Off the Drugs.........

It's official, I am 32 today and off the hormones that have been maintaining my pregnancy thus far. Never thought I would get to this point, pondered today about being pregnant, the amount of years I thought about how much I wanted it and now I am here with a pregnancy, and I still can't believe it. Perhaps the best birthday present ever and not being maintained by horse urine anymore, me and bean are hopefully making our own hormones via the placenta, really is amazing isn't it. The will of nature to maintain a pregnancy despite the mother being a baron landscape regarding female hormones, a little bump start from a pack of pills and pessaries and a fully working pregnancy is in progress.

Unbelievable, really, unbelievable.

I am not going to get too comfy though, although it is hard when you have passed the 12 week mark, you allow yourself that extra bit of hope and pleasure. I told my friends, they were all very happy for us and one friend was very shocked as he knows full well all of my medical history. The nice thing is I feel so much that the baby is ours, despite the donor eggs, I truly feel the baby is part of me.


I was worried I wouldn't feel like that.


I had some spotting yesterday but that was after a late night out with friends so wonder whether that had something to do with it? (not sure about that but you never know, maybe bean was protesting).

Had little weird feelings in stomach area, not really pain but aches and strange things going on.

Can't wait until Friday and the scan and the meeting with the Obs.

Hopefully bean will hang on in there.

x

Foot in Mouth

Oh dear everything I say or do recently seems to involve me putting my foot in it or saying something stupid that appears to offend people or if it doesn't I think I have.

Am certainly not blaming it on the pregnancy I think it is just me and my lack of thought to what I am actually saying, sometimes I feel like I am making a joke when actually it is very poor timing! So have decided to selfishly concentrate on me as am having a hard time concentrating on much these days, work is busier than ever and I need to look after G myself and the bean.

Just the other day I was giving a friend a lift to work and started banging on in a complete rant about G not giving up smoking but doing exercises in a vein attempt to get fit, forgetting entirly that said friend, also smokes and does copious amounts of exercises to try and get fit.

Definately think I should leave opinions and advice locked away as am plainly no good at it!

So am keeping them firmly reigned in my blog and just hope I don't manage to piss anyone off in the process.

Said friend obviously wasn't bothered, perhaps made her think abit though.

ANYWAY I WAS 12 weeks yesterday 2nd trimester is on it's way and have a scan on 4th May and obs appointment and will book my nuchal test, hope to see a healthy bean, hope I have been supporting it enough with my appalling diet at the moment ( although am loving salads dripping in oil and vinegar....ooh yes).

Was hormone replacement free all yesterday and today, just having one dose tonight (1 x 2mg Progynova 1x Cyclogest Pessary) another Sunday then on my birthday I finish completely!!

Fingers crossed the placenta behaves itself.

I have also met someone at work who is in their second trimester, it has been so nice to chat to her, unfortunately she is having to have an amnio sentisis as it appears her baby may have downs after having some suspicious blood tests, she decided not to have the nuchal test which is a scan and can apparently tell if the child is potentially a down sysndrome baby (www.mums.me.uk/nuchal.htm), it is usually done around 13 weeks or something, she advised me to do it, which I I am booked in for anyway, it could happen to anyone. I made a conscious decision not to advise or give an opinion and just listened to how she felt, it must be such a worrying time for her my heart goes out to her and I just keep everything crossed for next week I know it is 1% chance but still it's a risk of miscarriage isn't it. She is 27 and thought that she was infertile and so was over the moon about the pregnancy she still is but obviously is in limbo emotionally at the moment.


X

Muddle Brain

Work, I am worrying about, infact everything I am worrying about.

Have cut right down on hormones and stop completely tomorrow, have had little twinges in the tummy area, and felt a flutter today while I was at work but know it is too early to feel any movement. Oh here we go, I am worrying about the pregnancy too. Phew, thought I was going mad for a minute!

Maybe the hormone change is mucking me about and making me a paranoid worrying wreck.

Have begun to tell more friends about the bean today, and got my first tummy pat from my employer saying that she could see a bump coming.

Is the only fat on me at the moment, completely lost my appetite and so have lost weight, am hoping the bean is getting enough nutrients. Wish I could just be IV fed at the moment and be lying on a desert Island somewhere while it happened.

I think perhaps some retail therapy is in order soon, either that or a frontal labotomy.

X

Only 3 days to go

Well nearly two now........until 12 week mark.

Still along way to trapse, and the path has been rocky in places, couple of pot holes, but in the distance I can see a vision of hope lighting the way like a silent runway, flickering by candle light.

