-22T12:03:00.000-08:00

My solar plexus is squiffy annd my chakras are all out of sink....

I wish I could remain balanced and neutral, I just want to be away from work, I want to be able to just be, I can't do it at the moment.

I stupidly got the dates wrong regarding the HCG blood test ( down to my body weight in hormones I am taking) I booked a test for Tuesday when I could of had one on Monday, Bugger. I am going to the WD's clinic £30, but worth it to know it is a propar test.

Today at work I was a mess of tension and hormones, I just can't throw myself into it today. I even was quite brusk with a colleague who is always so nice. I feel out of control and wish I didn't have to think about having to be there and having to function, I feel like I am just getting these next few days out of the way, and the quicker I do it the better.

Sitting bathed in afternoon sun is where I want to be, making necklaces or something arty. I am a manager of a Pre-School and right now I want someone to be telling me what to do so I don't have to think, there is not enough space in my brain at the moment to do a job.

I stupidly did a pregnancy test today knowing full well it would be negative as it is too early, Monday is the earliest for blood, Urine would be Friday next week. I just want to get it over with, so I can get on with my life. I really don't feel pregnant though, my face has been dry with very pink cheeks since we got back from Spain but I think that is down to sitting in the sun and the bloody hormones again!! There is no difference other than that. It is all hormone induced which gives nothing away in my situation.

My friend who had the baby (as yet still unnamed!!) is down this weekend, I am going to handover the much loved Spanish Music box. I am so looking forward to seeing her and their new bundle but part of me is scared of how I might feel at this time. It shouldn't change anything I know that, but I am so emotional and coupled with the hormones I just hope I can be normal and enjoy the friends and the new baby without getting all deep and inside myself.

I had tears fill up in my eyes when I was talking to a colleague today, she is having a tough time with some of her parents (she is a teacher) and out of sheer empathy I could feel I was welling up, I am pathetic. I need more backbone, more oomf.

I am trying to be strong, I feel empty though, I keep trying to feel pregnant but something is telling me, is hasn't worked, I am sure I should feel something, the problem is I do(light headed, hot, all that stuff) but, jeesh, these are all side effects of Oestrogen which I shove down my neck everyday, it means nothing.

I could well be just an empty container with a wobbly jelly brain.

This time next week it could all be over the hormones will stop and that could be it, at least I will know.....

Working 9-5

2007-02-19T11:03:00.000-08:00

So obviously we are back, Spain already feels like a distant memory, but a memory I revisit time and time again on a daily basis.

In some ways it has been good to get back to work, into a routine where I can forget what has happened and what could happen.

The last couple of days in Spain involved a lot of feet up time for me and indulging in nice food on our last night at a delicious restaurant called 'The Orange Tree'. (good job we didn't find it on our first night, it was pricey but worth it, I would of been wanting to go there every night!).

Anyway, the here and now is what I am trying to live in now, I feel aprehentious that the return to the UK could mean the end to it all, as our plane descended into the grey overcast sky of england, a feeling of dread came over me, as it is here we will get the result, on Tuesday 27th February 2007 I go for the Hcg blood test and on Wednesday 28th 2007 I will know whether all of the last year running up to going to Spain has been in vein or whether another hurdle has been jumped without any limbs being broken.

Not sure how I will cope if a negative outcome is the case, I am sure I will find it easier than I think, everyone has that built in strength to pick themselves up again don't they? I have read alsorts of terrible stories on the net of women doing IVF for 12 years until they get a positive outcome, don't know if I have the strength for that, but I do know that I want this and I want it bad!

The next week is going to go by with the enthusiasm and pace of a slug with flu I am sure.

The Slob and the Slave

2007-02-16T04:29:00.000-08:00

Well they're in......

Thursday 15th was certainly a surreal experience. We arrived at the clinic 15 minutes early. Sitting in a small waiting area with one other Spanish couple and two ladies on their own. I sat wondering what they were all there for, were the two girls donors? Had they just donated? Why were the Spanish couple there were they having the same thing as us. I am so bloody nosey!

We all sat in silence regardless, even the mindlessness of 'Hello' couldn't lull me into a comatose boredom. I was anxious, the 4 sprays of rescue remedy before we left the hotel must of worn off.

Finally our turn came and we were taken into a windowless tiny room with a 'Klimt' picture of a mother and child on the wall, a rather haggard looking tv/monitor,a 1980's poofy black sofa thing and a skinny bed covered in paper upon which sat my sexy blue hospital gown and green feet cover things. The nurse had one of those white hospital hats on the lovely green foot cover things and a gown.
'So pop your bottmom half stuff off and then you can put on your sexy gown then the Dr will come and show you your embryo's on the monitor, the other two aren't as good as the two four cell embryo's we are putting back today, they have 7% and 10% framentation where as the others have a higher amount and are dividing at an abnormaly high rate, but we will monitor them over the next few days none the less and will see whether they would be up for freezing, but don't hold out hope for that. You do have some very good embryo's today though which is great.'
We feel a little disheartened but just have to hope for the best.
The nurse disappears back into the workings of the tiny clinic and I undress and gown up, I sit nervously perched on the edge of the bed G in the chair, we are left in there for what seems like an eternity, we amuse ourselves by taking photo's of me in my gown and G looking hungover. Finally the doctor enters and switches off the light, the monitor comes on.
'And here are your embryos'
The picture takes a while to focus, but yes, there they are, lit by a golden light, two little blobs.

The doctor points out the fragmentation,you can see that one embryo is definately better than the other, apparently it is great that they have divided to 4 cells on day 2 though. So the two little wobbly blobs are going to be re housed immenently.

Another nurse enters and escorts me into the room where the doctor potentially creates life on a daily basis.

I am a little shocked to see the lack of impressive equipment, all the programs I have seen show giant screens and things where you can watch the transfer, but all that can be seen is the famous stirruped bed, a rickety desk lamp poised at the end of the bed, and an unplugged heart monitor. I think the transfer is taking place in a spare room.

I am invited to mount the bed and place my legs in the stirrups, an embryologist peers through a tiny hatch from another room where she must get a ripe old view of my nether regions. The doctor enters and explains he will do a dummy run first and he seats himself in the appropriate area and draws the lamp towards him, the nurse is with me and casts me a smile, gently saying how lovely the embryos are.

It feels like a smear test as he cranks open the clamp thing that he has inserted, couple of slightly stingy sprays and he announces his first entry. The embryologist passes him a catheter and I look at the numerous black spots on the ceiling. There is what feels like an awkward silence, then he announces that he is now getting the embryos from the embryologist, who appears in the hatch and passes him the crucial implement, at this point as he is lining it all up I decide to break the awkward silence, by saying, 'I can't belive it is happening, I mean, it is hard to realise it is happening, it has taken us 3 years to get to this point'
The nurse says nothing. Just smiles.
'So how many embryos are the average for a cycle then?'
The doctor looks up at me probably in disbelief that I am chatting away to him at this crucial moment.
I then proceed to answer my own question.
'Well it probably depends on the quality of the sperm and the egg etc I suppose'
The nurse just smiles and agrees, then I notice she looks down at the doctor and he has his eyes closed, she says something and he shakes his head. It is all a blur really of what happened but I immediately panic that they haven't gone in and have slipped out or something or he missed because I distracted him.
He stands up.
'So we will now get the embryologist to check the catheter to confirm they are in'.
He disappears and the nurse looks awkward, I feel a little bit worried and have a bad feeling.

The embryologist pokes her head out of the hatch again and chirply announces.

'They have gone madam, good luck'

'Oh thankyou' I reply nervously,
The Doctor returns.
'So, they are in!' he exclaims,
I look at him.
'They are, they are in?'
Then he is gone.
The nurse gets G to sit with me while my uterus settles before I get dressed and can go back to the hotel.

We make our way back to the hotel via Simons car with Ruth cadging a lift home as she finishes her day at the clinic, we chat in the car about their life and what it's like working at the clinic, and then we arrive at our hotel, where we go to our room and I am to be waited on hand and foot! (it's a hard life!)

