On the red stuff

So I have a kidney infection.



Hopefully my, not so efficient kidneys, will get rid of it but unfortunately I have been put on antibiotics.



Am exceedingly worried about the state of the NHS though, I know my mind should be on my haggered old kidneys but the consultant I saw right at the beginning of my pregnancy said I should, as requested by GOSH, have a cardiogram at 28 weeks, I have not had anything from a hospital to say that this referral has been made, on top of that my notes haven't been filled in proparly and the wrong patient number has been put on everything, so I had to phone the local hospital to find out what has happened to my 28 week cardio check today.



'oh where were you having that?'

'I don't know! Surely that is what I should be told by you'

'Oh well, I shall have to look into it, we have two midwives off with personal problems at the moment and noone seems to know what is going on'.

'Well I realise it must be tricky, but I am always having to sort this stuff out myself and end up chasing you, surely these referrals should be made automatically after the decision to make a referral has been made'

'So why do you need a echocardiogram?'



And so the sorry story is retold again, my history, my radioactive bits, the risks...........all of it, all over again.

She assures me she will follow it up, I ask to see the person I should of seen at the beginning of my pregnancy at the next appointment I have on 17th August, the person I saw before struggled with English (not that thats a big deal) but wasn't sure on what he was doing and kept having to to leave the room to check with the person that I should of seen who was obviously busy with someone else.

It is very worrying I do hope the birth is going to be alright, having watched the 'Desptaches' program on telly 'Undercover mother' showing the understaffing and lack of funds in the maternity sector, 2 midwives between 18 females on a maternity ward or something and one woman being left to give birth on her own, while the midwife raced around all the other patients, she intermittently checked on the woman but failed to notice the baby was breech because she was so busy, the baby died. That was just one example.......bloody hell.

I know I am scaring myself, and these programs are always dramatised, I am sure the local hospital is fine and all these hiccups will now be resolved, infact the appt came through today after my phone call and a few phone calls while we were on holiday, I have a cardio booked for the 13th August, and my midwife is seeing me every 3 weeks now, sometimes less.

I have developed terrible chest pains since we came back from Wales, got it checked out and apparently it's muscular, they checked all my vitals and things are fine I just have to sit it out, just a normal pregnancy pain thing I think, having never really had indigestion I thought it might be that but apparently not, bloody painful though whatever it is, maybe the babies on a nerve or something. Anyway, feel like such a princess worry pants, wish I wasn't.

Midwife appointment tomorrow to see if the infections gone and to ease my paranoid mind.

Yes sir thats my baby

I took a good friend out for lunch yesterday, or rather attempted to. She ended up paying as the place we went to didn't take cards and my uslessness had prevented me from being organised and getting cash.

She had just split up with her live in boyfriend and we were catching up on everything. She is fine, woman power, she has in abundance.
On the way home she asked me in the car.
'So will your baby have spanish blood?'
I paused for a moment to think the romantiscism of having an anonymous spanish donor wasn't enough, for the first time, I felt a little uncomfortable.
'Yes, I suppose it will, it is sad to think that it won't have my genes, but yes it will, and I will celebrate the childs origins as it gets older, will teach it Spanish from age 4, play spanish music, spanish childrens songs....'
Suddenly I felt sad, almost as if my baby belonged to someone else, I had never felt that before it was confusing, I was almost cross with my friend for bringing this up. I felt that this was all private between us as a family.

My friend had been discussing this with a mutual friend of ours, she started saying how children should be told the truth from the start, and that if my baby wanted to find the spanish genetic connection she would regardless of anonymity. This also made me feel sad, the baby wasn't even born yet and already I was worrying about her/him going off and bumping into their genetic link building a relationship and not thinking of me as their mother anymore. How crazy.

The conversation got on to the lack of open mindedness of egg donation in the UK, the concerns over treatment and the way it is done here and culminated in me saying how I think everyday how lucky I am to have this baby growing inside of me. The other way I look at it is that part of me has almost become part of the baby, that we are intertwined, no matter what people say I know they will be mine, our baby that we are having together, but now I feel frustrated that i didn't say to my friend that my blood has sustained this baby throughout the pregnancy and that they have part of me.

I have decided to let the friends discuss it amongst themselves if they want to I know what I believe and I know how I want to bring my child up and what exposure they will have to their origins, the 'hen' book will be brought and the conversation will happen. It did hurt though, my friend bringing it all up, I guess I will never be able to forget the true roots of how all this occured, but it will be celebrated no matter how sad it feels sometimes.

La Femme Possible

Heart has four chambers and all looks peachy,


and if it is a she, she is a little minx who doesn't conform for nobody. (Bit like her mother). Firstly she lay on her arm so we couldn't see that, I had to jiggle around the waiting room like some kind of tribal ritual, shimmying as if my life depended on it, G sat down and grabbed at 'Heat' even though he wasn't reading it ( I am sure it was upside down), pretending he had no idea who this weird woman was that was following him around shaking her stuff in a strange sort of mating strutt.

We go back for a second shot, ok, arm has surfaced and so has hand, fingers and everything, spine looking good, brain looking good everything doing as it should. (Apart from the placenta which is looking slightly low but another scan in a month, the big 28 week scan where they will be able to tell whether I am going to be ok birth wise and heart wise and all that palava)

So now the finale, little princess or little prince........

Legs, teasingly not quite far enough apart to allow the scanning lady full confidence in making a sex announcement, although

'I can't see anything so it is likely that, hmm I can't see anything'

I looked

I am sure I saw some girlie bits 'It does look very much like a........'

'Hmm yes I wouldn't like to say 100% but yes it does look that way'

So without saying very much at all our little baby could well be a little girly, which we are obviously very happy with, well we would be happy either way, we are so extreeeeeeemly lucky to be where we are staring at a shadowy figure on a black screen outlining the shape of our little one, slowly getting fatter, looking more and more like a baby, when the scanner first made contact with the freezing jelly the first we saw was the mouth opening up for a gigantic yawn.Well Hotel Uterus never boasted a vast array of entertainment, but so far, I guess it is cosy enough to keep you from walking out in disgust.

Thats my girl.