Read DG's blog www.thedrownedgirl.wordpress.com where there are comments made (Waiting for Daisy) about egg donation and the ethics behind the altruistic donor and the 'commercial' option. I can see both sides of the story, positive and negative, my personal choice was to go to Spain, having read article upon article, forum upon forum, eventually it comes down to how, what is available as options, makes you feel.

I personally felt that altruistic donation is the deepest gift available for a woman to do for another woman, for me, a couple of friends had offered (the first of which changed her mind) but something in my being didn't feel right and my instinct had to lead the way, which took me to an article by the observer. www.observer.guardian.co.uk/woman/story/0,,1684149,00.html Makes me feel shallow slightly as the appeal for me was to be away, like on a spa holiday, out of this country, a country that I hadn't had much success in regarding the egg donation process, mainly because the altruistic policy here wasn't for me, I also felt that women who donated anonymously although there was a financial incentive had made a very brave decision and should be financially rewarded for the ordeal which would cover more than a few bus rides to the hospital and back.

This particular clinic came reccomended by a counsellor at Guys Hospital who knew the Nurse Ruth who ran the donation programs which set my mind at rest as to the way that the clinic would work following guidelines, ensuring the wellbeing of all parties involved.

It is a shame but understandable that the whole process is shrouded in such an ethical and moral sludge. Obviously I can say this as I didn't have any eggs, and I guess like the woman in the waiting for Daisy book, felt slightly selfish at wanting to have a child through donor eggs, asking my younger cousin (although 25 not 20) in a desperate attempt to have one tiny gene from my family, but once that option was taken away, whether I had the process done or not in England wasn't important to me, and on reflection I don't think I would of felt happy with the situation eventually should we have gone down that path.

What was important for me was the reputation of the clinic, the success rate, whether the donor was paid ( this in all honesty was important for me, I felt that the women deserved a reward, although I understand and take the commodity issue) I also felt that going abroad, in my mind, seperated me from the donor, selfish again, I suppose, but is what I felt comfortable with.

In all honesty (again) when we first ventured on the DE IVF path my first priority was getting a free go(sounds terrible doesn't it, having had cancer I was entitled to it by the local PCT) but I never felt completely happy with the conditions to my 'free go', as soon as we made the decision to go to Spain, it really felt right, and I could finally feel I was getting somewhere, we had to pay but the process suited us and the feeling for me was good. (although the egg share thing, I am not completely happy about, for a number of reasons, slightly commodity tinged)

It is complicated the more I look at the whole process, anaylise it, pick it to bits, I start to feel alsorts of concerns or guilt as to what is humanly right etc, but why do womens wombs carry other womens donated eggs? why are they not rejcted? (thinking here in my hippy spiritual mode), is it yet another way that nature in some bazaar way compensates for the growing number of infertile people,(yes I know, abit wacky and with no statistics to back up what I just said, and possibly far removed from nature regarding the procedure but it happens.........the process actually works)!(hope I don't regret saying that as could get into a spiralling thought of genetic engineering and alsorts)


The decision I made was right for us, the clinic who work very hard at making peoples lives better by helping them have a child benefitted from our money. The donor was rewarded for their wonderful gift, G and I had a 5 star holiday and came away with a bean in the oven. While we were away we had never been so happy, like we were free from all the stress and anxiety caused by the 3 years of getting nowhere (which I know is nothing compared to many peoples situations and efforts to get pregnant).


Nothing is for certain, and everyone has different feelings about what is right for them, and I think that is the priority, and I am so happy that people like DG and KF have made their decisions which is most definately right for them and to of helped the donation cause by supplying info on their blogs of useful resources to help those on the same road, I think that too is something that lacks in the DE world, decent help and information, even the hospitals here don't really know what to provide their patients regarding what they want to know. Unfortunately I am crap with websites and can't workout how to do the blogroll thing otherwise I would of put everyones on my site too.



Having said all that about Spain, if things go pear shaped we couldn't afford to do it there again, it would be a 'free go' and no doubt I would go for it, and eat all of my words, and if that didn't work we would of paid off the first Spanish loan and then gone for the £10,000 Barcelona 'as many goes as you want in a year' package and when you get to 13 weeks they have fulfilled their contract....... because my desire to be a mother is so strong...................... and that most definately is part of me.

blog move

I was going to delete this site but decided to change it's location instead.

Yes am mad and suffering from hormonal stuff 'well that's my excuse'!

I have become the scarlet Pimpernel of blogs.

X

Happiness

Anyway, I just wanted to say how lucky I feel today, I know how things can go pear shaped (Scared the pants off myself by doing my tarot cards the other night) (I know I should give up all that bollocks but I have been doing it too long to give it up completely!) I got the tower....Loads of people flinging themselves out of a burning building. So I did them another 5 times until I got a nice card and felt happy again. Tarots, schmarots.