I rest for twenty fours, unable to think of anything else other than what was (hopefully) in my uterus and what would happen in the future, I listen to meditations, balance, crystals on my abdomen, all in the hope that there will be a positive outcome to all of this.

I have moments of ridiculous excitement and contentment to moments of sheer worry and concern that it will never happen to us, I couldn't be that lucky.

So I try and remain positive and upbeat.

If nothing else for the little blobs that are (hopefully) in my uterus.

Welcome to the Hotel California (well Kent actually)

2007-02-15T03:57:00.000-08:00

We dined in an almost empty restaurant last night after consuming a bottle of Champagne between us and discussing the possibilities that the future holds, what our ideas of rearing a child are and my idea to start making a history box and book for any future resulting child, photo’s of us on the balcony, sipping champagne, photo’s of the street outside, the sea, the hotel, the clinic, the boats, trying to soak up as much information for them as possible, along with all the bumper pack of hospital correspondence and my medical history.
Family history is so important.

Seems so dangerous to be even thinking like this doesn’t it, to allow ourselves to think so positively, we do still have hope though, at least for now.

G has a hangover, thankfully after the champagne I moved on to water and then peppermint tea in the hotel bar as G tucked into a large beer after consuming half a bottle of red, while watching Flamenco last night. I am so tired in the evenings (which is nothing new) but I wish I could be in more of a holiday mode, to make the most of the facilities. I just want to sleep and not do much and be with my thoughts.

We awoke to an overcast day, which is good, today will be a day of rest for me so that the little tinkers can move in safely after they have been transferred.

My dreams consisted of rehearsing plays and learning lines last night. Unfortunately for me the director decided I wasn’t up to scratch and cast me in some lineless walk on part while everyone else around me had great dancing and singing parts with amazing costumes……..strange how my mind deals with things sometimes, my underlying fear of not being able to make the grade as a pregnant woman/mother is creeping into my psyche, a constant concern that ‘I am not good enough’, mixed with G’s lazy swimmers I guess it would be a miracle if we get a live birth from all of this!

I am a little worried my tummy is aching again, I am just hoping the my uterus is not going to mess about, it has such an important role now and is the star of the show, while I, perspiring with nerves, am in the proverbial wings shouting encouraging words.

The whole malarky of the progesterone pessary in the morning is not very pleasant really, I hope I am absorbing enough hormones.

After a shower I sit by ‘Mobile number 8’ waiting nervously to hear from the clinic, waiting for our allocated transfer slot. Finally it comes at about 11.am ‘Hi H, transfer will be today and your appointment is at 1.30pm, come a little earlier and I will give you the low down on everything’ (or gossip as she calls it, in an attempt to make things light and easy on the ear)
‘Ok see you then’
I can’t think of anything to say and can’t be bothered to make small talk anymore, I am now nervous and typing away at this diary to try and take my mind out of my body and onto the computer!

The phone goes again.

‘Hi H sorry to trouble you again, listen things are going to be a little delayed today, we have a specialist who has come in and is giving the low down on these new 3D 4D scanning machines that were delivered yesterday, so can you come half an hour later rather than you hanging around here you can relax at your place’
I am jittery and immediately feel there is a problem.
‘That’s fine, there isn’t a problem is there?’
‘No, God, no, no problem, we just wouldn’t have a doctor for that time, and I feel we need a doctor somehow, yes a doctor would be good’ she jokes.
‘Oh ok, no problem that’s fine, we’ll see you at 2pm then’
I can hear another phone going off in the background and immediately feel it is the other recipients who are getting the other half of the eggs. I feel slightly uneasy with the fact another couple are sharing our eggs, I wonder how many embryos they had etc, I know I shouldn’t think about it, but can’t help it. I wish they were all ours, imagine that, 16 eggs, think of the spare embryos that we could freeze for future attempts or siblings. Unfortunately for us I don’t think we are ever going to have that opportunity now, even if we manage to get a free go through the WD’s egg sharing scheme in our home town, we would still be doing exactly that, egg sharing.

Well what can we do? Well be thankful I suppose that we even have a chance.

I will be out of action as of 2pm today and may not update until we get home now which is Saturday 17th.

So start placing your bets now……………………..

Spanish Transfer -The diary from 10th -14th

2007-02-14T07:10:00.000-08:00

Hola, I have managed to get myself wifi access to bring you the story so far.......

Saturday the 10th Feb

I woke early and drove into work determind to get some done, noone was there when I arrived the school was locked. I was secretly pleased that I could concentrate rather selfishly, on me and my naughty uterus and whether we were going to be going to Spain.
I refreshed my email as many times as I took an intake of breath, wondering whether Spain were going to enlighten me about the bleeding and cramps, instead I was invited to try Viagra and Cialis and meet my perfect love match online but no word from Spain.
G got busy packing and being organised, my energy levels were low (probably due to the immense lack of iron currently parting with my body).

‘Er hello yes I am phoning about some oestradiol results, my name is H’ I left my number on the answer machine, it was midday, I should have had the results, 15 minutes later, Fiona called, a chirpy voiced fertility lab person.
‘Hiya, yes it is 925 pmol-L’
‘Is that good?’
‘You’re a receipient aren’t you, I am afraid I don’t know I am used to stimulating follicles, sorry.’
‘oh ok then’
‘It would be about mid cycle if that is any help’
‘Ok thank you so much bye’
I email Spain and spend the rest of the day either clutching my abdomen or refreshing my inbox.
No word from them, we just have to go, we pack and I fall asleep infront of the tv after a couple of glasses of wine. The next day is going to come regardless.

Sunday 11th February 2007

I can’t sleep, I am awake pretty much most of the few hours before we have to get up. First thing I do is check the ‘under carriage’. Lighter, definitely lighter but the pain is still there. We rise, I am willing myself to be calm and for G to be calm, he panics more then I do, bless him, slightest potential problem and he goes into over drive. I manage to steer him away today by keeping myself serene but strong and cutting him off mid flap.Outside the dark, still night, is refreshing, both the beginning and the end of a long story in our lives. I pop cards in the neighbours’ door, announcing a number to call should our house be invaded by wilder beast while we are away (or something similar).

I stand and wait for G by the car, he, rather chivalrously, (and completely out of character) has offered to bring down my bags. I stand taking in the 4 am air, the sounds of the bird song lilting on the branches of trees. All are aleep, the world goes round and we are off to Spain with hopes and monumentos fears. I love this world though no matter what, the magic of early mornings, the splattering of light upstairs in houses, the routine for people and their lives, (hang on a minute it is Sunday, why are there still people getting up at 4 am)!!

My father drives us to Gatwick, South. The skiiers are out in force and there is a stampede of Ugg Boots. I give my Dad a lingering hug, he is an emotional stick and says in slightly wavering voice ‘We’ll be thinking of you’.

We slip through the terminal in what has to be the quickest check in, in the history of mind numbing check in ques, we swooped straight in and swooped out with some rather dandy seats to ourselves at the back of the plane.

A few arbitary glances at accesorize and a muffin with fruit smoothie later and we are boarding the Monarch flight to Malaga. I have read articles on people who have done exactly what we are doing so many times, re-read the text until my eyes went blurry and now here we are doing exactly what so many before us have done, we are living the dream (sounds awfully american does it not!)
In the airport I had a quick peek ‘downstairs’, suddenly it had stopped, I start to feel myself allowing the relief to creep in. I walk out of the toilets beaming, they must of wondered what on earth I had been doing in there.

‘Simon?’ I have spotted our travel co-ordinator (husband to the nurse at the IVF clinic conveniently enough).‘H’ we shook hands at Malaga arrivals lounge after so many conversations on the phone, ‘G’ he said extending his hand to my better half.

We weaved in and out of mostly Spanish travellers (relief) and hopped into the waiting carriage, which happened to be a very nice Jag. And RELAX.

The clinic are thinking of flying over english donors for IVF, paying them and giving them subsidised flights and hotel costs according to Simon. Seems mad doesn’t it, don’t think he appreciated my tale of the winking doctor and his summary of what is going on in the NHS and the fact he has a clinic down the road from us, famous case of my mouth talks and my brain switches off but I think Simon got the jist, all tha same, that we think the UK stinks at egg donation IVF through the NHS (fortunately for him and his Mrs I guess).

So here I am sitting on a balcony outside our double room, over looking a little mariner, with a collection of boats bobbing on the lazy Spanish waves, Sunshine, (about 21 degrees at some points today), the mountains a backdrop to the brilliant white cubes that disappear into the distance and look like blobs of snow on the hillside. People amble along the tasteful promenade arm in arm, sweater over their shoulders and in the distance I can here a crowd at the stadium, a bull fight (unfortunately but hey ho you can’t have everything). On a brief reccy we spy the clinic nestled opposite our four star hotel above a computer shop.
‘H hi I thought I would give you a ring to make sure you have got here safe and sound’
It’s the call I have been waiting for, Simon very kindly gave us a mobile to be contacted on and for UK people to contact us on which is far cheaper than our one. We need to be contactable at all times for obvious reasons.
Since my elation at Gatwick the cramps returned and I have slipped into blood loss again.
‘Listen I spoke to Dr B and he says the fluid on your scan is the scarring from the polyp removal, your uterine lining is great and your hormone levels are fantastic’
OH MY GOD!
‘But I am still bleeding is that ok?’‘Well it’s not ideal, but Dr B is going to Scan you to see for himself, but it could be that your body is asking for the Progesterone that you are going to start taking on Tuesday anyway’
‘Oh ok’
‘So you are going to be seeing me on Tuesday at 12.00, the eggs would have been taken from the donor and we shall scan you to see what is going, oh yes and bring the money as you will need to pay for the procedure too, any questions call me on the mobile Simon gave you’.
I feel happier, but still concerned we could part with all that money only for my naughty uterus to flush out the little embryos. Anyway in the words of a great risk taker......

‘ he who dares rodders, he who dares’.

Monday 12th February

The night was airless and I excaped to the balcony at 7am, wrapped in a blanket I watched the sunrise over the sea, the waning moon hung crescent shaped, in the sky with saturn and venus at it’s side (I have a nifty calender that tells me what is going on in the sky in the mornings, apparently Saturn and Venus will be buggering off out of view again soon so it was nice to witness their brief appearance). Can’t tell you how wonderful it is to be here (in the words of Otis) watching the boats come in and watch them roll away again. The hotel is fantastic, clean, modern with just enough chic to make you feel special, we were very lucky to get this place, with all it’s facilities, use of gym, spa (at a price), swimming pool etc. It is conveniently placed opposite the clinic too which is great.

I have finally stopped bleeding and all is well (apart from the dull ache I experience every so often).
‘Would madam like a juice?’ A smart looking waiter greeted us at breakfast, there was an array of freshly squeezed smoothie mixtures to welcome us.

As promised by Simon the whole breakfast experience was definitely a winner. The choice was amazing and I got my fresh melon and some juicy sweet fresh pineapple. Champagne was even an option if we wanted it. We were like a couple of cheshire cats, we were drinking in the holiday feeling, purely enjoying being away.We spent the morning by the pool, I did some work, and G slept, then we headed off into the ‘old town’ of Marbella, twisting Andalucian pathways and whitewashed Spanish churches making way to a superb old town square, filled with alfresco cafes and art galleries, we walked and ate and drank and walked and took photo’s we discussed getting a camper van and buggering off round europe in a couple of years time (probably in an attempt to forget what we are here for), 6 months travel, nice dream, maybe, we’ll see, we’ll get home and suddenly the priority will be the Sainsburys delivery.(although somehow I think not).

A great day of holidaying, I sit here on the balcony, tapping away on the laptop, thinking to myself this evening will be a pampering evening, a deep hot bubble bath with my travel candle, fake tan and a razor. Pluck, squeeze and moisturise ready for the IVF day tomorrow. I am being scanned and the eggs are being retrieved, part of me wants to camp outside the clinic to see the donor arrive, see what she looks like, is she like me? But part of me knows it would not be good idea.The romantic idea that we will meet the nurse tomorrow and she announces that the resemblence to the donor is uncanny and she has never before come across two people so similar that aren’t related, is a pretty unrealistic one. I have begun to formalise what will happen to our child if this is successful, they will learn Spanish at Pre-school age and I will go to evening Spanish lessons too, I have tried to pursuade G but that needs work. I realise as I type this it is foolish to even let myself think along such lines at this point, we still have such a long way to go. I do know though, that I won’t keep it from the child, they will be special and will have some roots here in Spain and I want them to have every opportunity to investigate what is part of them and who they are. If, of course, we get past the next million, gigantic mountain like hurdles.

Tuesday 13 February 2007

We indulged in Paella last night but I stupidly wouldn’t eat the crustations I had been looking forward to. I worried about the possibility of being ill, so now I am officially in panic mode, or at least overly worried mode. Despite this I managed to sleep last night and woke at about sunrise again, which is strange as I have an alarm clock at home that is a fake sunrise, it’s supposed to beat the winter blues, maybe I have tuned into being woken up by the chink of orange light coming through the curtains. If anything is going to beat the winter blues it is being here, how I envy the people that spend the winter in their Spanish apartments.Another feast of fresh melon this morning and a refreshing array of pleasant looking Spanish waiters, which is nice.G and I had very healthy options this morning, perhaps thinking it would make a difference to the day ahead, but in reality, was neither here nor there, what was going to be, was going to be, G’s little swimmers would have been manufactured 3 months ago anyway, just about the time he was getting pissed almost on a daily basis, eating copious amounts of rich food and smoking himself into oblivion over the festive season. So the lazy gits will probably be in a drunken heap at the bottom of his loins, desperately reaching for the alka seltzer, and suffering from hacking coughs, the idea of fighting to get into an egg is the last thing on their minds.

We mooch about in the morning, I plug into G’s PDA and listen to my relaxtion hypnosis MP3 while sitting in a comfy chair in the sunshine on the balcony . It makes me laugh at the beginning, the blokes voice sounds like a wide boy shouting across a bar, then all of sudden he goes all hypno, and before you know it you are melting into his soothing words, thinking of alsorts but in a nice way.
I am sure I had a visualisation meditation type thing, it was very soothing whatever it was.

After suitably forcing relaxtion on myself via the words of ‘Gordon’ Whatshisface, I shower. Then G showers, then we kiss and look at each other, ‘Lets get this show on the road’, and we amble over the road to the clinic, to meet our destiny.

‘You have 8 eggs and Dr B will be scanning you to make sure your lining is still ok and to find out where the bleeding is coming from’ She was a friendly faced nurse with a great reassuring light heartedness, she hugged me when we met, which was sort of what I needed although took me by surprise.
‘I have stopped’‘Fantastic, well he will scan you anyway to see how things are going, and I will take your blood to check the hormone levels again. G needs to do his bit today and then we will see how the development of the cell division is going and ascertain which are the strongest and haven’t fragmented, we are looking for transfer to be Thursday if we have definate strong ones if they are all strong then we will give them another day in which case it could be Friday’

8 eggs, that’s amazing, we are sharing eggs with another couple so the donor has done very well, weirdly enough 8 is my numerology number (I know I shall try and stop talking bollocks, but I believe in all that crap, or at least I try and cling to positives……. also we have the number 8 mobile for them to reach us on....spooky).

She talked for a while about what would be happening, but my brain is turning to jelly and I can’t for the life of me remember every detail(she says it is the hormones making my brain do this, I tell this to G every month so now I can get away with it officially)!, her mouth was moving but my mind was two steps behind.

Basically Thursday is Embryo Tranfer day, THE BIG ONE! As from tonight I will be shoving little bullets of Progesterone into my front bottom twice a day swallowing 2mg of Progynova 3 times a day and keeping myself as relaxed as possible which is not easy for me!

After the transfer I am to do nothing for 24 hours, literally, bed rest, while G becomes my Slave and I become his Slob as the nurse put it, I just hope it takes place on Thursday which means we can take the going home slowly, already I am worried about work and kids bashing into my precious cargo, will have to tell my colleague I had an operation or something and she will have to do heavy stuff.