So, yes, happy is what I am, I am feeling content that I am pregnant, that I can stroke my tummy and know that my little bean is floating in there doing somersaults (hopefully anyway).

I am cutting down the hormones slowly in the run up to my 12 week mark on April 26th ( 4 days before my birthday). I am scared but excited too, 12 weeks can be a dodgy time placenta wise, but I am keeping everything crossed that I will be able to sustain it myself, only then will it begin to feel natural, like it is part of me, so this part, I am excited about, as it is probably glaringly obvious, I really do want to be a mother more than anything in the universe and I am sure there are a zilion women who feel the same, but for me to of got this far is sooo amazing, I have wanted this for so long, I really am so happy for me and G, and so proud of my uterus, it has done a stirling job so far I just hope it will be happy with stretching a little more.....

I have a scan and obs appointment at my local hospital (I know! wonders will never cease), on May 4th, so will see what the Obs have to say, I emailed GOSH to send me details of their concerns to take with me, just so that they don't think I am expecting silver service for no reason.

Work are giving me time for my appointments ( by law they should anyway) but I feel sorry for the Headmistress, she has such a lot of hassle recently and me having a bean in the bakery is probably another twig for the donkeys back. ( I am sure she would love that analogy). I could tell by her face, she is not feeling the joy over it all.

I wish all those ladies who are embarking on egg donation all the happiness and smugness I feel at the moment, I know for some of you your journey was after you had your own children and so is a brave and difficult choice for you to make, but I am sure you will feel as happy and serene as I do and that your bean is as much part of you as the uterus in your belly.

Back to work......

I should be happy, I am 10 weeks today! and yes I am happy, although hideously hormonal and almost laughed in mid tantrum at my own ridiculousness. Poor G he really puts up with a lot, I am such a bitch. I think I was having a go at him for stuttering and not getting his words out quick enough. Poor poor G.

Had to go to dentist today too to have broken tooth fixed, had to face receptionist that I had a hormonal tantrum at a few weeks previous. Am soon going to be ashamed to show my face at many places I fear!


My pile of stuff is in the corner of the room, ready to be taken into work tomorrow. I wish it would go away, work I mean, I really have too much relaxation to be doing these days. Work was something I used to do, I don't want to do it any more.

Concentration was a power I used to posses, pre hormones. These days I am lucky to finish a sentence.....

Yes I am sure work will get better after a couple of weeks, when I finally come off of the mountain of hormones I am on. The placenta kicks in at 12 weeks running the show on it's own apparently. Scary thought though, coming off of the pills that have maintained my pregnancy thus far.

Was actually sick the other afternoon too, although I think that was down to the dodgy pub lunch I had although nausea has seemed to worsen lately and I am never more than a grasp away from some bloody ginger nuts.

Am getting increasingly uncomfortable in jeans too, although I just look like I have had a few beers at the moment, in some ways I can't wait to be the size of a house because at least I can rest easy that I have made it to the size of a house, with my radioactive uterus expanding as it should, this is the next hurdle, the expanding issue. 12 weeks will be celebrated and friends will be told but I won't tell the children at school until 14 - 16 weeks. Incase the little bean is expelled from my stubborn unstretchy womb.

I don't think people understand this stretchy issue, I think 12 weeks for most is the point you can relax abit, but for me in some ways the fun will just be beginning!

I stupidly bought some maternity cargo trousers for work, for comfort value, how mad, I feel like I am tempting some sort of jinx or something. Won't wear them until I really have to though, just nice to know they are there to put on while slobbing about the house or something.

Oh how I yearn to be slobbing about, infact I shall do just that, and take myself to bed and will wake refreshed and ready to be a working girl again..........

hmmmmmmmm.

Can you take anymore?

I don't know whether I can take anymore myself!

I feel I have had more white knuckle experiences in the last two days than a whole year of Alton Tower rides.

Finally got to the UCLH today, what a wonderful hospital, brand new, I felt like I was abroad!

OK, cut to the chase.

Doctor, wonderful woman, discusses my past medical history takes time to give some TLC and tactfully places the monitor so that only she can see it after hearing my miscarriage story.

I lie in the familiar stirrups heart pounding, I look at the ceiling, she asks me about previous scans and I start to tell her about the one at 6 weeks and seeing the heartbeat.

'Well' she says 'You still have a baby with a heartbeat' and she turns the screen round, it still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it (hormones probably!)

I started to cry, quite alot, more than I thought I would if it was bad news.

'Look it's sucking it's thumb, ' sure enough the baby was sucking a limb bud or whatever they call it.

The doctor prints out a picture, I am beside myself in disbelief,

'Oooh look you can see the face,' the baby turns round and faces me.