Then the next hurdle is pregnancy test, blood test, to see what lies ahead, there are 4 types of pregnancy result (of course, how could we expect it to be straight forward), high – ‘Oh mama, you are going to be a BIG mama multiple birth type scenario’, positive – Yep, you are officially up the duff, medium – mmm well yes you are but perhaps have another test abit later on to make sure it is not an early miscarriage and negative. So what nail biting joy we have awaiting us in roughly 15 days time. Of course if I have the test done on the NHS we could be waiting 4 years for the result and so I wonder whether to go private again at the WD’s clinic for that bit. 15 days, will feel like 15 years.
‘Anything above 8mm is good’ said Dr B as he shoved his probe into my lady area. I had my first taste of the stirrups, legs a kimbo, not the most flattering pose. I look at the screening always expecting to see something but never understand what I am looking at. He highlighted my uterus and pointed out the lining to me.‘So, we go from there, to there’ and he drew a dotty line on the screen indicating the thickness of the lining.‘9mm’ ‘Oh good,’‘Yes that is good and now I will look at the ovaries……oh they are very small, yes the right is very small….and the left……oooh yes very small, they are tiny’(alright don’t rub it in)
‘That’s radiation for you’ I said sort of forgetting I was talking to a Dr, ‘and chemotherapy’
‘Yes, right’
He mentioned them no more, I always sort of hope that one day I will be scanned and they will say that there are some eggs and they are normal, or even ‘My god you are pregnant, well looks like you have healed yourself so you won’t be needing us anymore, congratulations’.

Maybe I should start wishing for world peace instead, there is more chance of that………

OK so I allow myself to feel slightly pleased, G on the other hand is not quite as pleased, apparently his sample was not great, he felt it wasn’t what it could be (too busy with their hangovers deep down in the depths of his dangly bits). Well we are having ICSI so the lazy gits don’t have to swim they just have to be good at fertilising. Fingers crossed, it is all in the lap of the gods or whatever now.

We part with the cash 4,770 euros, just like that, no wonder they are having new 3d 4d scanning machines delivered the day we arrive, oh well the money is going to a good place and to good people.

G said as we walked up the stairs he saw a young couple waiting to go home, he wondered if it was the donor, I wish I had seen, he said the girl was very pretty, I am sure he said it to make me feel good, who knows I doubt it could of been her in the same place as us at the same time who knows, best we don’t.

We left on a high, feeling like a honeymooning couple we don’t let go of each other for most of the day. Even if we are just slightly touching.
The mobile is charged waiting to hear the news of the cells and what they are up to, we should hear tomorrow.

We bought a token gift for the donor, a bracelet, with silver circles and crosses on, hugs and kisses, I put it in a heart shaped chocolate box and will take it to the clinic tomorrow or Thursday when we go in. The woman we bought it from had her baby in the shop (well she didn’t HAVE her baby in the shop, that would have been slightly unexpected), I couldn’t help but look at the little mite, fast asleep on it’s back in the pram, part of me wondering, well you know. Still a long road ahead, must remain strong and open minded.

Is it me or are there babies everywhere at the moment?

Wednesday 14th February 'Valentines Day' aaaaaaah

Awoke to a rosey fingered sunrise this morning, the pink and orange light was streaming through the open balcony door and the net curtain was idolly lolloping on the gentle breeze. I slipped in and out of consciousness and had a rather delicious dream about Jamie Oliver, how lovely he visits me in my dreams on valentines day.

I feel smug, so far things have surprised me in a good way, I am now on progesterone as well as oestrogen as well as folic acid, I am surprised I don't rattle.

Perhaps it is the hormones making me feel so good and so cheesily honeymoonish..... So what if I forget who I am sometimes.

We enjoyed another glorious breakfast although, my hunger was not as ferocoius as previous visits. We decided to shop for my friend who recently had a baby boy and Gs' friend who recently had a baby girl. We venture to the old town carrying the all important mobile that would tell us the embryonic score, which we got in the middle of a purchase in a beautiful shop selling colourful wooden toys which had a Spanish chic. (I purchased a rather lovely wooden music box that played Spanish music as two magnetic clowns clumsily bobbed in little dancing circles infront of a circus tent, the hormones are really kicking in I was besotted with it's cuteness I hope her baby likes it as much as me!)

'Well you have 4 good ones unfortunately 2 eggs were not mature enough to do ICSI, and 2 failed to meet the grade but it looks like we will be transferring tomorrow, the embryologists are pleased with the 4, but to be doubley sure we will leave them overnight and I will phone you first thing in the morning'.

I am extremely pleased initially but then ask about freezing two remaining,She tells me to just wait until tomorrow where we should get and idea of which two ae the best.

After my first feeling of elation I discuss with G and we suddenly realise we may not have a second chance with the frozen ones, they always put two back and the likely hood of two surviving the thawing process is unlikely. I like the idea of my donor now, the fact she is Spanish is interesting to me, I feel sad that we may have just one shot with this ladies eggs. I also wonder what happened to the immature eggs? I shall have to ask tomorrow. You really are in complete trust with the clinic.

So tomorrow is D day.

Tonight we shall drink champagne and go to a lovely seafood restaurant on the sea front, over looking the sea, still with hope in our hearts on valentines day, for the four little transformers eagerly multiplying in the petry dish, I just hope two of them will like their new environment!

The waiting room

2007-02-09T07:35:00.000-08:00

Got a text message from my friend, she had a little baby boy at 5.05am this morning. 6lb's all is well. 5.05 that was just about the time I woke up with the mantra 'stop bleeding, stop bleeding, stop bleeding' going round in my head while I clenched my abdominal muscles nipping off to the loo to sort myself out and see how bad it was...... bad.

I cried going to work and I cried AT work today, a colleague was talking to me, I had confided our 'Spanish trip' with her a while back, she knew I was going off to be scanned and I explained that I felt it may not go ahead next week because of me losing the lining and the tears came, just as one of the children slipped over on some ice, I bent down and comforted them, secretly blubbing into their shoulder while they blubbed into mine. Then managed to gather myself and become 'Miss' again, asking them not to throw ice at each other, wipe their noses and line up at the gate to go in.

I went for my scan shortly after, I hate all this time off of work, I am sure they will get pissed off with me, but as I said before, hopefully they would of forgotten after half term. I sat in the first waiting room of the day. I watched all of the expectant mothers nervously carrying their 'pregnancy pack' being escorted with their partners into little rooms. A teenage mother came in with her 'fella' and her 'cousin' and her baby, patting her stomach, ''nuvver one on the way, I wanna have 4 you know, can't wait for this one to come......LILY GET YOUR ARSE OFFER THERE'.

I sat trying to stop what my uterus was doing 'Stop bleeding, stop bleeding, stop bleeding'.

My name was called after half an hour, I was dreading having to go through the whole story of why I was there again, facing the NHS riot act. I nervously went in. The lady smiled and I blurted it out my concerns and what I was doing and how I was worried and and...... She carried on smiling and seemed empathetic, 'You poor thing' she said 'Lets see whats going on' She popped the probe in 'It's fine' she said, but I don't think she understood what the situation was and how desperate I was that this cycle worked. She noticed a tiny little fluid thing on the picture and asked if I could be pregnant. I just tilted my head back and wanted to laugh like a mad person. 'No, I don't think so'.

The report was ok, not too worrying but then it didn't really tell me what I had to do next. I was so happy that she didn't judge me though, that she listened, felt sorry for me and said she would be thinking about me when I left. You see what does that cost? EXACTLY. It doesn't have to be about funding, it shouldn't be about funding, it should be about caring and making a difference to someones life if you can, making a hard situation easier if you can, not for grilling you and making you feel like a criminal, why do that? I felt better even though I had no answers and the lining was down to 8mm from the bleeding which is what it was before I started the hormones, so back at the beginning effectively with only a matter of days before Embryo Transfer.

She printed me a copy of the report and I made my way to the appointment I had made with the WD's Private Clinic for an oestradiol blood test, to check I am absorbing the hormones (as suggested by Spain).

I arrive slightly early to a newly decorated Victorian Palace, I ring the bell and a smartly dressed lady lets me in. A sweeping staircase is in the hallway, elegantly twisting its way up to the second floor. The floor was newly laminated and the whole place looked like a brand new Trendy London Lounge type affair. It was very impessive.

'I am afraid we are running late we have one nurse on today and she is doing bloods and scans take a sit in the waiting room' and she guided me through to an urban chic, living room area with fresh coffee to help yourself to and vast quantities of mineral water, the latest edition of 'Hello' and 'OK' neatly laid on the coffee table designed by Conran. Voluptiuous brown leather sofa's beckoning you to sit and pout on them with your clique of trendy pals, next to them the lime Green faux leather chairs, which added a plucky statement.

I felt I had stumbled into a London clinic to the stars. The only thing that let it down was the NHS'esque' one person manning the whole show type scenario, leaving paying customers with a 2 hour wait, not quite inkeeping with the ambient decor.

I parked myself on the lime green numbers, next to the coffee perculator and mineral water, there were some very well dressed couples and the odd woman alone, well dressed of course, except me who was covered in paint, glitter and splatters of mud up my trousers, hair a mess, face even worse. I reached for 'OK' and fixed my sights on the fact Jade was having a nervous breakdown.

We all sat there pretending not to sneak a peak at each other, all knowing why we were there but not daring to interact. Such a secret world we were probably all itching to find out each others stories, but noone did, noone ventured down the forbidden path that could quite possibly help us all.

A lady asked me when my appointment was.
'1pm' I said 'whens yours?'
'12.30'
'Is this your lunch break?'
'Oh I work from home today, but I am meeting someone at 2pm'
'oh hope you get there ok'
'yea'
And that was it, how terribly British is that, if I were anywhere else we would be discussing embryo transfers and the cryo genic process and whether my partners swimmers were up to the challenge.

Sad isn't it.

Time passed, inevitably and finally I was called by a young attractive lady in a pair of those ER blue pyjama's.

She seemed very rushed and couldn't wait to get the needle in and the vial filled. I discussed my endeavour but she wasn't interested, she knew the urgency and that was all that mattered, the emotional stuff was by the by, she had no time for that.

£25 later, the vial is full, and I am required to post it myself and hope that the results will be phoned through to me in the morning.

If I am not responding to hormones, I am buggered I think, so fingers very firmly crossed on that one.

It is either the polypectomy or the large amount of hormones that have caused this bleed I personally would say, but, one thing is definately for sure, I am bleeding and it seems to be stopping for noone. There is nothing I can do.

I get an email from Spain explaining the donor is responding well and is all on track, will know tomorrow date of transfer.

Yea thanks, typical donor is peachy, it is me that has f****d it up. I looked on internet, 8mm is not great and I am still bleeding.

Have stopped talking to the uterus now, very disappointing behaviour, I do wonder though whether Spain gave me too much hormone to take, I don't think I remember taking 6mg on my dummy run 3 years ago, maybe I did, I should of tried to find out and told them from the start, it's only a little uterus, mind you they knew that from my first scan result, they know what they are doing, my Uterus is just a little shit.

Well at least I can get drunk in Spain and eat Paella and Tapas if I don't get ET'd. Will definately try for funding for the local clinic if this goes tits up, you have got have a plan B, as long as I have a plan B my sanity will remain in tact.(I think).

x

Bleeding Hell.

2007-02-08T11:31:00.000-08:00

I am bleeding.

You know that lovely uterus I was talking about a couple of blogs ago, well the cheeky monkey has turned against me, I am very cross with it. It has conformed for the last 3 years, merrily responding to hormones, bleeding when it should, bouncing about in my abdomen content to have cycles generated by horse wee and now, at this crucial time it decides to play silly buggers. 6mg I am on 6 WHOLE MG's of Oestradiol Valereate or whatever you call it, (ladies hormones) and my uterus should not, I reapeat NOT be shedding it's lovely satin sheets just yet, no, no no it should not be shedding at all. It hasn't done this when I was on 2mg for the last 3 years so why should it do it on 6? My uterus has turned against me, telling me who is in control and not to forget it.

Why has this happened? I email Spain from my work pretending to be looking up snowmen on the internet, one of my colleagues sits down next to me, she starts making small talk about planning and I am hoping she is not peering at the computer screen to see my frantic 'I am bleeding' messages to the nurse in Spain.

When I get the reply at home the Nurse just tells me to wait until the scan tomorrow and we can take it from there and then expects me to organise an oestrogen blood test through the NHS in the space of a day? (Er no chance) I leave a message on the WD's answer machine begging for a blood test at his private clinic to see if I am absorbing enough oestrogen.

I thought this was complicated.......it is now.

You got to laugh though haven't you, do you think someone is telling me I shouldn't have a baby? So much effort for just a GO at ED IVF. We haven't even tried yet and we might fail at the first bloody hurdle.

BLOODY, BLOODY HURDLE!

My tummy started cramping it felt like a propar period(I hate that word), the pain is easing slightly like it might twindle, I hope it does, I don't know whether I am delirious, insane, or just plain crazy but I have a sense of amusement about me, is it denial? Is it a nervous breakdown? why aren't I crying with despair at the unfortunate turn of fate that has just occured. I just feel happy not to be working next week, I am sure the pain will come if it does get cancelled, oh yes, it will come. Along with the realisation we have parted with £1,500 just for this to happen.

I just feel so tired of it all now, the battle, the up hill feeling, there never seems to be a summit in sight.

Scan tomorrow, work is covered I can take my time, I think the tears welling up in my eye's as I requested it from my Headmistress indicated to her that it was quite important (either that or I am having a nervous breakdown)

Come on uterus we can do this, WE CAN!

2007-02-06T08:33:00.000-08:00

What is going on in the NHS? It is truly falling apart and I feel so guilty for asking to be scanned by my local hospital.

I left a training session early today having broken a tooth on one of the courtesy toffees available (typical), I exit in a sly way, my colleague probably thinking I am no longer interested in my job as I keep darting off all of the time. I went for my heart scan, I phone the receptionist who first of all thought I had missed the appointment the other day, then remembered I was that annoying b**** who kept changing her appointment. After entering the hospital car park, already 10 minutes late I am faced with a 5 mile tail back into the public car park. Sod that, perspiration forming on my brow I reverse frantically and head for the staff car park, getting doctors and surgeons to wait for me while I do, possibly the worse piece of parking in my life.

Abandoning my car balancing on a large curb, I race into the building. If Chemo and radiation didn't damage my heart all this IVF prep and organising will. I am cardiogrammed by a handsome doctor, from behind! So weird seeing your heart on a monitor, it looked like a floppy throat thing (the dangly bit at the back) or the valve I could see did, twitching like a fish out of water, amazing that it does that for so long, such dedication, I don't have to do anything, amazing piece of kit!

So my ticker is fine. I give thanks and praise to the doctor for his efforts and then apologise for my hasty exit but I had to rescue my car.

I arrive home frantic about my next dilemma, to get scanned on the 9th, I decide to give up going to my local hospital who's ultrasound department seems largely unmanned most of the time, I have phoned continuously, been there in person, everything it's like a 'ghost town'. I phone the WD's private clinic.

'Hi can I book an ultrasound scan for Friday?'

'Oh hi H yes I got your message of course would, you like to book 3 for £400 we do quite a few ladies who are being treated abroad?'

'Er, not thanks, how much is one?'

'£175'

Surely I should get a free massage with that or something, I book it anyway, and resign myself to the fact I have to go off sick on Friday, SHIT, really don't want to as was off last Friday, have to though, no way round it can't ask for more appointment time off.

Then I decide to give the 'ghost town' one last try. I get through and say how my doctor had referred me over two weeks ago and I still haven't got an appointment (which is true), inside I am feeling like an armed robber raiding two old ladies running a charity shop. I said how it had to be the 9th Feb. The lady apologised and she went to ask her senior

'Yes that's right Barbara, the ladies been waiting over two weeks to get the appointment through, yes, yes oh I see perhaps you could speak to her then'

An elderly lady came to the phone.