I just can't believe it.

'Lets print another one out for mummy shall we' the doctor says ( thinking they were talking about my mother waiting in the waiting room but realising it was ME she was referring to!).

I am beside myself but eventually calm down.

I cannot believe the extremes we have been through in the last couple of days. Now I amm looking at a little bean bobbing around, resembling a baby, flinging it's arms and legs about, doing back flips. I still can't believe it. It was like it was saying 'Woopee mummy look what I can do'!

The doctor checked my ovaries too and said they are small but she found one egg in there.

fetus is measured at 9 weeks and 1 day ! (not sure how that happens as not 9 weeks until Thursday, maybe it is the hormones turning it into 'Super Fetus' or something.

Doctor summises it could have been a bit of the vaginal plug coming away. (How lovely) she explains that this can sometimes be gritty and cartillage like, or it was the other embryo that didn't form. We will never know.

Oh the relief, oh the joy, Oh the disbelief! It is like it was someones elses scan I was looking at.


Am exhausted from all the ups and downs, I just hope it isn't always going to be so worrying, but unfortunately my bets are on me losing faith at least another twenty million times.

I did my tarot cards yesterday and they said 'I must learn not to be fearful and should trust what the universe has in store for me'

So I bought the universe a bunch of flowers today!


Good on yer universe.....

Here's one of those ticker things that I never thought I would be using.......

SOMEBODY PLEEEEASE!

I have never experienced such worry and frustration. I am left aghast at the lack of help I am getting from my local surgery and hospital it is like I am on some kind of blacklist. 'Don't want her sort round 'ere swanning in with her IVF sob stories and tales of Spain, expecting us to drop everything, who does she think she is eh?'

I phone the Midwife Liason person at the Local hospital who assures me she will help and will call me back. I feel relieved and await her call.

'listen, I am so sorry but there are no appointments for a scan whatsoever'

What about the appointment the lady doctor made me on Thursday for Thursday this week?

'there is no record of that, I am afraid'

I feel my voice go shakey, thinking now that I almost certainly had a miscarriage last week and have still got a host of debris that could become an infection or something but I don't want to stop taking the hormones incase there is a slim chance a fetus is still there.

She can't help me.

I feel so hopeless, I phone my doctor leaving messages with the receptionist. They say they are putting it on his screen but he is so busy.

I can't stop crying, it is madness noone is helping me.

I email GOSH desperate, saying I will come up to London, anything, I just need help.

I phone the WD's private clinic, they give me an appointment for an early scan on Thursday, I say nothing about the miscarriage at this stage just feeling relieved to get an appointment. Also not as expensive as I thought either £50.

At least I have that.

The Doctor calls, tells me he will phone the gynae ward he says he will phone me back, he is trying to sort something for tomorrow.

GOSH phones me, Susan, she says she has tried to ring but the phone was engaged, the angels have flown in.

'H I have spoken to the UCLH they can see you today or tomorrow, obviously the best is for you to be seen locally, I can't believe you are having this trouble, I shall phone your GP, if he can't sort something out then go to the UCLH tomorrow. So do you think it was a miscarriage?'

I explain the detail, the cartillage the clot.

'Well we thought it might happen didn't we, it doesn't make it any easier though does it' she says with a sympathetic tone, I burst into tears losing control of my composure. Turning into a squeaking mess again.

She has helped me though and at least I can start a fresh when this is all over. Which is what I need to come to terms with.

I put down the phone and let myself lose it for a moment.

Then Susan phones me back.

'Hi I've spoken to your GP and he has suggested we go down my route as it may well be quicker, he has been trying really hard to get you seen but he's not sure how quickly he can do it'

I know, it's not his fault, but it seems so mad!

So I have phoned UCLH who know me instantly when I call, asking me what time suits me, taking in to consideration where I am travelling from she gives me an appointment at midday, her voice is chirpy and helpful and I feel like I have finally got home. my mother is coming with me, I almost certainly know what the result of the scan will be, so I think I will need her there, knowing before you go doesn't make it any less difficult and there is always a niggling refusal to give up the hope that is shining in a corner of the back of my mind like a little candle, until I see the screen that extinguishes it.

Susan said that my Gp will be working on the Gynae ward for the aftercare. I think they all know like I do, that, that will be the next step no matter how much shining is going on.

I just have to say every cancer survivor is different and I am sure there are plenty of success stories too for those of you embarking on the egg donation IVF route!

My uterus is showing the damage it sustained back in 1988 rebelling against me after teasing me for a couple of months, so while I have a couple of plan B's it may well be that I may have to come to terms with a few of these early losses if we are going to try again, we are not going to give up yet. So maybe the zimmer frame and incontinence pants may come first after all.....