'Hello, the problem is you see you have had your appointment, we don't have funding for anymore, most people are allocated funding for one scan every 3 months, you had one on the 15th'

I am so evil, I feel so awful like I am turning off loads of ventilators all at the same time.

'Yes I know, the thing is I had one on the 9th and there was no record of the report that was made so I had another one on the 15th where they found a polyp, then I had a hysteroscopy and a polypectomy the following week' Suddenly I found myself confessing to a whole string of offences.

'This scan was for my lining'

'Yes but we don't have funding for egg donation IVF'

'I know I am sorry, I realise how things are and the lack of funding'

'Lack of, there is none'

'Should I call Dr W (WD) then to discuss it with him do you think?' The head honcho who winks.

'yes perhaps you should and see what he says, oh hang on..........let me have a look and see if you are in the diary'

Suddenly a shaft of light appears on the horizon like a Beacon of hope, her voice had changed to a helpful one.

'You see if you have had a procedure done, then thats different, you would be eligible for one as a follow up, that changes it you see'

OH MY GOODNESS ! I may be able to get an appointment.

'Yes if you come at 11.30am .......you will have to wait, there are only two members of staff scanning that day'

'I don't mind, really I don't mind, I will wait, I will take the day off of work' (bugger).

I thank her perhaps too much, then realise I will have to face an interrogation of the scanner person who will also treat me like a sponging no gooder and will stick the probe in extra hard, like she did last time. I feel so bad, like I am a real con artist.

G's sister is a nurse, she said the local NHS trust has been trying to get them to work a shift for nothing! What is happening to it all, I knew it was bad but not this bad.

I shall probably wake to my car splattered with eggs or something, UV jelly smeared on my windscreen.

Thankgoodness if I go sick Friday, it is half term and the teachers would arrive back in a hopefully, relaxed mood and will forget about my slacking!(as long as there is no more when I get back!!!!).

Sheesh, am looking forward to being able to put my feet up next week, albeit, in stirrups!

The Complex

2007-02-04T10:56:00.000-08:00

I am not sure I am being the receipient I am supposed to be, drinking 3 glasses of wine and not really paying attention to my uterus and the vibes I should be sending it.

Today, the day after the night before, I topped up on hair of the dog, (not in a bad way) I just had a couple of glasses. I was so good last night and only drank guiness, for the iron content, it has lots, and so that is what I drank, I am sure it is good for you, my mum drank guiness a couple of times when she was actually pregnant with my brother. I am not obviously, pregnant, I am just preparing a little nook for something to start growing in. Should I be drinking?

Perhaps I should email Spain........again.

I am sure it is fine as long as I am looking after myself in every other way, ok, now I feel guilty.

I have one shot at this (for the time being) we have spent time and money getting to this point and I still can't give up the booze.

I have been drinking herbal tea like there is no tomorrow though too, eating all organic food. Surely the hospital should be advising me on what I should and shouldn't be doing, surely they should give out a little 'pack' explaining the do's and don'ts of looking after yourself in the run up to implantation. Sounds like something from 'Lost' doesn't it!

We told my closest best friend last night, what was going on, he was banging on at me to book a trip away to see a mutual friend in Lyon, and a trip to the Lake District. I had to tell him, to get him off my case, why we couldn't be tied to anything, he was trying not to be excited and assured us it would go no further. I just feel the more people know the less chance it will happen, how bloody weird is that, although I feel good he knows in a way then I can cry and be mad quite openly if things don't work out.

Another friend was up the pub for my partners birthday, she is about to give birth within the next few days, we grew up together, she is the same size as me, same age, we did drama together, she has a gorgeous neat bump, and her baby will be beautiful. I feel no jealousy when I am with her I just feel that I am behaving weirdly and everyone knows about what we are doing and are expecting me to act like a mad woman or something. I can't explain that I just don't feel like that, I feel as happy for her as I would do if I could have kids myself. When she announced her (publicly unplanned but secretly planned) pregnancy, I did have a twinge, a little pang of 'My god, it is happening they are all having babies, my girlfriends I grew up with, they have finally succombed and are doing it how am I supposed to behave' I knew the day would come, I knew it was inevitable, I did get a little upset initially, don't know why, well I do, but, it was because it was her, someone who was a bit like me, someone who fancied my boyfriends and was never allowed out too late and who's mum picked us up at 3am from night clubs, her who came on holiday with us to Cornwall, drank copious amounts of gin and always had a good tale, her who played a role with me at an Edinburgh Fringe Production when we were at school. She was having a baby and I blatently wasn't.

Time has proven a healer, and the more exposure I have to her bump the easier I find it. I stroke it, probably manically, when I see her, probably abit disconcerting if you are attached to the bump.

I probably have a weird grimace smile on my face the whole time, she probably can't wait to get away from me. She looks great, she is great, I hope she doesn't think I am weird!

Anyway, I came up to do some work on the computer after a day of eating pheasant and drinking wine. I feel relaxed, the woodburner is ....burning, and I want to get infront of it but I need to do work and instead I am blogging.

Well I am going to blog off now, 4mg now, I won't drink for the rest of the week I am on the middle layer of uterine lining I guess, I visualise it in my mind as a velvet layer in a little red lit silky chamber, like an exclusive lounge bar for the rich and famous, and because of my drinking this layer is going to be laced with alcohol so if anything bounces of it, it would have a little whoosh of 'Chablis'. Tuesday I will be working on the final layer, the top and so I make a promise to myself to provide nothing but good for that one so a visualisation of a bed of folic acid cushions and a stream of purified water, tibetan meditation bells ringing in the distance, red silk sheets and yoga.

Hey, you crazy uterus, I love you.

H x

The gun has been fired !!

2007-02-02T07:57:00.000-08:00

Donor has started her meds I just got an email from Spain, so the timings remain the same, hooray for the moon, hooray for women. The bank transfer is going to happen immenently and I have a slight twinge of excitement, a rather large portion of which is turning into panic as I realise I have to be scanned on the 9th of Feb and have not had my appointment through from my local hospital, excitable panic is spilling over into worry, I fear it maybe another onslaught of talking myself into the NHS system again. The winking doctor is appearing in my mind, I phone his secretary, of course, it is Friday, there is noone there they are all down the pub at 4pm I expect, how dare they have lives outside of my IVF cycle.

This could mean more time off work, cringe.

I need to leave training early on Tuesday to have my heart looked at!! It has been blasted with so much radiation and chemo they just want to be sure it won't go pop if I do end up with a paella in the oven. Last week I had two days off for the winking doctor, and I am sitting here today with a sore throat thinking why the buggery didn't I drag my aching bones into work. Bugger. Bugger.

I can't lie, this is my problem, I go to these scans and tell them how guilty I feel for using up a resource that hasn't been allocated to me (well I don't really but I don't lie about what we are doing)they get all sniffy and start talking about funding, quite rightly so I suppose, a friend of mine died recently because the Royal Marsden didn't have a back up oscillating ventilator to support his disintegrated lungs (the result of a toxic reaction to the chemo for Testicular Cancer). I have to get everything in perspective, but I am sure that one scan is not going to change that, I pay my taxes I have never claimed benefit, I pay national insurance and always have done. I am a good person, I just need one scan, one tiny little endometrial scan.

I shall send an email to the private clinic run by the WD, just to enquire about a private scan, then surely they would include emailing pictures to Spain and stuff if need be, I would have the option of a light lunch or cream tea with my scan and be given my own towelling robe and they would perform it all after my working day, won't they?

So, 4mg tomorrow, then 6 on the 6th, my bumper pack of folic acid arrived today too.

I now have to enourage the existence of some kind of happy place I can go to that doesn't involve Jamie Oliver and a sturdy work top, that of course is the other place I go to sometimes.

IVF Travel Solutions

2007-02-02T03:10:00.000-08:00

Spoke to our travel contact last night, he called, as I was pouring myself a large glass of wine, full of a throat infection, feeling under the weather, determind not to infuse my ueterus with paracetemol or anything too chemical based.

'So did you want to go ahead with the hotel with the side sea view and breakfast option, you know you can always use the sister hotels spa facilities and indulge in the heated pool'

All of this is a distraction from the fact that I will be desperately trying to hold on to an embryo inside of me, the luxury treatment helps, the fact that the hotel does a fantastic breakfast and all the high flying business contacts our travel co ordinator has, raves about it, there is no getting around the fact I am so uncertain of the future at this point and am desperately trying to find solice in the fact I may consume some fresh melon in the mornings.

'See you a week Sunday then!' he said in a jolly -sub-text-of-how-should-I-sound kind of way.

My boyfriend wanted to watch the film 'Jack and Sarah' last night, as it was his birthday I could hardly say no.
I could feel the motherly instinct tugging at my soul while we watched it, my mind in an attempt to keep my feet on the ground in retaliation tried to think of work, having my eyebrows plucked and walking on pins, but all I wanted to do was reach into the tv and give the cute little baby a nurturing hug.

I woke this morning to the sound of children going to school, my boyfriend, (g) slurped his tea and casually pondered what school they were going to and wondered was it any good. I wanted to scream at him 'DON'T SAY IT......WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING' my equilibrium is teetering on the brink.

The coming week is going to be the longest one in the history of my life, I am trying to refrain from emailing Spain everyday, the donor still hasn't started her meds which means there could be delays, she should of started them today weirdly on the night of a full moon meaning her cycle is inline with the cycle of the moon (sort of, I am trying to harness as much nature in my mind as possible even though what I will be doing is going against every grain of nature there is, but I guess there are just some things you have got to have), I informed my employer a couple of weeks ago of our plans I am hoping I will not have to pool on her empathetic resource, she has been a great support, albeit not quite sure how she was supposed to react, she mustered 'congratulations' through a nervous grimace and beads of perspiration when I told her what would be happening in half term, the fact I was planning far more than she was expecting me to plan for the next half of the spring term.

Come on moon, get the flow of nature moving, if you can do the entire water content of the planet surely you can do one little egg cycle. Pleeeeeease.

Me me me - Starting the cycle

2007-01-29T11:18:00.000-08:00

Suddenly realised I have written just about me, my poor boyfriend with whom I am sharing this whole saga of my life with, is probably having equally as tough time, even more so, he has to put up with me and my mood swings!

The chemist came up with the goods, I am sitting here looking at these tablets like they are the be all and end all of everything.

I have read the leaflet cover to cover.

I have absorbed as much of the essence of the visual asethetics of the packet as is humanly possible without actually taking one.

I am sure it will become some kind of profound ritual for me, the actual taking of the tablet, the water should be imbibed using a golden chalice encrusted with folic acid and positive vibes. I shall clutch onto a photo of a fertility temple in India that I paid homage to on my travels, wrapping a tiny piece of red cotton around a small piece of the temple, asking for it's fertility blessing, 10 years ago one foggy day in Delhi.

Tonight I commence the cycle with 2mg.

2 of your finest milligrams they shall be, especially for the 5 star hotel I am hoping to provide for one special resident.

So This is it!?

2007-01-27T10:00:00.000-08:00

Hard to believe that one uterus could go through so much and still be responding to hormones. I sit as I type this wondering who on earth is going to read this, probably me, and only me, but will I be reading it in 3 months time, stroking my belly smiling, feminine and glowing appreciating all that the universe has given me, or will I be rocking in a straight jacket stained with tears swearing at the world and cursing my existence and my useless body.

One thing is, it feels like it is never straightforward.
Since 1988, when I was told at the tender age of twelve, still swooning over Jason Donovan and listening to Bros, that the chemo and radiation had damaged my ovaries and that unfortunately meant no children.

If it wasn't for the fact I had watched the film 'Champion' one afternoon while aimlessly pulling out the last strands of my hair, I probably wouldn't have been told there and then like that. I saw '(Bob)Champion' and he started going on about chemo damaging fertility something about 'Jaffas', so I asked my mum, she in her typical honest way, confirmed that was indeed the case and best I knew now than later. True.

So I spent the next 15 years feeling inadequate.

Having gotten over a life threatening cancer at the age of 12, all I could think about was the fact I couldn't have children, I would never have one growing inside of me. I would never show off my bump. It stayed in the back of my mind for the whole of my existence. I could live with the temporary baldness and the lack of hormones and all that palava. What about my baby, there is one somewhere, somewhere in the universe waiting to be jetissoned into reality via some magical portal type umbilical spiritual connection type thing.

I had a wild (ish) teenage time, the usual, moshing, smoking, drink, boys, lovely boys. Infact I sort of became one of the boys, felt more at home with them. Perhaps the feminine thing passed me by the day my mum told me about the lack of baby prospect,
I was never into doing girly lunch and stuff I was more your pub lunch girl, half a lager and a game of darts and lots of flirting with my fellow drama students. I was fantastic at 'killer' and enjoyed every last drop of my drama/theatre time, loved it, the friends, the art the drink the laughs, what a beautiful time.

I ended up at 16 in what was going to be a 7 year relationship, he was the first one to say 'ok lets investigate this making miraculous babies thing' Fortunately I was under Great Ormond Street Hospital for Sick Children and they helped me in getting an appointment with Professor Winston, a key figure in infertility treatment and now a documentary presenter on the BBC.

The following year I go travelling the world, I sell a house that I had bought with my father and decide to bugger off for a year. Couldn't cope with the commitment of a mortgage and all that, that entails. My beloved and I parted. Not on bad terms but on ' so this is it' terms, he buggers off 6 months later meets a thai lady in Thailand, gets married and has a child with her in the space of a year. I had been with him for 7 whole years and had managed to drag him along for an IVF consultation once he used to come out in hives when I mentioned marriage!

So, feeling alittle inadequate once again, I march off into my destiny once more.

The prozac helped when I returned from my travels! A year spent in sunshine, with nothing more to do than move on to the next country, town, rainforest, desert was bound to set me up in some kind of ecstasy that wasn't going to last forever. I met so many interesting people from every different culture and background I saw so many awe inspiring sights. Standing, watching the sunrise over the himalayas to watching the Taj Mahal appear through a morning fog. My world was spectacular for a whole year, everything I saw was massive and I lived full on throughout that time, getting every kick I could get, pushing myself everyday to do something amazing.

Coming home to my ex beloved and his pregnant wife and a whole bunch of friends that weren't really into hearing my boring travelling tales sent me into a spiral of despair and self loathing.

But then things always do change and that is of course what happened.

I started a new life living in London, then Eton then back in my home town, hung around with some friends and ended up meeting my current boyfriend who I am venturing on the path of egg donation IVF with. We started it out as friends (as all the best cheesy songs go) but by god that is all I wanted us to be, I never dreamed we would get to this point together, but I couldn't imagine my life without him now. He annoyed the hell out of me and still does, he had no oomf and still doesn't, but I wouldn't change him.

So we fell in love and decided to tread the path of having a baby if we could.

Hurdle number 1: will my uterus have a blood supply?
Hurdle number 2 : will my uterus respond to hormones? (If I fall at either of these I am out of the race and, well, game over.)

I get referred by the wonderful Great Ormond Street Hospital to the UCLH in London for tests, to really see what the buggery is going on down there! (2004)

It is a hot steamy July. I am being investigated!

Baseline scans and prognova.

I am given hormones, first 2mg, then 4mg, then 6mg (I think) scanned weekly, the progression.

UCLH - 'You are responding well to the hormones, I don't think you will have a problem with egg donation IVF, 11mm was the best reading of your endometrium, there is nothing wrong with the blood supply'

I have a blood supply supporting my uterus, hoorah, who cares if I have nuclear waste for ovaries, the hotel is comfy and you can stay for free. I couldn't believe it!

UCLH - 'So we have confirmation that you have funding through the West Kent PCT, which is at Guys and St Thomas' we will refer you there as that is where the funding is, I must say though, best start looking for a donor now, if you want that funding' ( phrasing has been changed slightly but that is the jist.) Everything was moving in our favour.

Bouncing on the rays of happiness I leave the hospital building with a prescription for cyclo - progynova, the HRT, that will lull my uterus into a false sense of security that it is a real, propar, uterus and not just being supported by Horse Urine. I feel all is well and I will be pregnant in no time.

Find an egg donor......ok.......easy right?

Meet Guys and St Thomas'
' Hello, we have confirmation that you have funding with us, we need to find an altruistic egg donor that is known to yourselves as we do not adhere to supplying receipients with unknown egg donors, so perhaps a family member? a close friend? this is what we advise, the law in the UK is changing in April 2005, any donors submitting eggs will be contactable by any future offspring as soon as they reach 18, we realise that this has caused a shortage in egg donors, but appreciate that the way forward is to have someone you know offer you their eggs out of the kindness of their hearts and perhaps you could all work through the moral, awkward sticky mess yourselves'. (Wording has been slightly changed to emphasise the ridiculousness of the situation).

'Erm, ok I do have a female cousin who I haven't spoken to for 10 years as my parents fell out with her parents but I will see if she wants to give me her ovums'

We go away, slightly bemused but with hope in our hearts that we can have a free crack of the whip, we just need a whip to crack.

I spend hours over a heart felt letter, trying not to be too desperate, trying to appeal to the family spirit and genetic instinct. 'Please can you donate me your eggs.....' is what it boils down to.

I feel like a family failure, my mother was reluctant for me to contact her, she knew what the outcome would be, but I thought deep down in the genetic make up of all related females there would be something, something that would make us one, to help each other to solve a genetic problem within our family, to help the sisterhood.

'Sorry, too busy with my career, and don't want to give my prospective children up to someone I have vague memories of when I was 10, besides, my famliy are way above all that, we are genitically gifted and therefore will not be allowing anyone else into our little world, thanks for your card anyway and good luck for the future, your only female relative of donating age x'

OK.

Hard as it is, that is over with and I have erased that from the list of possibilities. We now have to work on advertising and how I go about it. I try to advertise in college publications, appealing to students, as my friend was when she donated her eggs, only to be told that it is ethically and morally wrong to do such a thing, and my adverts will not be accepted. Even my local doctors surgery refused to help with advertising, not even a little card on a pin board, 'It would be aginst the moral and ethic code of the practice'.

I put it all on the back burner and have my 30th birthday, decide to get drunk and pretend it all isn't happening. Verge on a nervous break down.

A college friend from 'killer' darts, drama days appears at my 30th, she is a love, and a charitable person and we get talking.

'Don't be daft, you know I would always donate my eggs for you, you know that don't you.'

I smile and think that she is wonderful but I could never ask her to do such a thing.

Days pass, weeks even. I send her an email.

'Thankyou so much for your offer when can you do it?'

I am ahead of myself, I have caught up with the philanthropic nature of my friend, believeing that we could do this together. I get a rather worried email back, the realisation of what she had said and the fact I had listened had hit her hard. She was just saying what she thought she should say, I realise that, but I was going to test the boundaries. We were friends, I knew her family but there was enough distance for us to cope with a resulting child, we had both moved on from the 'Killer' drama days, she had offered and was sincere but I knew deep inside, that noone could do this, noone could offer such a big part of their lives no matter how much good will and compassion they had.

'We need to meet' she told me

'I'll come up to you' I said
We met, wine was guzzled, tears were shed and the enevitable occured,
'I can't do it' her words melted into one another, I knew the outcome, I didn't have to listen. 2 years on from our first baseline scan at the UCLH and we were back at the beginnning. We couldn't advertise, we couldn't get family or friends we had no hope. I didn't want family or friends, I wanted our own baby, not a gift from someone, it had to be ours. I told her we had already made a descision anyway and that it didn't matter, it wouldn't of been right.

I decided one night after talking with the people I worked for at the time about it, she had told me a friend at a dinner party had spoken about egg donation IVF in Spain. I am forever grateful for this little piece of dinner party conversation.

I googled as if my life depended on it. Stumbled across an Observer Newspaper article, Sun, Sea and Sperm. A clinic in Spain offering 6 month waiting lists for infertile couples. This had to be the solution, suddenly it felt right.

Then a letter came.

'You no longer have funding at Guys and St Thomas' it is believed that you are seeking treatment abroad and therefore you are no longer a priority' In other words 'you are no longer part of the funding process so f*** off' .I cried, even though we had no donor and could use no funding, I cried, all the support had gone, all the NHS had gone, we were alone, it was selfish to want the funding when I knew we couldn't use it but it was hard to accept.

I contacted Spain, and then I contacted the West Kent PCT to find out about funding, where had it gone? Guys didn't want us to leave them, but without funding what was the point? PCT said 'Chaucer' I thought it was some code word, 'Chaucer' was some way of getting funding, like if you said it quickly through a keyhole somewhere it could open some magical doorway..... until I relaised that it was a hospital in Canterbury. They emailed me, they were full of support saying that even if we went to Spain for the treatment they may be able to fund us, they had done so with another couple, perhaps the magic was there.

Chaucer had no eggs, like all the other hospitals in the UK, There were no eggs, an egg sharing scheme exisited but the waiting list like all the others was at least 3 years long. Spain was our only option, unless I wanted to be carrying a papous around with my zimmer frame.

Chaucer did tests:
'It seems that your boyfriend has low motility'

Low motility, this happened at a test we had at Guys, he has low motility. A minor in the scheme of things, but still a smack in the face. I whine at him to give up smoking and stop wearing pants and stocked up on vitamins encouraging the lazy gits to swim.

It felt like we were fighting against everything.

We decided to enrol with the Spainish clinic that Chaucer had visited and confirmed that it had high success rates and was of a high standard, we applied for funding as we could not get eggs in the UK.

We were told by Chaucer, 'I am sure it will be fine, don't worry, we are here for you, (for a £800 flat fee of course)'

Despite the fact that a couple from East kent had been funded to go to Spain the PCT decided it was not feasible, it had been passed on to the Department of Health and they said that it was just not gonna happen. A possible review in March 2007.

We are fed up of waiting.

So thats it, we have to get a bank loan and do it all oursleves. Which is what we are doing, after 8 months on the waiting list in Spain we have a donor (same size as me, straight brown hair, brown eyes, but apart from that anonymous and quite rightly being paid for her amazing effort) and 3 weeks before we go to Spain, it has been discovered on a scan(that I had to wangle through my GP) that I have a polyp in my uterus. it takes ample time of begging my GP and blagging my way into the system before I manage to get myself an appointment to have the polyp removed just in time before I start the hormones for the IVF Cycle, 2 thank you cards later, a very kind doctor who is removing the polyp feels pity on me and my situation and explains that he is opening an IVF clinic just down the road from us and has had more eggs than you can shake a stick at, all for the taking, maximum of 3 month waiting list. He winks 'You see, your not supposed to know that.....let me know how things go....lets lean on the PCT.......things have got to change, use it as a back up plan' He winks again and smiles and I feel like crying he writes his details on a scrap of paper 'This is the easy bit' he says as he walks off into surgery. The first thing I asked for as I came round from the antesthetic was him, making sure he had done the surgery, he had become my saviour.

Why is it so hard?

£5000 bank loan later and it looks like we could of had a free go through a doctor down the road who is desperate to help the people who are willing to share their eggs so that they can have a free cycle and help people like me at the same time.

It is all so wrong.

Anyway our flights are booked, I start the hormones on Monday (God willing, the chemist is not coming up with the hormones needed fingers crossed they will be there Monday or there will be hell to pay, I haven't spent the last 3 years waiting only to be let down by a pharmaceutical supplier and a lazy chemist).

I just thank the gods, planets whatever, for people like the winking doctor, he gave me a number, he gave me some back up, some hope if all else fails, he'll be there, winking and the whole process will start again.

We fly out on the 11th February.

What will be my destiny next?

Watch this Space.

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